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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 4 of 4. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Racer on March 31, 2005, at 15:08:06
I've been working on "recovering" for some months now, and have hit a wall. Head on, at about 60 miles per hour. Totalled my front end. If there's anyone here who has gotten past this, can you tell me HOW?
Since about November, I've gained almost 14 kilos. I hate it, feel lousy, etc. I've gone back and forth between coming close to meeting the goals set on my meal plan, and not even trying. For the past week or so, I've been restricting again, and loving the way it feels, but also feeling ashamed and guilty for doing it.
I know there's a huge disconnect involved -- hell, I know how ridiculous it is for me to encourage other people while I'm letting myself backslide -- but so far the treatment is really only nutritional counseling. My new T and I are still working our way through my history, we have only spoken once or twice about my whole ED spectrum of issues. (And she hasn't much experience with EDs. I mentioned my belly the other day, and she was very surprised to hear about the visceral obesity phenomenon. Also, I didn't start seeing her until I had gained most of this weight. She didn't see me when I was thin.)
Also, at the support group I go to, last night I mentioned how much I had gained since starting to go to the group. Everyone said, "I haven't noticed you've changed at all." That was devastating! I know that it's supposed to be reassuring -- but all I can think of is that I was the fattest there to begin with! That group, though, is wonderful. I do still get the "you're feeling sorry for me" reaction when someone tells me I look just fine, but otherwise it's so, so helpful for me.
Anyway, every day through this relapse, I have gone through periods where I feel as though I WILL meet my food goals today -- only to find that I then skip most of my meals instead. I don't know how to try to hold on to any sort of motivation long enough to act on it. Wait -- I can hold on to the motivation to restrict, so I guess it's only the *healthy* motivations I can't hold on to.
Anyone have any advice?
Posted by narcissistic_martyr on March 31, 2005, at 23:02:35
In reply to Wavering motivation, posted by Racer on March 31, 2005, at 15:08:06
"Wavering Motivation" ... Girl, (or, should i say, "Woman" ^_^ ), i am *all about* wavering motivation. Just from reading your posts, though, I can tell that you've gotta helluva lot of *healthy* motivation -- prbly far more than you give yourself credit for!
Is it hard? Hell yeah. Will you "slip" sometimes? Mos' def. But I think the fact that you can recognize your "slip-ups" & other symptoms of "wavering motivation" is an *excellent* thing.
unfortunately, i dont have any advice, per se, other than to keep doing what you *know* in your heart to be best for you -- and I dont have to tell you what that is; you are obviously a very intelligent individual & dont need a "lecture" from a worthless little twerp half your age *eyeroll* You've come so far (and i dont just mean weight-wise); do you REALLY want to end up where you started?
Er, btw, that was meant as a rhetorical question!
Posted by partlycloudy on April 1, 2005, at 7:04:39
In reply to Wavering motivation, posted by Racer on March 31, 2005, at 15:08:06
Speaking from a non-ED point of view, but as a out-of-practice alcoholic, I'd agree with n_m. I can't imagine that recovering from an eating disorder would be a straight line to success, just as my recovery to sobriety isn't.
I think that once your therapy can get to the point of starting to discuss the ED, that you'll find your hard work with the nutritionist will start to pay off. Right now you're only able to address the practical side of the problem - taking in enough nutrition so you can get to a healthy, maintainable weight.The doubts you have about keeping your motivation going sounds like the same reaction I might have - and it is exactly how I think about my sobriety.
Yesterday my p-doc offered to put me on a med that's been released to help with alcohol cravings. "What are the side effects?" I asked. Long list followed of unpleasant possibilities - and I said, thanks but no thanks. At this point I believe my stumbling block is psychological and not biophysical; that I have a lot more learning to do about why I do what I do so that I can alter how I react to triggers, etc. So I refused the offer of help from my doctor to stop the cravings I get. Was it stupid of me? Does it mean I'm in denial about my problem and whether I really want to get better? I don't think so. I'm *just* getting to a point where I'm able to take a closer look at why I do what I do.
Racer, these important steps you're taking can't be rushed. Don't worry that you're not acting in your best interest at the moment, because not all your support systems are in place yet. Your safety net is still being woven.
With best wishes and much love,
pc
Posted by Augustina on April 1, 2005, at 10:57:01
In reply to Wavering motivation, posted by Racer on March 31, 2005, at 15:08:06
Racer,
About 1 month ago I came into my therapy session all pumped up, telling my T that I finally, without a doubt, 100% want to “get rid” of this ED once and for all! I just felt so imprisoned by it, by my rules, the obsessions, the all-consuming nature of this beast that literally makes me physically exhausted at the end of the day. I was on the road to recovery once and for all! (so I thought).
Since then however, I’m back to my restrictive habits again, listening to that inner voice telling me how much better I’ll look and feel if I lose “just a little more” weight, what a “better” person I’ll be if I’m thinner, etc, etc…So now, I'm restricting again, big time.
My T tells me this is normal. It is normal for recovery to be a rollercoaster ride of wanting to get better and resisting it. I’m aware of this ride and it sounds like you are too. Give yourself permission to slip up, to not be “perfect” in recovery. The fact that you are with a T that you seem to trust is a great thing right now and with her guidance you will hopefully gain more insight into your motivations and reasons behind them.
-A.
This is the end of the thread.
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