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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 8 of 8. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by b2chica on December 31, 2014, at 18:59:01
it seems my biggest trouble always comes back to my DH. i really want this marriage to make it... but sometimes i wonder. and i'm scared financially.
however, i also know that its not all him.
part of me wnts to just stop all my meds. ... just stop them all.
as some people on this site i'm sure would be happy to hear that.
but my purpose would not be to become med free. it because i know that it would become so bad that there would be no other option and i would undoubtedly go through with .... the enevitable.im just in a dark place. and the worst thing for me right now is to be around people... my DH has invited about 20 people over tonight. so here i am, hiding behind my bed in the dark typing to what i feel like are the only true friends in the world i have.
so thank you for those that help on this site.
-b
Posted by alexandra_k on December 31, 2014, at 20:00:51
In reply to im tempted to stop..., posted by b2chica on December 31, 2014, at 18:59:01
hey...
sounds like you need some time out. i surely understand that one. i go bonkers when i don't get the alone time that i need. posting is part of alone time for me. the process of working through my writing. the responses that are... ideas. that aren't sensory information in my face or emotional screamings.
does your DH understand that, about the time out?
i just got back from visiting a couple friends. one of them... i've realised... she can't tolerate being by herself. if she is by herself... she'll get frantically stuck into something physical / busywork. but generally... she needs other people around to distract her. to transform her intensity of emotion into something more... comfortable.
i do enjoy her company but i feel exhausted after 4 or 6 hours. need something like a blackened room for her influence to receed and for me to find myself again. for me to get back in touch with how i'm feeling / thinking about things. so i can figure out what i need / work through my stuff. so i don't get sick.
she really doesn't understand that i need time to myself because she really doesn't have that need. and she really isn't able to give me time to myself when she needs me to be attending to her. so... if i don't want to go out and do x or y or z with her because i say i need some time to myself... then she'll decide to do something which involved her bustling about (stomping past me) every few minutes. something in the room i'm staying in. something such that there is no way for me to be on the property and not have her stomping in and out of my line of vision every few minutes. she simply will not be ignored.
is he like that?
my last visit... she really tried. which means a lot to me, honestly. shows me something about how much she really does value my friendship. but i realised she is simply unable to give me what i need. even though there are... so very many people out there... so very many OTHER people... who must be lonely too... who she could surely bug instead of me...
anyway... i'm trying to convey that maybe i understand a little. maybe.
Posted by Tomatheus on December 31, 2014, at 20:26:52
In reply to im tempted to stop..., posted by b2chica on December 31, 2014, at 18:59:01
B2chica,
It's really too bad that you're in such a dark place right now. I know that when I go through what are probably similar dark spells, I don't so much see the point in continuing on with the treatment of my affective psychosis. Sometimes it seems like any kind of change, even something that might lead to disastrous results and/or put my life at risk, would be welcome when my treatments aren't producing results that I would consider to be anywhere close to adequate.
But when I look back on some of the decisions that I've made when things were looking dark for me, I thank myself for the times when I decided to hold back and wait for some time to pass instead of doing something that might put my long-term well being or even my life at risk. I thank myself for the sensible decisions I've made pertaining to my mental health treatment, even when such decisions didn't necessarily produce the best results, because I know that at least for me, sticking it out with the treatment process is my best hope at reclaiming the functionality and vitality that I once had. Sometimes the treatments that we utilize for the treatment of our mental problems don't come anywhere close to living up to our expectations. Sometimes the lack of success we may have with treatment can lead us to question whether the struggles that we're going through are worth enduring. And perhaps even more importantly, the struggles that we go through in our day-to-day lives can seem all the more insurmountable when we're engaged in a fight for the clarity and peace of mind that a lot of people take for granted. Is all the struggling that we go through worth enduring? When I'm in a place that may be similar to the dark place that you're in, the answer to that question seems like it can't be anything other than "no." But usually, we only stay in such "dark places" for so long. And when we do emerge from the darkness that sometimes seems to engulf us, we tend to thank ourselves for the sensible decisions that we make when in a darker state.
It would be my recommendation that whatever you decide to do as far as the pharmacological treatment of your disorder is concerned, do it for yourself and for your own well being (including your long-term well being). I certainly wouldn't recommend deciding what to do medication wise to please somebody else on this site or even to please me. I would advise doing the best thing for yourself and to act in a way that you'll thank yourself for later on. Finally, if you do feel like you need help from a professional, I would urge you to seek out their assistance. While you might find interacting with Psycho-Babble members to be helpful when times are rough, remember that it is those who provide mental health treatment who are best qualified to advise you in a time of crisis.
Please take good care of yourself.
Tomatheus
Posted by Phillipa on December 31, 2014, at 21:50:15
In reply to im tempted to stop..., posted by b2chica on December 31, 2014, at 18:59:01
B2chica, personally I'd like to come over and knock some sense into your husband. How thoughtless to invite people over when he knows you are not doing well. I will think of you and offer what I can in way of support. Phillipa
Posted by SLS on December 31, 2014, at 23:22:52
In reply to im tempted to stop..., posted by b2chica on December 31, 2014, at 18:59:01
What Tomatheus said...
- Scott
Posted by b2chica on January 1, 2015, at 3:57:16
In reply to Re: im tempted to stop... » b2chica, posted by Tomatheus on December 31, 2014, at 20:26:52
Tomatheus.
i thank you. you are correct. as much as i hate to agree right now, i'm not in a place to make large decisions.
even though its about 4 in the morning, i feel just fine now. come aroun 10-11am my mood will be in the tank until about 9 or 10 tomorrow night.as for my professional help. my pdoc is out of the office until jan 6th.
my t cancelled tuesdays appt and rescheduled for next thursday.
i emailed her and strongly asked if anything sooner.i called my pdoc office to see if i could at least Talk with pdoc... there was a nurse. i talked to her today. she wanted me to go to the hospital. unfortunately it is technically now the beginning of the year and have huge deductable to meet first. so i just cant afford it.
but like alexandra k said , i do need some private time. but not too alone...
i'll figure something out. but as for now, im starting to get a little tired so i'm going to try to sleep now.
thankyou all.
i'll try to not be to dark tomorrow if i write.
thank you all
-b
Posted by Tomatheus on January 1, 2015, at 8:40:00
In reply to Re: im tempted to stop..., posted by b2chica on January 1, 2015, at 3:57:16
B2chica,
Thank you for replying to the messages that were posted to your thread, including mine. I think it's encouraging that you were feeling seemingly ok as of early this morning, although I'm sure that it's not pleasant to have your symptoms become predictably worse at certain times of the day. I also think it's good that you talked to a nurse, even though it doesn't sound like she had much to offer in the way of options, other than to go through with a hospital stay that you can't afford. Somehow, I think that you will indeed figure something out. Maybe you need a change in medication, or maybe you need something else, but I think that you'll come up with a plan that will allow you to carry on without ending up in the dark place that you've been finding yourself in over the past few days. I certainly hope that you won't find yourself back in that dark place again today, but if you do, we'll be here to listen and to offer support.
Tomatheus
Posted by b2chica on January 1, 2015, at 15:05:01
In reply to Re: im tempted to stop... » b2chica, posted by Tomatheus on January 1, 2015, at 8:40:00
dear Tomatheus,
...its been a long time since someone has been so nice to me.
i forget what support this site can be.
i thank you.
and i will return.
i am avoiding the feelings now and took some meds so i can sleep. maybe sleep them away till later.
b2c
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