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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 5 of 5. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Pandabear on February 2, 2004, at 19:10:23
Today in therapy, I finally came to the realization that I am at fault for a lot of the friendships that I have lost over the years. (and i have lost quite a few). My therapist asked me if i had heard about Vampire relationships. She said that a vampire relationship is a term sometimes used for a person who 'sucks a friendship dry". That is me all the way. Aparently there is a book published dealing with this and she showed it to me but i was horrified. I asked her to please not make me read it because I would have nightmares, and she said that she woudnt make me. But, I am the type of person that Latches onto someone and expects too much from them in the beginning and it tends to wear them out to the point that they are too exhausted to be my friend. The one person that made me start therapy was someone that I was totally obsessed with and he became my entire world. I was so attached to him that he finally just let me go completely and I fell really hard. I hate the person that I am, I feel so ashamed of myself and I am trying to expand my social circle of friends but it is really hard. I have lost so many friends because of the person that I am. I feel like a reject. I hate myself for it and I want to be someone that people will like. I even thought my therapist was feeling like I was obsessed with her bc she told me that I have to realize that there is more than just therapy and her in the world. I do depend on therapy but im not obsessed with her! When I feel this anxious about everything all I want is to go away and sleep or cry or something...but Im trying to stay positive. But, Im so disappointed in myself. I started out needing to get help to overcome how rude people had been to me and NOW im finding out that it was my fault to begin with. Its almost like im getting slapped in my face..and my therapist is saying to me ...see it is your fault and now you can fix it..*(but it isnt entirely my fault) IM so upset with myself. Someone please post something to make me feel better. Im so sad. ( I would say im depressed but my therapist says that there is a difference between being sad and depressed) which there is..but I really feel like im becoming depressed. Wouldnt you feel depressed if you thought you were right about something and then you found out that you were really wrong and that it is your fault? Please someone..give me some words of wisdom...it would be GREATLY APPRECIATED. Thanks. :(
Posted by gardenergirl on February 2, 2004, at 20:57:25
In reply to today in therapy..ashamed of myself..., posted by Pandabear on February 2, 2004, at 19:10:23
Pandabear,
It sounds like you had a really difficult session. I'm sorry you are hurting so much right now. Hopefully, the pain will lessen a bit tomorrow, and you will be able to "try on" what your T said about relationships to see if it fits you. If you think it does, just remember, you are doing it for a reason, and you likely developed this behavior honestly. If it doesn't fit, you can process your concerns with your T in your next visit.I'm sorry it hurts so much right now. Therapy is so difficult. Anyone who goes through it and is willing to put their true self on the line and desires to learn more about themselves is okay in my book.
Please take extra care of yourself right now. You are hurting, and that can drain the energy out of you. Extra nurturing will refill your well, so that you can keep moving forward in whatever direction is best for you.
(((Pandabear)))
Take care,
gg
Posted by Dinah on February 2, 2004, at 22:36:57
In reply to today in therapy..ashamed of myself..., posted by Pandabear on February 2, 2004, at 19:10:23
Oh, please don't feel ashamed. :( It leads to so many problems down the road.
I fear that I, too, am a Vampire. I still squirm in shame when I remember my bestest friend having to gently and kindly tell me that she needed some room. That was back in sixth grade, and she did it with the exquisite empathy and kindness that I found so appealing in her. But my shame was soooo intense.
I did it again with my next friend, at least in part because those years were so difficult for me, and people weren't exactly standing in line to befriend me so I clung to the one I had. She never said a single word to me. But somewhere near the end of the vampire period in question, I realized myself what I was doing and set her free.
After that I was so ashamed of what I had done that I overcompensated and failed to form close friendships at all for fear of harming those I cared about. Believe me, that is a poor answer to the problem, and all caused by shame.
So as a battle scarred elder, can I ask you to try to see past the shame with your therapist's help. There is no need for shame, and it will just end up hurting you. If there are things that you can change to enhance your relationships with others, just see them as that. Not as shameful aspects of yourself, but just as relationship habits that can be changed to help make your life better.
It sounds as if your therapist is really giving you some challenges. That shows a lot of confidence in you on her part.
Posted by Sabina on February 3, 2004, at 14:09:22
In reply to today in therapy..ashamed of myself..., posted by Pandabear on February 2, 2004, at 19:10:23
even though it was for a different problem in the beginning, it was a still proactive mindset that brought you into therapy and i admire the strength it's taken for you to face this unflattering aspect of yourself. i also consider it a blessing <gasp> for your future. it would have been so easy for you to go on with your life blaming others without exploring your role in the patterns of these failed friendships.
i'm sorry you're hurting now. you're *not* a reject.
you just want so much from a relationship that most people can't keep up. that doesn't make you a bad person or a bad friend, and it's *not* all your fault. your former friends should have communicated more effectively with you, learned to set limits, etc. instead of simply being rude and shutting you out. when trying to make friends in the future, maybe therapy can help with these strategies.
good luck.
Posted by Crooked Heart on February 4, 2004, at 3:04:15
In reply to today in therapy..ashamed of myself..., posted by Pandabear on February 2, 2004, at 19:10:23
You are much braver and much more honest than most people can manage to be. It sounds as though you are at a very painful turning point.
Please don't start blaming yourself. However you might have behaved with other people in the past there's a good reason underneath it, and not one that involves you being 'bad'. Maybe you might look back soon and think yes that wasn't good for me or for my friends, but for good reasons I just didn't know that my relationships could be different.
Some pain just feels meaningless, but it sounds as though what's happening with you now is pain that actually gets you somewhere much much better. Hang in there :)
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