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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 11 of 11. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Racer on July 11, 2006, at 23:00:24
I feel disgustingly fat right now. But I know that "fat" is not a feeling. So, what is it that I am feeling?
I don't have it in me today to look into that. Therapy was horrendous today, and I feel sick from it. But at least it's worth thinking about what "fat" means to me.
Anyone want to put in their two cents?
Fat means: lazy, a loser, pathetic, ineffectual, self-indulgent, out of control, slovenly, and I'm sure there are other things "fat" means to me, too. But that's a start, huh?
Anyone else?
Posted by Emily Elizabeth on July 11, 2006, at 23:45:00
In reply to What does 'FAT' mean?, posted by Racer on July 11, 2006, at 23:00:24
Flawed and unlovable.
EE
Posted by 10derHeart on July 11, 2006, at 23:47:48
In reply to What does 'FAT' mean?, posted by Racer on July 11, 2006, at 23:00:24
***warning - this may be a really depressing post to read re: body image***
Um...for me it seems to mean many of the things you listed, and then also....
different
invisible
gross (whatever *that* means)
disgusting
and maybe worst of all - ugly.Which is so utterly irrational and ridiculous I can't even believe I can't get out from under that connection. I have many friends who are above a healthy weight, and I don't find them physically - or in any other way - ugly. Not one bit. In fact, they are some of the most beautiful people I know. I don't *see* their overweight bodies when I'm with them. I mean I do, but I really *don't*, ya' know?
And I've been told, and I want to believe, they see me (or rather, don't) the same way. And I completely do not get how that can be. After all, I'm fat AND UGLY. (And BTW, 60-70 pounds ago, I did not see ugly in a mirror, i.e., the ugliness is directly related to weight alone - heck, I even thought I was sometimes pretty, or at least pretty-okay-looking...without the weight)
You see, this acceptance and unimportance of one's physical size I easily extend to others - this has nothing nothing to do with *me*. *My* fatness is ugly in every way, and the ugliness leads to self-loathing and many days to resignation I can never change a thing, which leads to more careless eating.... :-(
And...I'll just quit now as this is a topic I just don't talk about. I've managed to bring it up twice in 18 months to my T. - and he's wonderful and I can tell tell him anything. Except about fat, weight, eating and body image. It's absolutely terrifying and makes me feel ill to discuss it with him. Go figure.
Somehow I'm wondering if I should post this. But it's all how I honestly feel.
I'm sorry Racer, if this isn't where you were thinking of going. I guess I took "anyone else?" as a license to spew about one of my biggest and hardest-to-EVER-speak-about issues.
<sigh>
(((((all of us struggling with any of this))))
Posted by 10derHeart on July 11, 2006, at 23:53:05
In reply to Re: What does 'FAT' mean?, posted by Emily Elizabeth on July 11, 2006, at 23:45:00
...that really is it, isn't is?
I could replace my long post with what you just said.
{tears}
but....but...but...we're not those things. we know we're not....we KNOW, yet we still feel this way ??? :-(
((EE)) - who I find close to flawless (after all, no one's perfect ;-) and *very* lovable here at Babble
Posted by Racer on July 12, 2006, at 2:10:55
In reply to Re: What does 'FAT' mean?, posted by Emily Elizabeth on July 11, 2006, at 23:45:00
Yes. Two words, and they say it all.
I feel flawed.
I feel unloveable.
I feel unacceptable, too.
Posted by 10derHeart on July 12, 2006, at 11:11:56
In reply to OMG » Emily Elizabeth, posted by Racer on July 12, 2006, at 2:10:55
>I feel unacceptable, too
Me, too, and mostly to myself.
Doesn't seem to matter how much acceptance I'm getting from others, (and I mean important others like my daughter, and my T., and my best friend) if it's not "okay with me" it's definitely not okay.
I feel very bad around this and better stop reading here for now....
Posted by ElaineM on July 12, 2006, at 16:10:11
In reply to What does 'FAT' mean?, posted by Racer on July 11, 2006, at 23:00:24
I agree with what everyone has said.
To me fat means: an aesthetic mess, squishy, train-wreck ugly(so I think that people are staring at me), unworthy of pity or kindness or love, unappealing to men (guaranteed forever-single)[even when males say they don't like super-skinny women].
I guess mainly, for me, fat means un-female. And being un-female when you are supposed to be one, means you're barely human. I feel like a table, or a rock. Definately not alive. I really feel like I don't want to exist being as big as I am now.
I too, didn't feel like I was so horribly ugly when I was really sick. Even when people would walk by and say "Ewww, did you see how skinny that girl was", I'd be proud. Now I feel so ugly, that I fear if I fell down (from my physical illness) that no one would even stop to help me. I sometimes even worry that my fatness is causing my illness (though I've been told that it's not possible).
I try and not worry about weight so much, now that I've lost my physical health, but I just can't help it.
I guess I use FAT to explain away everything bad in my world. Maybe I do that cause I think that, if I were really thin again, I would be able to handle all the cr@p thrown my way, better.
Who knew so much could come from a three-letter word!
ELaine
Posted by 10derHeart on July 13, 2006, at 12:07:20
In reply to Re: What does 'FAT' mean?, posted by ElaineM on July 12, 2006, at 16:10:11
Hi Elaine,
I'm sorry you understand all this so well. Sorry anyone of us does.
>Now I feel so ugly, that I fear if I fell down (from my physical illness) that no one would even stop to help me.<
This statement reminded me so much of something in a group therapy session with an ex-pdoc of mine (wonderful, lovely person, pdoc and therapist). One of the women who had a hx of severe panic attacks and issues with bad anxiety said she was afraid to walk down the aisle in her church any more. She was sad and frustated about being unable to do that. She said she was afraid she'd be self-conscious and nervous, and possibly start having panicky symtoms, e.g., lightheadedness, weakness, shortness of breath or dizziness, so she might actually start to fall down in church. She said this in such a way you could tell she envisioned that possibility as mortifying, and had no thoughts of anyone possibly helping her.
My ex-pdoc gently asked her a few questions about the kindness of people the woman knew in church (she had clearly been there for many years and seemed much valued in her faith community), how they treated each other, etc. Then he said, so calmly, gently and reasonably, "well, I think in my own church if I fell, or started to, walking down the aisle, that people *would* help me. I don't imagine them doing anything else. Isn't it possible they would care about you, not want you to fall down, and do the same for you in your church, if that happened? Can you at least imagine that *might* be the outcome, because (as she'd just told him) they value and care about each other, including you?"
This simple possibility brought tears to her eyes, just opening that tiny door to think *maybe* people would be compassionate and caring, not repulsed, not scared, not judgemental. It was such a powerful moment. Maybe I've explained it badly, though, or you had to be there.
Elaine - *I* would *definitely* stop to help you if you fell in the street. I don't care what you look like or weigh. And it can't be only me. We create these potential nightmares and negative images so well, in our heads, don't we? I do it, too. Yet, people are nobler than that...I really think so.
((Elaine))
Posted by Elainem on July 13, 2006, at 15:14:26
In reply to Re: What does 'FAT' mean? » ElaineM, posted by 10derHeart on July 13, 2006, at 12:07:20
10derheart:
Thank you for that story - you explained it well. It's very hard because I always had anxiety problems to start with. And a part of what I found so appealing about being anorexic was that, to me, being emaciated felt like I got to walk around waving a white flag. I always imagined that the thinness was saying to others who passed by, "Don't worry. Look how I'm already hurting myself. You don't need to stop to kick me." That it broadcast such extreme weakness and patheticness that no one (even the most cruel person) could have the heart to laugh at me, or insult me, or hit me, with me looking like that.
Now that I've gained all my weight back, I feel like I've lost all my security - the small sense of safety in the world, that I had only just discovered. Usually I don't even feel worthy of being alive. Not only cause I'm ugly and fat - but those are like the last straw.
The only time I felt that some people may actually be noble (as you said) was when I was in the hospital. That's the only world that felt safe - which is odd cause "trapped" into gaining weight is usually the ultimate nightmare of an anorexic. But twice I bartered gaining 35lbs for the sense of protection that place provided (the other time I was forced). It was the only world where it sometimes felt okay to be ugly, and become fat in. I guess cause that world was so structured. Rules enforced. Things that couldn't be done to another. Ways you were not allowed to talk. And then, at the end of the day, an entire staff to hug you or tell you how proud they were with how much you were "working" - when really all you did was continue to breathe through another day (well, and eat). Imagine someone congratulating you for that : ) [sigh]
I'll stop now. I always work myself up when start missing the lost times, and places where I've felt safe. And I apoligize for high-jacking the thread, I don't have time to talk much about my ED with all my involvement with other specialists.
Again, I really felt as though you could identify. Your story made me want to see your old pdoc.
thanks ELaine
Posted by JLx on July 13, 2006, at 19:43:47
In reply to What does 'FAT' mean?, posted by Racer on July 11, 2006, at 23:00:24
> I feel disgustingly fat right now. But I know that "fat" is not a feeling. So, what is it that I am feeling?
>
> I don't have it in me today to look into that. Therapy was horrendous today, and I feel sick from it. But at least it's worth thinking about what "fat" means to me.
>
> Anyone want to put in their two cents?
>
> Fat means: lazy, a loser, pathetic, ineffectual, self-indulgent, out of control, slovenly, and I'm sure there are other things "fat" means to me, too. But that's a start, huh?
>
> Anyone else?Fat means I've eaten too much in the past. I love and accept and forgive myself for that today. I know that I always did the best I could.
Fat is therefore a temporary condition of my body that doesn't reflect WHO I AM. Fat is not me. *I* am me.
The excess fat that I have accumulated on my body reflects emotional baggage that I choose to unload today. As I lose pounds, I unload baggage; I unload baggage, I lose pounds.
I've suffered enough.
Words have power.
I've suffered enough.
JL
Posted by capricorn on July 23, 2006, at 23:14:34
In reply to What does 'FAT' mean?, posted by Racer on July 11, 2006, at 23:00:24
Fat means me.
This is the end of the thread.
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