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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 6 of 6. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by lucie lu on December 19, 2008, at 20:14:42
Thought I'd share with you something that happened this week - about how what I've learned on Babble helped me in a very concrete way.
Someone in my life lost their temper about something this week and jumped up, started shouting at me, gesticulating, really acting crazy and scary and generally got in my face big-time. Because of what I've learned here, instead of responding in kind and jumping into the fray myself (as I might have done not long ago), I was able to say very calmly that I do not want to be talked to in that way and I am willing to talk over any issues but only later, once we've both calmed down and can be civil. I maintained that even when this person was trying to drag me into a fight. Not only did this help me reinforce some necessary boundaries, but I believe also helped ultimately lead to resolution much more effectively than if we'd done the no-holds-barred routine. And we had less to apologize for afterwards.
So these civility guidelines really do teach us something. I've never been too good at doing this (ummm, guess I can be short-tempered too), but it really works. And after doing it on Babble for a while, it felt pretty natural.
Cool.
Lucie
Posted by muffled on December 19, 2008, at 21:26:02
In reply to Praise for the civil phrase, posted by lucie lu on December 19, 2008, at 20:14:42
Posted by Dinah on December 19, 2008, at 22:58:33
In reply to Praise for the civil phrase, posted by lucie lu on December 19, 2008, at 20:14:42
:-)
It certainly is a good skill to learn.
It will sound odd when I say this, but my real life always has sounded like the civility guidelines to a large degree. My husband and I talk that way to each other. I talk that way to everyone really.
But I'm always learning from Babble, even so. Learning new ways to hear things, and new ways to think about things. And I'm often inspired to new expectations for myself when I see others being civil in ways that hadn't even occurred to me.
Posted by Toph on December 20, 2008, at 23:44:28
In reply to Re: Praise for the civil phrase » lucie lu, posted by Dinah on December 19, 2008, at 22:58:33
>
> It will sound odd when I say this, but my real life always has sounded like the civility guidelines to a large degree. My husband and I talk that way to each other. I talk that way to everyone really.
>Yeah, I used to be direct in my work, but I found that some of my clients felt put down when I spoke to them directly. I used to confront child molesters by telling them they we sick criminals, now I say that I'm uncomfortable with what has happened to this child. When I tell the court I'm concerned about the safety of my elder clients the judge keeps telling me to say what I mean. Go figure.
Posted by Toph on December 21, 2008, at 7:16:04
In reply to Re: Praise for the civil phrase » lucie lu, posted by Dinah on December 19, 2008, at 22:58:33
In my job as a protective services worker I am charged with assessing harm and risk to children and vulnerable adults. I have to confront perpetrators of abuse and neglect and even adults who are self-neglecting. I have to document my observations and describe individual,the facts and share my judgements with the court. Fortunately, I sometimes I get to use such words as adequate, competent, capable, intelligent, continent, ambulatory, managing well compliant with their medication, safe and many other nice descriptors. Most of the time I describe people as abusive, neglectful, incompetent, dangerous, filthy, molested, confused, malnurished, pathologic, psychotic, dishonest, thieves, and a host of other unpleasantries. In my work when I use I-statements I feel like I am being disingenuous, avoidant and manipulative. When I am not direct and honest with my assessments in courts the judge, attorneys and interested parties treat me like I am incompetent and stupid. And to think they call it a civil proceeding.
Posted by Dinah on December 22, 2008, at 8:29:16
In reply to Re: Praise for the civil phrase » lucie lu, posted by Dinah on December 19, 2008, at 22:58:33
I'm not sure I was clear in how I conveyed this. Tone is difficult in this medium. I was hmmm... not quite laughing at myself since that sounds harsher than my intent, but something along those lines.
My husband teases me that I sound like I swallowed the Montessori parents' manual. And even I have to laugh at our "fights" sometimes.
It wasn't to say how wonderful I am. I have my own share of less than wonderful qualities. Including that I can sound self righteous at times. Even though the reality is that I'm anything but. With scrupulosity, a subset of OCD, the emphasis is usually on how far I've fallen short of the mark, not how well I've hit it.
But I *do* find value in applying the civility guidelines in my own life. At the very least, in relationships where preserving the relationship is a primary goal, with marriage as the most obvious example, keeping things civil minimizes the damage to the long term relationship from short term fights. At best, in speaking in "I" phrases and avoiding statements about the other, more I statements may be forthcoming, defensiveness is lower, and rapprochement and genuine reconciliation is far more likely.
JMHO
Although, to be scrupulous, my opinion is not always very humble.
This is the end of the thread.
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