![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 8 to 32 of 64. Go back in thread:
Posted by beckett2 on September 23, 2017, at 15:28:04
In reply to Re: politics, posted by alexandra_k on September 17, 2017, at 18:46:51
>They are getting rid of all the books here. They are being removed from libraries. Put into storage where you are not allowed to browse the shelves. The physical record of the books is gone. You need to do an electronic search for an electronic record. Which is so easily altered... Books are so easily vanished... Then you have computer problems and you can't read that book online anymore. Maybe you need to spend 30 minutes giving some program all your passwords and face and fingerprint recognition ID for the promise of being able to access your course information (HD AV online streamable only)... Or maybe something else will go wrong... Universities don't provide devices so much anymore it is all 'bring your own device' and then if things don't work you are expected to, what, give the university IT staff all your password permissions and everything so they can spend half a day messing about with your system to try and figure what might be wrong...
I worked at a Uni library in which they were doing just that. Some were pleased, but maybe a third of use were mournful. Through the years those paper cards had marginalia written by students and professors. Personally, I still prefer pencil and paper, and the digital age is difficult for me sometimes. Other times it's brilliant. I'm able to talk with you for example. I can research drugs and health and not depend on just one doctor's opinion. And the news! Sometimes it's a boon, and then just as harmful. You probably have heard about the Russian interference the US, on Facebook and other places. Then it's a crazy, 'fact' distorting echo chamber.
>My old supervisor used to say 'you could spend your life arguing with idiots about rubbish if it makes you happy'. It doesn't make me happy. It doesn't.
Maybe the word 'happy' obscures the truth in that statement. As in 'you can make yourself crazy arguing with idiots'.Medicine sounds like a place to do some good, not in as a do-gooder, but as a sometimes satisfying connection and also a position of enough power to effect some minor good within people's lives.
We're in this togther, which is incredibly scary! Silly as the following illustration may be, we saw It, that Stephen King movie. He's incredibly popular, and his best stories are about the tenderness and immediacy of friendship and it's joys that goes hand in hand with alien horror, over which, for awhile at least, these friends exert a modicum of control.
Do you think of yourself as having dealt with trauma? Sometimes that gives an unwelcome sense of the dark side of us.
Hang in there. You're a good person.
Posted by beckett2 on September 23, 2017, at 15:36:47
In reply to Re: politics, posted by alexandra_k on September 17, 2017, at 19:03:26
>There is no respite from the awful bullies who are too stupid to see the damage they do.
Yes, it is horrid. Here the president and cabinet want to carve into our parks department. For now they're blocked. The despair I feel over the lack of concern, moreover, the greedy designs towards our environment. I don't want to pour fuel onto your anger and despair. I want you to know you're not alone in your anger and sense of powerlessness in the face of those who do harm in their pursuit of power and capital.
We were told, us citizens here, that democracy is not to be taken for granted and must always be tended. The situation really taxes my ability to remain positive and even keeled. Chin up though girl! We're all we have.
Posted by alexandra_k on September 28, 2017, at 15:06:45
In reply to Re: politics » alexandra_k, posted by beckett2 on September 23, 2017, at 15:28:04
> I worked at a Uni library in which they were doing just that. Some were pleased, but maybe a third of use were mournful.
I didn't realise before just how much of a rare skill it was to be able to immerse yourself in a book. Those who are unable to do it... Most of them seem much happier when nobody in their vicinity does it. They set the social norms, now, instead of being asked to leave the space since they are unwilling / unable to use it appropriately.
> the digital age is difficult for me sometimes. Other times it's brilliant. I'm able to talk with you for example. I can research drugs and health and not depend on just one doctor's opinion. And the news! Sometimes it's a boon, and then just as harmful. You probably have heard about the Russian interference the US, on Facebook and other places. Then it's a crazy, 'fact' distorting echo chamber.
It is a mixed thing. Neither good nor bad intrinsically. Like splitting the atom. Enables nuclear power which (when properly maintained) is wonderful. Also enables nuclear weapons which (when improperly maintained) is a lot less wonderful for some people or other...
I am lamenting the researching of drugs or health rather than depending on just one doctors opinion. I think that once upon a time places like Babble really did have diversity of opinion. I think that once upon a time there was a lot of information on the internet. Now... I see the internet mostly being used to undermine quality information (by every 10 year old posting and reposting and rereposting misinformation) and also being used to undermine accessibility of information (I can't access medical textbooks in person walking into university libraries anymore because the whole thing is moving online and only certain logins are allowed to access this and that).
You used to hear stories about parents who were worried about their kid with cancer... They would walk across the road from the hospital to the medical library and start reading... Now they would likely get trespassed and there wouldn't be any books on the shelves for them to look at, anyway.
I worry a lot about online things being easily altered, too. Not by me, obviously, but by the software engineers etc. I mean... Bob has the power to edit our posts here - right? Well, just think about who has the power to edit things on health records... What vaccine batch a person was given. What allele was in what position of their genone. Power to remove particular x-rays from a series or portions of a pathology sample...
I can see that different logins would give you different access. Some people have access to the version that links genetic predispositions to the criminal database. Other people have access to the version that links vaccine batch actually given to... I don't know... Certain kinds of cancer however many years down the track, or whatever. Only people who don't have access to the relevant information is...
Those who have the power to see incoming doom in time to do something about it. Those who are the subject of the information.
I'm sure offshore software companies have all kinds of powers that involve their engaging in quality assurance for their software... That a lot can be done legally in the name of that. Also in future product development. Of software that is better at... I don't know... Selling alcohol to people with no predisposition. Or whatever...
I don't know why anyone in their right mind would be happy about voluntarily handing this kind of information over to foreign interest / a largely unknown company...
All the university research uploaded to the clouds...
Each software update (or is it system upload?) obsoleting various functionaities / contributing towards the not quite just noticably shitter)...
> Maybe the word 'happy' obscures the truth in that statement. As in 'you can make yourself crazy arguing with idiots'.I think the idea is that some people really are happy doing that with their time. They truly seem to be. I keep thinking that nobody in their right mind would be happy wasting their time arguing things round and round... But people really very genuinely do seem to be. There is little to be done (if you don't actually enjoy it - if you don't actually find that to be a meaningful life) but to get away from them. Because it would make me crazy, yes.
> Medicine sounds like a place to do some good, not in as a do-gooder, but as a sometimes satisfying connection and also a position of enough power to effect some minor good within people's lives.
Yes. I think so. I hope so. Knowledge is power... Things like... Learning how to look after teeth properly and then having the power to do just that. Nutrition etc. Oftentimes we have a pretty good idea of what is good for people it is just that there is so very much money to be made in spreading misinformaiton and hype and so on.
> We're in this togther, which is incredibly scary! Silly as the following illustration may be, we saw It, that Stephen King movie. He's incredibly popular, and his best stories are about the tenderness and immediacy of friendship and it's joys that goes hand in hand with alien horror, over which, for awhile at least, these friends exert a modicum of control.
Hmm. I haven't read that since I was a teenager. I'll put it on my summer reading list. I remember enjoying that one... I didn't think of it as being to do with friendship...
> Do you think of yourself as having dealt with trauma? Sometimes that gives an unwelcome sense of the dark side of us.
Yes. I feel... Traumatised most of every day by how this country treats it's people on welfare over here. I'm on disability supposedly through no fault of my own but they really treat people on welfare like sh*t. People generally. I think we treat people a lot worse in the south island... I think so... I think livnig here is giving me a sense of the dark side of us, yes. There is this awful school across the fence and I listen to abused kids scream their rage and pain everyday. I see why people think it would be kinder to blow up the school already. I need to move away from here or I'll lose my humanity, yes.
> Hang in there. You're a good person.
Thanks. You are too. Thanks for talking with me.
Posted by alexandra_k on October 19, 2017, at 18:52:52
In reply to Re: politics, posted by alexandra_k on September 28, 2017, at 15:06:45
So, this place I'm living. I'm finding it really rather Nasty, here. And (me being me) reflecting a lot on that... And on what is wrong with me that I'm finding it to be so very Nasty whereas other people in the community, here, seem to be revelling in it, somewhat...
Articulating...
I applied to Knox - because I thought it seemed to have a strong academic focus. I was informed that I might be happier here, since I expressed preference for my own bathroom...
So I took a look on their reccommendation.
I was told by the head of the hall that the filth would be cleaned out properly prior to the start of the academic year.
I asked the head of the hall specifically about the school just over the fence. About whether there was much noise from that, because that would bother me, quite a lot. I was told that it was nothing, really, just the sound of happy kids playing.
I was told by the head of the hall that I could move in on x date. That there would be someone here, to let me in.
_________________________________________
I arrive on x date... Making multiple trips, actually. Took around 6 trips on the bus to cart all my stuff. There was nobody here to let me in. I tried to contact the head of the hall - but he chose to ignore me since he was on some day trip and was out of town, already.
So my stuff was out in the open over night. I was lucky to arrange with my previous landlord to stay an extra night. I needed to pay an extra night accommodation.
I was offered no apology by the head of the hall, here.
The kitchen etc was really very filthy, indeed. I cleaned it all out because I don't like to live in filth, generally, and I really don't like to live in other people's filth. I swept up parts of outside, around my motorcycle. I swept cobwebs off the sides of buildings etc.
Then the kids start moving in, here... And it's still filthy. Filth on indoor walls and laundry rooms that haven't been cleaned out in several years. Socks and underwear strewn about the place. Balls of dust. The bikeshed that looked to be filled with this thick furry mold - carcinogenic mould? I half-heartedly tried to sweep it and my respiratory system did not approve... I think it needed to be dampened down with water, or something, and face masks applied to get to cleaning it...
And none of this was done, at all.
The kids over the fence... It isn't the sound of happy kids playing at morning tea and afternoon tea time. It's the sound of abused kids screaming their rage and their pain from about 8:30am through to the sound of drum practice after school and then the sound of balls and skateboards slamming through into the late evening. There is construction work, too, because you wouldn't plan for construction work to be done outside term time, clearly, you would be sure to schedule it at it's most disruptive. Starting around 7 or 7:30 am. Of course.
And then it turns out that it's not just me being supersensitive because Work Income here looked sheepish about how they know quite a lot of those kids are really very unhappy. And the head of the hall, here, actually looked rather sheepish when I said I wasn't coping so well with their screaming 'Yeah, I know, but there isn't anything we can do about that'.
But of course he could have not lied to me when I asked specifically about it prior to moving in.
How am I supposed to feel about this?
I feel... Like this is a Nasty sh*t hole of a place, honestly. I feel... Psychopathic towards these people. These people who showed no basic consideration or honesty towards me, at all.
They get students here doing chores about the place as punishment. One of the Maaori boys was sentanced to cleaning out the black mould out of the bike shed.
I mean, how am I supposed to feel about all this - honestly?
I think... They don't care... Because there is a new lot of trash people for next year... And for the year after and for the year after that... There is no point looking after what we've got properly when there is so much shiny new trash to treat like trash because we just love to treat people like trash and revel in the trash.
I just don't get it.
I really need to move away from here.
I just need to be *allowed* to look after myself. Apparently they are changing the hippocratic oath, or something... It's a real culture of bullies, down here, everyone must live like the Nastiest. It's just awful.
People choose to live like this. The head of the hall chooses not to do any cleaning himself. The head of the hall chooses not to check whether the cleaners have done the tasks they've been allocated. The head of the hall chooses not to view security footage and hold people accountable for vomiting in the hallways and breaking the glass. The head of the hall chooses not to take the school to task for letting the kids out of their classrooms to scream all day in the yard making a menace for the whole community. Which means the school doesn't have the communities support in convincing the government that something needs to be done about / for these kids. He likes it, clearly. Revels in it, or something.
It's f*ck*ng awful, here.
I don't understand how I could continue to live here... And not turn into a psychopath. I mean... They didn't treat me with any basic consideration or honesty at all.
Why do people talk when sh*t just falls out of their mouths, constantly.
I have nothing to say to them.... THey don't actually listen to a word I say, anyway 'that's just Alex complaining agian. She's being so unreasonable'.
Yeah. It must be me. There's something wrong with me.
F*ck*ng awful people.
I think the Swans have Seen me. Either they have... And I manage to get scholarships to live someplace where I am *allowed* to look after myself - away from the nasty bully people who have nothing to lose who have nothing better to do than to make things equally nasty for everyone around them... Or I apply for scholarships to live in a different country. I mean, one things for sure, I can't stay here, in living conditions like this.
I'm starting to think things like 'just f*ck*ng put them out of their misery, already'. I see how you build psychopath after psychopath after psychopath... It's f*ck*ng horrible, here.
Posted by alexandra_k on October 19, 2017, at 18:59:30
In reply to Re: politics, posted by alexandra_k on October 19, 2017, at 18:52:52
There was this thing on the news about these people living in a rural community... Of 1,500, or similar, which is, apparently, enough for a GP. Only... They can't find a GP who wants to live there. So the people need to drive for an hour to see a GP. Apparently this is unequitable, or something. It's not good enough. Rural communities need GP's etc etc etc.
And then I think...
How there are lots of people in Auckland... Who spend more than an hour commuting to work each day. Each and every f*ck*ng day.
Perspective?
Posted by alexandra_k on October 19, 2017, at 19:30:37
In reply to Re: politics, posted by alexandra_k on October 19, 2017, at 18:59:30
It really is just awful people taking what they can for as long as they can because they can...
I used to feel sorry for people at the bottom of the hierarchy.
But... That's because I've spent a fair bit of time associating with people who have basically *opted out of the hierarchy* (it's others who view them as being at the bottom).
I've spent more time with people at the bottom of the hierarchy who will take help when it is offered and then will go on to kick at the people on the bottom.
Then you start to think that they deserve to be at the bottom. Even if the people at the top are no better than...
Then you see how you are starting to despise all people... All people, equally...
It's an awful view of life.
I don't want to live in that world.
This place is... Profiteering from the margins. You get a city or whatever and then you get the rubbish birds crying for their piece of pie along the edges. There is a university, here. And that brings people wanting employment. But this place is the edge... The rubbish birds opportunistically...
I think they think this is the best they can hope for in life etc...
But what happened to things like conducting yourself with some personal integrity?
I guess it's supposed to be a test. That's how we justify it. I don't buy it. I guess it is a test. Not so much by design. I guess the people who are in charge of the sh*t... Are people who f*ck*d up.
That's been the thing with me, I guess. People start with the assumption that I f*ck*d up because of me doing what I'm doing at my age. Why would I want to play with the children? What is wrong with me?
I didn't realise I'd be forced to live in the rubbish with the rubbish. I didn't realise how communal undergraduate university has become. I didn't realise that you simply can't do things in this country like read a book under a shady tree... I didn't realise that you need to live in the private sphere as much as possible... Because... The public sphere is just awful. It's bullies taking what they can for as long as they can because they can... It's everyones kid whose been taught to cry 'help ME! help ME! help ME!' constantly...
It will be progress, here, if people are allowed to look after themselves. It will be, indeed.
I'll believe it when I see it.
Lets see if I manage to live by myself... Someplace where I won't be persecuted by bullies noise pollution etc next year.
It's a nasty nasty world.
Posted by alexandra_k on October 20, 2017, at 17:48:20
In reply to Re: politics, posted by alexandra_k on October 19, 2017, at 19:30:37
http://www.nzherald.co.nz/nz/news/article.cfm?c_id=1&objectid=11935367
Our new Prime Minister. A tad differnet from Trump.
I might just... Get approval to live someplace habitable (independently), after all. If I make a good enough case for needing it (in the interests of my own mental health / work capacity).
Posted by beckett2 on October 23, 2017, at 1:16:09
In reply to Re: politics, posted by alexandra_k on October 20, 2017, at 17:48:20
> http://www.nzherald.co.nz/nz/news/article.cfm?c_id=1&objectid=11935367
>
> Our new Prime Minister. A tad differnet from Trump.
>
> I might just... Get approval to live someplace habitable (independently), after all. If I make a good enough case for needing it (in the interests of my own mental health / work capacity).This sounds like potential for some good things. Is she a member of the Green Party? I find the news cheering and fuels my wish to live in NZ. I'm sorry you don't care for where you live--did I get that right?
Have you thought of volunteering for political change? I don't know why that came to mind, and you very well may be volunteering right now.
A survey in the US. 35% or so of millennials would be open to some form of military government. I'm trying to make sense of this factoid. Increasingly I don't recognize the country I live in. That's not a misanthropic view, but more that I'm getting older and feeling a bit let down.
Posted by alexandra_k on October 24, 2017, at 3:40:50
In reply to Re: politics » alexandra_k, posted by beckett2 on October 23, 2017, at 1:16:09
> Is she a member of the Green Party?
No, she is a member of the Labor Party. For the working class...
The Green Party is a little bit too extreme to get a significant majority.
Dairy exports are central for our economy - but methane emissions from cows produce significant greenhouse gas emissions and the nitrogen fertilisers from farming are killing rivers and lakes from algae blooms...
NZ really isn't the clean, green country it has marketed itself as being...
Labour does want to do something about this... But it's tricky because of the central role of farming in our economy. We've been... Literally focused on trying to feed all the babies in China...
We need to develop clean and green... But that relies on quite a lot of high tech expertise. High tech expertise isn't something that we do particularly well at. I mean... If there were a way to harvest the methane for biofuels...
It's next to impossible to get something good up off the ground here, I find. I think it is a kind of greed... There is the slippery slope of 'just one more, just one more, just that little bit more' until the whole thing is ruined. Whether it be teaching a small group a valuable skill or... Anything at all, really. As soon as people see you've got something that looks to be on the up... It gets ruined, pretty quick. Or brought out. Brought out and undermined so we revert to the way things were before...
I think...
I think that political expertise is (yet another) area in which things are looking a little scarce...
Things are going to take a turn for the worse, here.
The economy will take a hit as we stop doing some of the dodgey deals we've been doing (contaminating milk powder for increased profits, shipping live sheep to the middle east)...
Then the people who have invested in rental property... Their investment will take a hit as we start to improve our tenancy laws so landlords are required to provide habitable houses. As more houses are built and people are helped into owning their own homes.
These things (things such as these) need to happen... But National doesn't want to be the one to do it / the one in power while it's done. It's their voters who will be taking the biggest hit because it's their voters who have profited the most from these sorts of things...
It has to be labor to do it. That's the game of politics, I guess. It simply has to be done on labours watch.
And Winston Peters as deputy. So... When the chicky babe runs the economy to the ground because of her bleeding heart trying to help the working poor... Well... The stern grandfatherly type can step in, if needed, and reassure conservative NZ that everything will be okay...
And it's time to see about closing our borders and... Looking after NZ(ers) First. As he's been saying for... Most of my life, actually.
Funny how he's grown on me, over the years.
I think I should stay away from politics, really. I... Could have pursued law. And / or political philosophy. I could have tried harder to get a policy advisor sort of a position in the capital (I half heartedly pursued it - but you really need to persist for around a year before something comes through and I got tired of it / heart wasn't really in it after around 3 months).
> A survey in the US. 35% or so of millennials would be open to some form of military government. I'm trying to make sense of this factoid. Increasingly I don't recognize the country I live in. That's not a misanthropic view, but more that I'm getting older and feeling a bit let down.
What does 'military government' mean? I don't really know...
Over here... I see quite a lot of disaffected youth. Kids who would really like to be doing something useful, but nobody will teach them how to do anything useful. It's hard because a lot of them... Their parents haven't taught them basic things like to be quiet and listen when someone is trying to teach you. It's also hard because a lot of them... The people employed to teach them haven't actually had anything worth listening to... So...
And then you see footage of something happening in China... And you see rows of people. I mean, so many freaking people. Being orderly. Being quiet. Not bouncing off each other. Walking in step.
And you get to thinking... I don't see how living amongst the screaming rabble constitutes freedom in any meaningful sense.
Not sure if that's related.
Posted by alexandra_k on October 24, 2017, at 4:46:22
In reply to Re: politics, posted by alexandra_k on October 24, 2017, at 3:40:50
I don't care for where I live... Because I really just want a quiet place by myself.
I have been forced to live with others out of financial necessity for much of my life, and it never works out well for me.
I always end up withdrawing from the people I live with because I don't feel I get enough personal space. This results in them feeling slighted and they often decide that it is fun to antagonise me in the spirit of 'any attention is better than no attention at all'. On some instances it escalates to outright bullying.
Living in more crowded places like residential halls tends to reduce the bullying aspect because there are enough people around for everybody to get their social needs met.
Living in more crowded places like residential halls is a sort of a torture for me, however, because walls are plywood and you can hear people in neighbouring rooms coughing, f*rt*ng, chatting to their grandma etc.
Where I am is on the quieter side of residential halls... But the difference is made up by the intermediate school just outside my window where 10 and 11 year olds yip and squawk and scream and yell for most of every day. Then skateboards slamming into the evening etc.
I have dreams... Of a house on a section big enough to be surrounded by shady trees as a noise / visibility buffer from neighbouring sections. With one of those metal picket fences (that disuades climbing). With an auto gate so neighbours don't get a good look at me (so they don't decide to target me as someone who must be their friend or suffer their escalating noise - because any attention would be better than no attention).
It's a shame we don't do medium density construction properly such that there is a reasonable degree of soundproofing between internal walls - but we just won't / don't in this country - so I suppose someone will have to come and mow the lawns.
With a kitchen... With properly weighted sharp knives. And with a fridge that I don't have to share with anybody else so my covered things stay covered and so nobody spits in my milk. So I can *enjoy* spending a 1/2 day cooking (on occasion). And with a freezer so I can make my own convenience meals. Sort of open plan... To a living area that is aesthetically pleasant. With a green leafy tree aspect to it. Someplace *pretty* where I can sprawl out all my stuff and... Get on with it.
It would be great to have a kent fire with the flume as central heating. I have never looked after my own fire, before... I think you can keep them burning on low for quite some time without tending them with coal... I would need to look into that... Since we don't do central heating here...
Leafy trees during the day and a fire at night...
I would actually feel like a person.
Trying to explain this to anybody else... I'm being 'unreasonable', 'super-sensitive', 'too fussy', and 'expecting too much'.
I don't feel like a person living here. I feel like the person is falling out of me. With every squeak and yip and squawk and slam slam slam I become colder with respect to the people who upset me, so. Of course rationally I understand that it is reasonable that they bounce their balls about on the ball court and so on...
That doesn't change the effect it has on me.
Posted by alexandra_k on October 24, 2017, at 5:00:44
In reply to Re: politics, posted by alexandra_k on October 24, 2017, at 4:46:22
And if I had something like that...
Then maybe I would find the idea of having some people over for a time to be something that I would enjoy.Maybe I would even start to feel lonely and would think about having someone else live with me.
I don't know. I've never had the opportunity to find out.
I keep thinking of Kant...
Consent.
He said something about how you can't say 'yes' if you don't have the power to say 'no'.
And that's it, exactly.
I'm not in a position to have a relationship with anyone because there is no equality. I'm not even a person. Feels to me.
Posted by alexandra_k on October 25, 2017, at 20:24:47
In reply to Re: politics, posted by alexandra_k on October 24, 2017, at 5:00:44
The will to live starts to receed.
Because the will starts to receed.
Because there isn't a person, there, at all.
There is no me because the world will not let you be.
The world rushes into you and through you like you are a ghost.
You don't exist as a separate entity, at all.
Other people will tell you what to see
FLASH!!! FLASH!!! FLASH!!! LOOK AT ME!!!
Other people will tell you what to hear
SQUARP!!! YELL!!! SCREAM!!! LISTEN TO ME!!!
Other people will tell you what to buy
Other people will tell you what to think
Other people will tell you what to believe
Other people will tell you what to do
And you must stay with them and love them and like them and try and be like them, just like them, for always, for ever and ever and ever and ever and ever, amen.And I...
Really don't want to live,
Like that.Why am I living with these awful people? Why do I always end up being forced to live with such awful people, here, in this awful f*ck*ng country?
Why me?
Why ME?
I don't f*ck*ng understand.
Posted by beckett2 on October 25, 2017, at 22:11:31
In reply to Re: politics, posted by alexandra_k on October 25, 2017, at 20:24:47
Alexandra, I'm sorry you're feeling so cr*ppy at the moment. Are you living in student housing?
And are you okay when you talk about not wanting to live... like that?
Posted by alexandra_k on October 28, 2017, at 19:57:48
In reply to Re: politics » alexandra_k, posted by beckett2 on October 25, 2017, at 22:11:31
> Alexandra, I'm sorry you're feeling so cr*ppy at the moment.
Thanks.
> Are you living in student housing?
Yes.
> And are you okay when you talk about not wanting to live... like that?Yes.
I think around 630 or 650 people committed suicide in this country last year. That is in a population of around 4 million.
I don't know how many tried to kill themself, but didn't succeed.
I don't know how many thought long and hard about trying, but lacked the energy / were too afraid of failing to try and kill themself...
But that's just the tip of the iceburg on how many people don't want to live... Like this.
Life is not very nice for quite a few people in this country. A great proportion of people in this country... We could talk about neurotransmitter levels and so on... But that would be a cop out so that we didn't need to think we seriously needed to address the social factors in this country that results in people preferring to be dead than to continue living on in their communities, the way that they are.
There was this thing in the paper yesterday about this guy appearing before a judge... The lawyer saying that basically the guy was committing a bunch of senseless crimes because he wanted to go to jail and get some treatment. This is something we see over and over and over and over again. People drink-driving, particularly. Really going on benders and rampages... People want judges to sentence them to treatment because that's the only way they can get treatment. People want to go to jail because they don't want to live in their communities and there is some kind of hope that they may be rehabilitated in jail.
Of course we have a bunch of people who keep on that people should be treated *in their communities*. And now I need to be careful here, because things (and people) do, of course, vary... But a lot of the time we can't get Doctors or Good Teachers etc in certain communities because they don't want to live in those communities, either. Sometimes... Sometimes you end up with a bunch of volunteers or allied health people whose livlihood depends on people in the communities begging them / relying on them for help. They can sometimes be part of the problem. A very big part of the problem. It's the people whose livlihood depends on people in communities begging for help all the time who have most to gain by keeping people in their communities begging for help...
People just really don't want to live there, like that.
But then you go... If so very many people don't want to live there, like that, then why don't they change the way they live so their lives are nicer?
And... I'm not sure what to say...
I feel like either: 1) There is a sorting process that has failed. So that different people are genuinely happiest living in different sorts of environments (e.g., high stimulus vs low stimulus). Or 2) There is more uniformity in what is good for people / what would make them happier and healthier it is just that...
?
Hurting people do lash out?
?
________________________________________
People have gotten to know me, down here. They know that I'm basically clean and tidy and quiet living and hard working and... All the things that you need to assess over time because people don't even attempt to represent themselves accurately / don't know who the f*ck they are, half the time.
With all these people owning all these houses that other people are expected to rent... It shouldn't be that I need to buy my own house in order to have suitable housing... If suitable housing that I can afford to rent doesn't come through for me, next year, then I'll face the fact that this country really doesn't value me, (or people in some sense 'like me') at all.
So, it will be time to look at getting the f*ck out.
I really do want to stay here. I just want a quiet place so I can focus on my work. I don't know how many times I've said it... And how many times I've needed to explain to people that children screaming *is not quiet* - at which point it turns out they were just basically... Lying to me about it being quiet. They were basically just nasty people who lied to me and didn't give a care at all about the misery that would result in me from my moving into a place that wasn't suitable for me to live in.
Something that gets me away from these awful people...
So I can refresh, recharge, rejuvinate...
So as to *genuinely helping them* for however many hours out of every day *that I'm working - for them*. Some home... That is *for me*.
Otherwise... It's just not feasible, at all. Not without psychopathy.
Like how they lied to me... 'Yes, of course, we are doing everything we can to help you...
...
Rot in your community'.
It really needs to be less awful, here.
Posted by alexandra_k on October 31, 2017, at 14:47:16
In reply to Re: politics, posted by alexandra_k on October 28, 2017, at 19:57:48
So, apparently 50% of specialists / doctors burn out, here.
Not sure how they compile those statistics. It is part of this whole 'look after yourself' health strategy thing we have got going on here. Part of the whole attempt to 'lead by example'. There's been a change to the hippocratic oath something along the lines of how a doctor swears to look after themself so they may provide the highest standard of care for their patients.
You really do have to tell people in NZ that they should look after themself. That's what the health system, here, has always told me. That there wasn't much of anything wrong with me, that I should go away, that I should look after myself. Even... That I looked after myself better than most of their health workers seemed to...
Indeed.
And, of course, it still comes back to: 'And will the people let me?' Will the people let me sleep when I need to sleep or will the people insist that banging away and yapping and squealing away outside my window is their being 'perfectly reasonable'? Because if they are right that it is perfectly reasonable for them to do those things... Then it is perfectly reasonable for me to not have to live in their community. It's really as simple as that.
Sigh.
I don't understand why we don't have zones. Oh, wait, we do, it's just that I can't afford to live in a quiet zone. And we simply refuse to look after the things we've got. In the whole spirit of 'why would be try and reduce burn-out in locally trained doctors when we can just recruit foreign ones who have been struck off their registers / who haven't completed their training and pay them peanuts and treat them like sh*t and they'll nod and smile and work here for however long they need for their ticket to Australia'?
Close the borders, Winston. New Zealander's First. Go on... It's the only way we'll start looking after the things we've got. Time to stop pissing off Australia for being the backdoor for the sh*t of the world...
It's really bad for me, living here. I just need to use the experience to articulate a case for me... For others like me (in some sense of like me)... Because the government people can understand me... So maybe it doesn't matter so much that I'm not so fussed on maths... Maybe it doesn't matter so much with this particular government...
Anyway...
I hope something will come through for me for next year.
It's just awfully stressful on my nervous system living here. And I see glimpses of the psychopath within that would be nurtured if I were to continue living in such an environment. Perhaps I start to see why so many clinicians had eyes that were glazed over. Why they didn't interact with / relate to patients as people, as persons, at all. You don't see humanity at it's best when you are continually assaulted by the nonsense squarps and bangs of unhappy people. You just don't. It's like... Living in an orphanage for the intellectually handicapped. Or one of those old school asylums before the birth of antipsychotics. Start feeling... Postal, about it all. Start to understand why people want to blow up schools.. Neighbourhoods.. Countries.. Just to get a little peace and quiet.
It's f*ck*ng horrible, here.
It's the sound of countless people 'This is how it feels to be me! This is how it feels to be me!'
Indeed. 7 years the first time before I started wishing I was dead, already. Back again for another 7 years and I really don't need y'all constantly squarping and banging at me that y'all would really rather be dead. I f*ck*ng get it.
Maybe if every single person in this country... Every single person in this world listened to you bang and squarp all day and felt just like you... The world would be a better place? You'd have got what you wanted?
I just don't get it.
Just have to get out.
F*ck*ng awful people and their f*ck*ng awful lives. Determined to spread their f*ck*ng awful.
Beam me up, already.
Posted by alexandra_k on October 31, 2017, at 15:05:06
In reply to Re: politics, posted by alexandra_k on October 31, 2017, at 14:47:16
And of course maybe it's just my stressed out nervous system talking. Maybe they wouldn't rather be dead, at all, maybe it's the joyous sounds being emmitted from joyous people and there is something specially autistic about me that I can't appreciate the sounds of happy kids (and happy adults) playing and expressing their joy, all day.
I think he was wrong to say (in the paper) that burnout in medicine is particularly... common? problematic? Because of the long hours and because of the life and death nature / serious impact on peoples lives nature of the decisions. or bad decisions / mistakes that are made as people become burned out).
I think that saying that is more likely to get non-doctors off-side as they go MY job has long hours too and MY job involves important decisions too! Wah! From nursing support staff to truck drivers and people working in mines who may actually have a point to... Just every f*ck*ng one who has been taught to cry 'me too! me too! me too!'.
Also... I think perhaps, that it is just not true.
I think it is more that there is a flip side to certain abilities. The ability to make fine grained discriminations... Training that ability... So you can (for example) distinguish between just noticable differences in the radiograph etc... Being sensitive to these subtleties... The flip side of that is noticing the accumulation of filth and noticing the squarps... Noticing and being bothered by those things.
And it's not just doctors, of course. There are countless people being driven quite mad by the noisy f*ck*ng bastards in their communities.
And then there are countless people who aren't bothered at all but will cry 'me too! me too! me too! I am just like you, me too!' and often it is these people who have the power to change the situation, but won't, because they lack the capacity to understand all they do is cry 'me too! me too! me too! I totally understand everything you say and mean and I agree 100%! me too! me too! me too!' from the meaning-blind... Zombies. hmm...
It is mostly males. I don't know why we are so damn sure we can't find some war to believe in...
Posted by alexandra_k on November 4, 2017, at 17:32:06
In reply to Re: politics, posted by alexandra_k on October 31, 2017, at 15:05:06
I guess the thing about keeping people kicked down / believing that the locus of responsibility is with them is that it induces depression. Whereas if they believe the locus of responsibility is external to them then it is more likely to induce psychopathy / sociopathy. Blaming the environment... Makes one... Want to leave. I guess. Of course there is the whole 'what makes you think that things will be better anyplace else'... But... Things were better someplace else... I've experienced that before...
I think it is looking like I find out by the 23rd of December. I'm worried sick about it... Have been too busy foucsing on exams to really think about it, properly... Last exam tomorrow morning...
Then there are heaps of seminars. I mean, like practically every day there is a seminar that seems interesting. Couple conferences (that I can't even afford registration for)...
I'm worried sick... Because this is it, really. If it doesn't work out... It's unthinkable, really.
I'm so f*ck*ng tired of being treated like trash being expected to be happy and grateful living in the trash...
Seeing how psychopathic people have more autonomy than me, over their own lives... Over making miserable the lives of other people...
This all better seem like a bad dream...
Posted by alexandra_k on November 4, 2017, at 17:34:57
In reply to Re: politics, posted by alexandra_k on November 4, 2017, at 17:32:06
There were swings... Which was nice, for me. To swing on the swings. I could go for a bit of a walk and get a bit of exercise and swing up high on the swings. Good for my vestibular system etc.
And so now they've been taken down. Someone from the council, I guess. Removed the chains / seats so that's that, really.
I suppose it's because they were little kid swings, really. And then I swung and people saw me swinging. And then older kids thought it was cool to hang out by the swings. 11 year olds or 13 year olds or 18 year olds or 22 year olds or 45 or 65 year old men, or whatever. I guess there was some element of not safe for little kids anymore?
Whatever... Whatever the reason...
I liked something
Other people ruined it
It's goneYep.
Posted by alexandra_k on November 4, 2017, at 17:59:37
In reply to Re: politics, posted by alexandra_k on November 4, 2017, at 17:34:57
It's largely the alcohol.
Around 1% fetal alcohol effects in the US... up to 4% here, they reckon. But then you need to factor in that the people are concentrated in certain parts.
It really is about the IHC being in charge...
And it's hard, you see, because there is something so very socially inappropriate about saying anything about it.
It is one thing when IHC are in a minority and when there are resources (of time, care, attention) that can go into looking after people who (in some respects) lack the ability to take proper care of themselves.
It is another thing when IHC becomes the social norm so that the way they look after themselves becomes a lifestyle option...
It is another thing when IHC is put in charge of all kinds of people to be in charge of how other people are allowed to look after themselves...
And you could spend all the time there is trying to explain to people in charge why you need this or that or why this and that isn't working and there just isn't a capacity to understand, at all. It's just a pointless waste of time.
And now I've probably offended someone and I deserve to be murdered in my sleep.
Because the social norms...
Yeah.
Posted by alexandra_k on November 4, 2017, at 18:08:00
In reply to Re: politics, posted by alexandra_k on November 4, 2017, at 17:59:37
And that's even the way the 'designer babies' thing is going.
The concern used to be that people would use genetics knowledge to... Try and breed Barbie girls or athletes or cognitive geniuses...Only...
People are using genetics knowledge to...
Give birth to infants with Down's Syndrome.I think there is something... Nice? About when a community is able to care for such a person...
But I think there is something... Deeply disturbing... About people who seem to pursue having such a person...
I mean... Really intentionally... Would rather prefer to have a kid with an intellectual disability (and possibly severe physical disability) than a kid who is well.
Maunchasen? Something like that...
Things like Glee...
Fine line between accepting and... Gloriyfying.
_________________________There's so much money to be made...
I keep seeing examples of how having a population who isn't able to understand a bunch of stuff... How controllable they are...
Aren't able to identify even less protect their own interests...
There is a strong element of 'you could spend your life arguing with idiots if it makes you happy' (as a warning of how you really could spend your life -if such a life would be something you find meaningful).
Tis not contrary to reason to prefer the scratching of my finger to the destruction of teh universe...
Don't want to get caught arguing such things round and round and round and round...
Don't want to get caught in conversations where everything is equally valid and right is wrong and black is white and up is down...
_______________________________There really does come a point where you just have to get away from the awful. If you have the capacity to find it awful. Plenty don't. I guess. Just need to turn and walk away.
Posted by alexandra_k on November 5, 2017, at 2:07:01
In reply to Re: politics, posted by alexandra_k on November 4, 2017, at 18:08:00
I'm just really tired. Why is Robbin's Pathology such a big book? And why do the lecturers only do little snippits of it and then little snippits of other things that aren't even in the book? And why don't they use proper sentences instead of all these abbreviations and bullet points that are really hard to follow? And why is there so very much information? And why do I always feel like I'm missing some very basic things that are somehow assumed - that I just don't know. And why are most other people in the class doing so very much better than me at it? And so on...
Sigh...
It's all the Med Lab Science people. I think maybe it's a different kind of brain. I really am doing my best...
But I just keep getting lost in the big book. I mean... The number of times I've just gotten lost in Chapter 2. I mean, totally lost. For days... Weeks... And then I get behind on other stuff. And I lose the big picture, somehow. I don't understand all they want is 4 keywords and 4 bullet points... I don't seem able to get the focus right.
I have to write essays and I really don't think I should have to speak any of it, just yet. Even multi-guess is not my friend (though I do think quite a few of their questions were... Non-sense...) And yet OTHER PEOPLE came out of the test with marks in the 90's so I'm really not sure what gives, and how it is that they are able to do that...
Posted by alexandra_k on November 6, 2017, at 19:03:28
In reply to Re: politics, posted by alexandra_k on November 5, 2017, at 2:07:01
The swings are back up. Which was nice. Maybe someone saw I crash down on them a bit, since I swing so high. Maybe they are a bit stronger now? Not sure.
I feel really vulnerable. And sad. I'm homeless. Just a random homeless walk-in. And I probably shouldn't ask questions in seminars or go to seminars on social policy since I really can't get my head past thinking that a heap of good people just like me (in some sense) are homeless and jobless and basically treated like sh*t here. And I feel sad / angry about how much money is wasted on frivalties and so on when I'm homeless. And sad. Anyway... I best just stay away, I think.
Apparently there were 6 students who died over the last year in probably suicide circumstances, here. They have cut some councellors and replacing them wih clinical psych... alcohol group work... it's always too little, too late.
Posted by alexandra_k on November 6, 2017, at 23:39:07
In reply to Re: politics, posted by alexandra_k on November 6, 2017, at 19:03:28
I guess what upset me was this idea that government departments (or health agencies or whatever) use advertising strategies to try and get the public on-side.
So... Providing 'information' that is more like advertisement - since communications is more about persuasion than anything else.
So... How do you get the people to accept that there won't be publically funded treatment for this rare kind of leukaemia, or whatever. Since every now and then there is some public outcry about some kid (usually) who didn't get treatment... So private fundraising... Goes overseas and gets the treatment...
And it was particularly upsetting to me because today there was something in the paper about how people in this country don't get their cardiac surgery (it gets postponed 4 times or whatever) and then people die.
And it upsets me that we think it is a better idea to put all this money into having a bunch of people employed to figure out how to get the public to simply accept that this choice (to delay delay delay until the people go away or literally die of a broken heart) is better than putting that same amount of money into the actual treatment of people.
All the f*ck*ng conferences for managers. All the f*ck*ng 'support staff' whose job is to delay delay delay. All the paperwork in triplicate and so on... All the f*ck*ng busy busy busy work. Hiring people to be f*ck*ng obstructive because obstruction saves money (somehow). Just... Redistributes it differently. Me-wards.
There was this idea of... Maybe if the people didn't have a comparison. Maybe if the people didn't know that certain cardiac surgeries existed (for example) then they would be just so very much more accepting of the government not funding that treatment for the population. Some little glimmer of interest in that...
And I remember how for so very many years of my life I was so f*ck*ng miserable. So very f*ck*ng miserable and unhappy and I wondered why I ever had to be born and wished I'd never been. And I didn't know what was wrong. I couldn't put my finger on it. I couldn't blame anything in particular (I mean it was me - right? There was something irrevokably wrong with me - but not something that meant I should be treated, clearly)... And what was wrong was... That life was sh*t. I didn't need a comparison class to see that. Life can be nasty, nasty bruitish and short and it's just as nasty bruitish and short whether or not there are other people living like queens...
But seeing other people living like queens... Wasting money here there and everywhere... Making stupid decisions and unlucky decisions and psychopathic decisions... It's vinegar in the wound, to be sure.
And of course it isn't fair to blame public health academics (or similar). Not even the economists or managers. Most probably. And of course there are similar frivalities in government spending all over the place and it's silly to get upset about health, in particular. Only... It's like how you (or I, anyway) EXPECT MORE of certain people precisely because they are involved in certain professions.
I guess the public health people are about a public health system - where they are not expected to / are not required to use that system themself.
And the people who work in housing aren't forced to live in a rental property that is managed similarly (with same laws applying and being enforced) to the tenants whose interests they supposedly serve...
I guess people are just trying to make a living. And it has been decided that it is a better use (in some sense) of funds to divert funds to busy-work to keep people meaningfully (in some sense) employed. Maybe... If they are good enough at preventing others from getting the things they need they'll get enough such that they can afford the things they need for themselves.
I have a horrible view of teh world, right now. It's not about a comparison class.
There is this whole focus (I think obsession) here on hierarchy. I think it is a British influence sort of a thing. Biblical, even with the idea of God and then the King and then power filtering down through more and more. And this idea of a hierarchy pervades other aspects of life. There is this idea that life, generally, is something of a hierarchy. And things like evidence... Hierarchy of evidence with everything being arrangable on a scale of better or worse or best. Anyway...
This is something that has come up for me... This idea of absolute and relative wealth... I think the idea is that in terms of absolute wealth we are doing great in NZ. That's the marketing. That's what we persuade people. 'Don't be silly! Stop your wining and complaining! Things are doing great! You have enough food (actually, nutritionally empty calorie dense rubbish that will kill you - if it wasn't only temporary!) what are you complaining about? What is wrong with you! We are so rich here that people are dying of obesity (it's their own fault they only eat rubbish!) and so on... We are so rich here that people waste money on alcohol (actually a way of self-medicating because there is not much of another way to block out the nasty rubbish in your neighbourhood and damage to teh frontal lobes is pretty mjuch the only thing helping you come to see the light that things are really wonderfully terrific and only temporary!!)
My point being: We are very poor. Lots of people in the US, too. Addicted to sugar and corn syrup and salt... To the point where they can't handle the detox and we sell them 'it's your own fault for not being able to moderate consumption'. We tend to not blame people (anymore) that they can't moderate... Cocaine use etc. We get that certain substances are addictive... But we don't get it for food...
So most people here don't actually eat a nutritoinally adequate diet. And it is killing them of all these 'developed nation' diseases and we WILL NOT face up to the obvious fact that they are NUTRITOINAL DEPRIVATION illnesses...
No... This would be me not understanding (oh please don't let me fail public health AGAIN).
But this idea of relative poverty...
There was this thing about people trying to get fans in sweatshops someplace overseas. The sweatshop people don't want to spend the money on installing them and running them and so on... So the people were trying to make a case on economic (rather than humanitarian) grounds. Sayign that the workers would be more productive if they weren't delerious with heat exhaustion. They offered to install fans in one of the workshops. The sweatshop owners wouldn't accept that, apparently. They said that they could do that - because the workers who were assigned to the control workshop (without fans) would be jealous.
So this idea that a better world is a world where everyone lives in sh*t rather than a world in which less people or a lesser proportion of people live in sh*t.
It was probably more to do with the fear that they would be forced to install them / maintain them.
But this relative poverty thing, again.
Most people would rather be head of a hierarchy. Most people would rather be best house on the worst street.
That is odd, to me. I always thought the idea was to be worst house on the best street. Becaue then... Your environment is conducive to your getting better. You are ALLOWED to get better, at the very least. You would actually be allowed. Neighbours would approve of your efforts to improve.
We see that some people in some countries have access to x or y or z in their health system - but we don't.
What do we need to do to make that happen, here? How can we make that happen here? Why do certain things in healthcare cost so much? Especially surgeries (if you can reduce the reliance on medications and medical devices and patiented technologies)... Why can't we clear the surgical waitlists for routine procedures?
Instead... Lets try and restrict access to information... So the people don't even know these procedures exist... People won't be upset they are dying if they don't know that what htey are dying of is preventable...
ANd of course the vultures circling... Always...
I feel sad, today. I don't want to piss off the public health people. There are good people, I'm sure. I... Couldn't work in it, that's for sure.
Of course they should have nice conferences and so on. And the government should also fund the arts. And there are perfectly nice managers and so on who are doing their best to make an honest living and so on... And no, I don't suppose I do want to see them out of work...
But I'm scared about whether I'll find a suitable house, I guess. I think it is more important to me than most people to have my own quiet private space.
Which is of course why I never seem to have one.
It's a nasty world. I don't like it very much.
It will be okay.
Posted by alexandra_k on November 6, 2017, at 23:43:21
In reply to Re: politics, posted by alexandra_k on November 6, 2017, at 23:39:07
and of course it wasn't really about the talk, today, it was about me being exhausted just after exams, and me feeling scared about whether or not I have a future in this country (whether medicine will invest in me, or whether I'm only wanted if I'm prepared to hang about begging for scraps).
And seeing it that way...
Yeah, well, I've been rather too trusting of people, in my life. The things I've tried, here, because people thought they might turn out to be suitable for me / good for me. I'm just not prepared to fall for that, anymore. If it makes me percieved as domineering and / or intolerant or, whatever, well... Maybe that's for the best. Something something about how people rather like to fall (grumbling incessantly, of course, always peck peck pecking) behind a strong leader.
Maybe that's just the way you have to be.
___
Which is why housing is so hard. There is an element of holding out rather than settling for sh*t. I usually cave too early and then wonder why I spend so much of my life suffering... Suffering... Suffering... From all the toxic sh*t.
No more.
Posted by alexandra_k on November 7, 2017, at 0:07:50
In reply to Re: politics, posted by alexandra_k on November 6, 2017, at 23:43:21
And something really rather ironic, indeed...
There is / are beautiful beaches, here. Maybe not so beautiful by international standards. Not, exactly, tourist destinations.
But quiet. Rugged. Quiet because they are rugged. Choppy ocean on sandy beach in arctic breeze...
Site of former sewerage outflow pipe. In fact, site of present sewerage outflow pipe, I think. They just make it longer... Pipes it 1.5km offshore...
All the sh*t.
It's really quite beautiful, out there.
Signs still up about not swiming in the water or eating the shellfish.
It might be quite nice to be living out there. Literally amongst the sh*t.
Things are not always what they seem, here.
I think it mostly might be about keeping things hidden away...
It's unfortunate that this hierarchy idea has become embraced as part of Maaori culture... Instead of this idea of... Well... Everyone being a leader. A meeting of minds.
We're just not there, yet.
And yes, I will stop.
Time for a blocking?
Pay attention to me.
Wah.
I am not like them. Not. Not. Not.
Go forward in thread:
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