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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 4 of 4. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by antigua on December 2, 2004, at 9:10:38
I read what Poet wrote above and felt I had written it, so I thought I would step out from behind my curtain.
The concept of purging was introduced to me by my evil stepsister when I was a teenager. How simple! I was a chubby teenager. My first bout of depression after my body developed led to a huge weight loss (down to 68 lbs) because I just gave up eating. By 17 I had learned to starve myself as a way to punish myself.
Over the years, my ED served me pretty well. But now, as someone said above, I have plenty of crowns as physical evidence of the damage I did. I avoided the dentist for 8 years this last time so I'm in debt up to my eyeballs to my dentist and enduring countless work, including root canals, but I just couldn't live with what I viewed as my disgusting teeth as a reminder of the csa I experienced. It was a huge leap to get up the courage to go to the dentist.
I didn't tell my T about the ED until several years into therapy, actually not until after my father died. At that point, I had only a suspicion of experiencing csa so it was a big step. That was 12 years ago.
The only time I was able to keep my ED completely under control was when I was pregnant. Despite the physical discomforts, I loved being pregnant because I could relax, eat what I wanted and help my babies grow. I never gained too much weight with the babies, though. Afterwards, despite my best intentions I would revert, especially when I became depressed.
When I'm depressed, I starve myself. What intriuges me is that when I do lose a ton of weight this way, everyone tells me how good I look! So it's reinforcing. (With the last drastic weight loss, my gp said I was probably in better shape than I'd ever been!) When my weight gets too low I hear about it from my husband and friends. I've never been treated for my ED specifically; it's part and parcel of all of my other problems and I deal w/them in therapy.
On a more positive note, Thanksgiving went really well for me this year. Despite having a houseful of company (my own family, including my mother)I did not overeat at dinner. I had one plate of food and stopped eating because I was full. I couldn't believe that I didn't stuff myself silly as I usually do at the holidays. It gave me hope, one little baby step at a time.
I'm feeling better these days so I have extra weight, which disgusts me. I can't look at myself naked (never can unless I'm thinner), but the real fact of the matter is that when I look in the mirror I always see a fat woman, no matter what my weight.
The other thing that helped me was my efforts to quit drinking. When I was drinking, my cravings for junk food were disgusting, but I find that I eat much better w/o the alcohol, or maybe it's just that I don't eat very much at all, which in fact reinforces the ED.
I'm glad I told my story. Only my T knows.
antigua
Posted by Poet on December 3, 2004, at 1:27:02
In reply to antigua's story, posted by antigua on December 2, 2004, at 9:10:38
Hi Antigua,
Thanks for sharing your story. I've never been treated for ED alone, either. Like you, it's part of other things that I am working on.
Keep taking those baby steps. You made it through Thanksgiving, that's a tough one and you did it.
Poet
Posted by Racer on December 4, 2004, at 9:50:00
In reply to antigua's story, posted by antigua on December 2, 2004, at 9:10:38
I'm glad you posted, too. What you wrote about always seeing a fat woman hit home for me, since that's about the size of it for me, too. Of course, the medication induced weight gain I've gone through has really made that much, much worse. Because I have been fat, and because I got so much criticism for it from so many places, I have a really hard time with the concept of gaining weight without getting fat.
And a girlfriend of mine, who knew that I had been anorexic, and knew that I worried about my weight going below a certain point because of fear that it would start again -- which it has, many times -- once told me, "I know you're worried about the weight you've lost, but I think you look better at this weight than I've ever seen you look." Thanks. Just what I need: I'm sinking into depression again, losing weight, starting to restrict again, you KNOW about all this, and you still reinforce it. Great friendship.
Sure, she was trying to lose weight herself, and was rather shallow, but still...
Congrats on Thanksgiving, too.
Posted by yoshimi on December 7, 2004, at 1:06:35
In reply to Re: antigua's story, posted by Racer on December 4, 2004, at 9:50:00
I always see a fat woman in the mirror too.
Its wierd. And Im into some sports where its better to be skinny, i lost 32 lbs last year and everyone telling me how healthy i look and i knew i was healthier really truly before i lost it, well at least i could have stopped at losing 5 or 10. I gained a few back and i feel so fat.it is hard when people tell you you look better underweight. its really scary. im sorry someone
did that to you too. some people just are shallow.im glad you all are rigting about this, i will write my story one day i dont know if there is so much too it. i am not feeling to good about myslef lately.
This is the end of the thread.
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