![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 4 of 4. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Racer on November 3, 2006, at 13:44:58
How do people get and/or maintain motivation to recover? I thought I had it, but now I'm not so sure.
One thing that makes it weird is that I want *other* people to recover -- just, you know, it doesn't seem to apply to me...
A year ago, when it still looked as though there was a chance for us to have a baby, I had an easier time of it. "Well, I have to do this now, in order to get something I want more than I want the AN." Now, though, as it seems less and less likely to happen, I'm slipping again. Badly.
I don't know what it is that AN gives me. But whatever it is, it's strong. How have other people managed to find that motivation?
Posted by Adrift on November 4, 2006, at 1:17:29
In reply to Motivation to recover?, posted by Racer on November 3, 2006, at 13:44:58
>How have other people managed to find that motivation?
For me, I function better when I eat normally. That is my main motivation. I see a marked difference in my mood, my life, my presentation, when I start restricting. It consumes me when it takes a hold. I realized how much I hate being controlled by something and how enjoying life at the moment was worth so much more. My life revolved around how I was going to "appear" to be eating when I was with others for too long, it is hard work! I don't really have any great advice, but for me it was looking at what I was doing to myself that snapped me out of it. I was not healthy and I want to be healthy. I want to be "normal" in every way, that is probably my biggest motivator. Racer, you still have that motivation, you just need to find it again, it's there. Sometimes we get knocked off course and we have to find our path again. Are you under more stress then usual?
Posted by Jost on November 4, 2006, at 11:31:52
In reply to Re: Motivation to recover? » Racer, posted by Adrift on November 4, 2006, at 1:17:29
This is a thought, although maybe not right.
maybe what you're looking for is some other focus, or source of meaning. Having a baby was a kind of meaning, something you wanted to do a lot-- maybe you need to find something-- maybe something you're afraid to do, like a career, or education, or travelling--- I don't know what would do it-- to be an important source of meaning.
When I didn't eat for that time, it was because my life had suddenly lost everything that seemed to give it meaning, value, purpose, connection. It's not that easy to just "find" one-- but there might be one there that you avoid, or don't allow yourself to fulfill.
I don't know if that's what it is for others, but it could be something that helps.
Jost
Posted by ElaineM on November 10, 2006, at 12:02:03
In reply to Motivation to recover?, posted by Racer on November 3, 2006, at 13:44:58
Hey Racer, How're you doing? I'm sorry I don't contribute much, but I think it's a big deal that you're stuggling a bit. Though it's pretty good that you're first question is to ask how to maintain motivation (or find it again) instead of just automatically reverting. I don't doubt there was probably a time when it wasn't like that.
>>>>>One thing that makes it weird is that I want *other* people to recover -- just, you know, it doesn't seem to apply to me...
Do you know why you don't think it applies to you? I've found this part interesting and/or crucial. With me, when I was during an actively ED phase, I've sometimes found it hard to accept that other people could be experiencing the "good stuff" from the ED. I wanted it to make me equal to others, but if they were getting the, for example, feeling of strength through self-deprivation too, then an equalling out wouldn't be any closer.
But then when I've been in a "trying to recover" phase, I would begin to see that the "good stuff" was a lie, wasn't seen as good by anyone but me (and other sufferers, i guess), and then I wanted others to not hurt themself the same way. Though I still thought that it would be okay if I stayed sick cause I always feel like I deserve punishment. That they deserve happiness, but I don't...stuff like that.>>>>>>>Now, though, as it seems less and less likely to happen, I'm slipping again. Badly.
So do you think that you use physical hunger and the side-effects as a destraction, from things you're missing in your life (a baby specifically, though even stuff you can't always name)?
One woman became pregnant as she was in the outpatient part! It was unplanned, and she fought like h*ll to instantaneously change everything she felt and thought and did. I wrote letters with her for awhile and she started relapsing after the baby was over a year. I couldn't figure it out. I always thought a baby would be enough (probaby cause I won't likely be able to ever have one - before the AN too though), but I guess it doesn't always work that way. Maybe I need to figure out what a baby means to me. (It's hard though. I tried the "Writting a letter to: The Child I'll never Have" thing, and it was so effing hard I thought my heart was going to burst)
Another time, one woman was re-admitted when I was nearing my end because she had been told she couldn't have a baby and she had really turned to the AN to cope. She couldn't understand why her other family members, her husband (who she adored and was so supportive), her music career of which she was passionate about, was just not worth her health - only a baby. She struggled alot with that cause she thought it could suggest that she didn't love anyone else.
I wonder about things like that too. I've wondered almost the same thing about myself. When a family member was dying he sat to talk to me about us both fighting our own struggles, and that although it looked like it was too late for him, that he would continue fighting if I promised to do the same. And afterwards when I left I sat in my room and bawled for hours, wrote LadyT a huge letter.... I couldn't stop crying. That he would compare cancer to my stupid anorexia! (even now I'm getting tears in my eyes from thinking of his words) He couldn't control his being sick and he wished for even an extra day to be added on, to just enjoy by living through it. ANd here I was counting how much gum I was chewing and prancing around in children's clothing. Really, I couldn't get over how humiliated I felt. But the disgusting part was, even though I promised him to his face (hoping he would feel peace with that), I STILL, STILL after witnessing a grown man weep because the flower arrangement was beautiful and he was gonna miss stuff like that, STILL I couldn't/wouldn't/???? change my ways. I don't understand why another's love is not enough. I think my anorexia is a selfish disease.
Anyways, in terms of motivation, the longest I've ever kept my weight up was when I was with LadyT. It was pre-determined by the place she worked (the same applied for everyone) that to continue having her as a T my weight had to stay above a certain number. No exceptions. Not for me, not for someone sicker than me, not for anyone. [you had to be weight-recovered before starting, though you had a significant window to drop some weight in while remaining "acceptable"] So of course I dropped down to the bare minimum and stayed there. But I stayed there cause I cared for her so deeply. I didn't ever want to leave her, and cause I knew the length of working with her was limited, I was d@mned sure I wasn't gonna miss out on a single minute because of wanting to be a couple pounds lower. Staying supported by her was worth giving up the only other thing I seemed to care about. I guess that connection is what makes some treatments successful, at least temporarily - which is still a big deal cause most relapses after intense re-feeding happen instantly. I also think that's why I really really believe in programs that are socio-familial in structure.
I just can't figure out why the "love" I felt for her was enough, when other real-life stuff wasn't. Maybe it's because you need the relationship/connection AND the enviroment. Take away the safe (etc) environment and the relationship would exist in a vacuum - which is what real-life was I guess. I could have a truely loving person caring about me, but in a world with other stuff to overwhelm me, it wasn't gonna be enough. [hmm, this last part just hit me when writing this. sorta answered a piece of my own questions.....learned something new..]
=====
Also, right now, my motivation has been because (not only have I witnessed it in others) I'm experiencing how horrifying it is to lose your health. THe health I took for granted for so long. I know I haven't talked much about the specifics wrong with me, but I'd give anything in the world to be able to dance again, or ride a roller coaster, or do marathon shopping sessions at the mall.....tons of other things I didn't ever realize I was actually DOING before. I really feel like I wasted a functioning body and relative good health, for no reason at all. I guess this is where I insert the "don't know what you've got until it's gone" cliche. *weak smile* Who knows though, If I was blessed by good health again some time in the future that the old twisted beliefs wouldn't come back with a vengence. I honest-to-god think my mind has changed for good though. I think I'm done with that. Now I just always hope (when it doesn't hurt too much to do so) that I'll get the opportunity to test out my new resolve one day.I'm glad you're reaching out right now. I think the most important thing to do in recovery is try and figure out what the ED does for/gives you - but of course that would have to be the hardest thing to do right? Maybe you should try the "List all the reasons your ED is good" exercise and you could let your T pick through it with you. I don't know. You just make a list of short sentences, and then each turn (we did this in a group setting so I guess you try one a week or something like that) you use that one sentence as a jumping off to talk about only that one aspect of your ED. ANd you can't mention anything bad about the ED during this excerise. It's so you won't go into critisizing yourself for having it (which is really hard to avoid doing), but figure a little out about *why* you do.
Something to think about whenever you're up to it.But let me know how you're doing with the slipping either way whenever you feel like saying something.
blove EL
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Eating | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.