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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 9 of 9. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Racer on August 15, 2007, at 22:58:32
I'm having a bad day. One of the many things that got under my skin today involved the daughter of a friend. Said friend died a couple of years ago, and her daughter calls periodically in crisis.
During today's call, she included, '...and now I think I've developed an eating disorder..." First of all, she's had bariatric surgery, because she really and truly did have an eating disorder: obesity caused by binge eating.
But what really got to me is that she's always looking for attention, with her "I'm in such a crisis, someone save me!" dramas -- and this is yet another of those dramas. She knows I've got an eating disorder -- her mother was my friend for over 20 years, and was often upset about me and my weight. It just felt as though she was throwing that in to get a response from me.
And it's upsetting. When I say I suffer from an eating disorder, it's because I SUFFER from an eating disorder. I have spent enough of my life in abject misery from this, and I know she's looking for attention -- she's done this before, telling another woman I know the same thing, only to be shown to be making it up. It's just that this is the first time she's tried it on with me. I just feel so impotent, somehow -- I'm angry, because I feel as though it was partly a slap at me -- she has a history of that behavior, by the way -- and also because I felt as though my suffering was being trivialized. As though an eating disorder was something that could be picked up and put back down at any time.
I just had to vent, and hoped someone here would understand why this was so upsetting to me.
Posted by Poet on August 16, 2007, at 11:05:25
In reply to Someone pretending to have an ED..., posted by Racer on August 15, 2007, at 22:58:32
Hi Racer,
I completely understand why it's upsetting you. I think that she wants attention and knows just which button to push to immediately get yours. She's probably thinking, if I say I have an eating disorder then Racer will be major attention to me. I just sent her a cyber slap to her head.
I hope you were able to set this person straight. I'm sorry she upset you. Another cyber slap to her head.
Poet
Posted by Racer on August 16, 2007, at 22:58:47
In reply to Re: Someone pretending to have an ED... » Racer, posted by Poet on August 16, 2007, at 11:05:25
Thanks, Poet.
I did practice good self-care about this, though. First, before I returned this person's call, I called a friend who always cheers me up, and then afterwards I IM'd with another friend who also helped.
Oh, wait -- you know I called a friend first, don't you?
xoxo
Posted by Cecilia on August 17, 2007, at 21:25:29
In reply to Someone pretending to have an ED..., posted by Racer on August 15, 2007, at 22:58:32
I'm not clear, if you are correct in your assumption that this woman already had an eating disorder (not all obesity is caused by binge eating, a lot is genetic) why you think her issues should have disappeared by bariatric surgery. Surgery only changes the body, not the mind. Once your stomach is surgically reduced to a size that will only accommodate a few bites without vomiting, you have no choice but to either have surgically induced bulimia or to learn to eat tiny tiny amounts like an anorexic. She obviously chose the wrong person for support, but I wouldn't assume she has suffered any less than you. Anybody who has ever been overweight knows full well the suffering overweight people endure in our society. Cecilia
Posted by Racer on August 17, 2007, at 23:00:02
In reply to Re: Someone pretending to have an ED..., posted by Cecilia on August 17, 2007, at 21:25:29
I'm sorry if I wasn't more clear in my post. I was very upset about what happened, and probably didn't express myself well.
In this case, what she was claiming was being unable to eat at all, losing so much weight that everyone around her was worried, and being so frail as a result that she'd have to be hospitalized within days, or risk death. (She moved a few months ago, and now lives half a state away.) She's done this before, with other people, only to send pictures later from the period when she was "dangerously thin," which showed her to be looking just fine. (She tells different stories to different people, and I think she forgets what she's said.)
I do realize that her history of weight issues is an eating disorder. (The rest of her family is on the small side, and she's always had trouble with binging.) My reaction to this is based on -- well, it's mostly based on having known her for the 20 years her mother and I were close friends, but also on the fact that she knows full well that I'm not OK myself. I have told her in the past that I'm not the one to discuss her weight issues with, largely because I have so much trouble dealing with my own weight gain. I feel so enormous, and yet I know my doctor would act pretty rapidly if I lost weight. It's a hell of a place to be, and I'm not interested in being an audience for someone else's melodrama when it hits so close to home.
Whoops! I guess I'm getting riled up again. I'm sorry about that.
Let's leave it at this: I was upset in part because my stated disinclination to discuss weight related issues with this woman was completely ignored. This is not the first time she's ignored my stated unwillingness to discuss certain issues with her. She has legitimate problems, and I'm more than willing to offer advice on how she can get help for them. Hell, before she moved, I spent two and a half days on the telephone for her, getting her a list of pdocs and Ts who'd see her for a reduced rate, who had openings at that time, etc. I'm not unsympathetic -- but I am still sensitive on some points, and one of them is having my stated boundaries totally ignored.
By the way, when I found those options for her, she never bothered to follow up. She didn't need treatment, after all, I guess...
Posted by ClearSkies on August 18, 2007, at 13:27:31
In reply to Re: Someone pretending to have an ED... » Cecilia, posted by Racer on August 17, 2007, at 23:00:02
First of all, a hug is in order ((((Racer)))) because I know that having lost a good friend in the first place is difficult enough, but then to be the sympathetic ear to their child is almost like facing that loss over and over again.
((((Racer))))Second, perhaps there is a good time to say, "Whoops, you know, my dishes are begging me to wash them just this second, I gotta run," or "Say, the light just changed to green and I need both hands AND my ears to drive - I'll call you back." and end the call. I guess I'm suggesting that it's not the best thing in the world for you to be listening to what this person has to say right now, and that an out, any out, from a conversation, would be a healthy thing for you to do. I don't think, from my understanding of this person, that she'd be prepared to respond to you saying. "I'm sorry, but I can't really listen to what you have to say because it's causing me pain." It's going to be beyond her comprehension. (So being honest with her would be a painful exercise for you and she wouldn't get it anyway.)
Sometimes being there to listen to someone else's problems isn't the best thing for them (i.e., she's not ever likely to act on advice given in good faith), and it definitely isn't in your best interests to listen to her skewed ED stories.
I think we have to be very careful to surround ourselves with positive influences in as many areas of our lives as possible.
I'm sorry, too, Racer, if the other thread that LlurpsieNoodle and I are engaging in on this board are difficult for you.
ClearSkies
Posted by Poet on August 18, 2007, at 16:37:52
In reply to Re: Someone pretending to have an ED... » Poet, posted by Racer on August 16, 2007, at 22:58:47
Hi Racer,
I'm still sorry that your late friend's daughter is pushing your buttons. Take those buttons and sew them on a "you can't get to me anymore" dress and change into it before you call her again.
My anorexic friend is pushing my buttons. She keeps telling me that wine is sugar and it doesn't get absorbed, but goes straight to fat. She wants me to stop drinking and come over and exercise with her. She exercises for four hours a night. No thanks, I'll stick with my two hours a week of water aerobics followed by two glasses of chardonnay.
Poet
Posted by Cecilia on August 19, 2007, at 6:03:43
In reply to Re: Someone pretending to have an ED... » Cecilia, posted by Racer on August 17, 2007, at 23:00:02
Well, if you've told her before it's not an issue you wish to discuss and she did anyway, then she's definitely violating your boundaries and you have a perfect right to just say you don't want to talk to her. Easier said than done I know. Do you have caller ID? Cecilia
Posted by Maxime on August 19, 2007, at 20:20:49
In reply to Someone pretending to have an ED..., posted by Racer on August 15, 2007, at 22:58:32
But what really got to me is that she's always looking for attention, with her "I'm in such a crisis, someone save me!" dramas -- and this is yet another of those dramas. She knows I've got an eating disorder -- her mother was my friend for over 20 years, and was often upset about me and my weight. It just felt as though she was throwing that in to get a response from me.
>Racer *hugs* she IS trying to get a response from you! Vent her and ignore her. Do you think she has BPD (god, i using that term, but it seeems to fit)?
Take care.
Maxime
This is the end of the thread.
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