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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 5 of 5. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by kimbersaur on June 28, 2010, at 4:17:47
I'd like some input from people who understand mental illness.
I have really bad contamination OCD. To me the ultimate source of contamination is vomit. I spend every waking moment obsessing about the possibility that perhaps the person who sat in the chair before me recently vomited, etc. When someone I know vomits they are pretty much banished from my life (I know it sounds bad and I feel awful about it). This phobia of vomit has kind of spread to a phobia of places of public transportation, places where sick people spend time, and especially places where drinking takes place.
Anyway, I got engaged about a year ago. The wedding is in August. Knowing how hard it would be and how bad my OCD was getting I started Pristiq and have had massive improvement, but not nearly as much as I hoped. When we got engaged the topic of a bachelor party came up. I know and my fiancee knows that if someone threw up at my fiancees bachelor party the week before my wedding, my wedding would be basically ruined for me because all my guests including my boyfriend - who lives in my house - would be contaminated. It is bad enough knowing that many of my guests will be flying here for the wedding and therefore in an airport which is a "high risk" area because people get airsick.
I don't want to be a controlling girlfriend but I told my fiancee that I couldn't handle him and his friends going on some some epic binge drinking extravaganza, even though they see it as some sort of "rite of passage" ritual. We fought, discussed it on end, and finally agreed that he would fly out to where his friends live months before the wedding and have the party there in another state at a different point in time than the wedding (an idea that still terrified me but didn't directly threaten the wedding).
Now, it is 40 days before the wedding and he tells me that one of his best friends can't do the party until 4 days before the wedding and therefore they will have to do it here in town less than a week before the wedding, and they are going to be going from bar to bar drinking (bars are another "high risk" area and drunk people absolutely terrify me). And now he refuses to even discuss it with me.
I don't know what to do. Normally we have excellent communication. We pretty much never have significant disagreements. Am I in the wrong for putting up a fight against him having a bachelor party with drinking? I really don't want to ruin things for him and his friends, I really don't want to be selfish, but I feel like this wedding is my day too. I will only get married once and if the whole thing is ruined because I'm having a mental breakdown over contamination then all of that money and planning and excitement will be a waste. But at the same time, I feel like I don't have the right to deny my fiancee the party, and I can tell he feels strongly about the matter, and I feel guilty all the time about how much my OCD inconveniences him on a daily basis. I don't want his friends to hate me and I don't want my OCD to dictate his life, but just the thought of their plans gets my anxiety and obsessing going.
Any advice?
Posted by Dinah on June 28, 2010, at 10:14:31
In reply to need advice on OCD and a relationship problem, posted by kimbersaur on June 28, 2010, at 4:17:47
I am also an emetophobe, so perhaps what I say should be read with that in mind. I have many of the same fears you do, and also find my life constricted by my fear.
How old is your boyfriend? Honestly, someone who finds a drunken bachelor party important enough to do this to their fiancee doesn't sound very mature, in terms of getting married. My husband asked for a bachelor party that didn't include getting drunk, and his friends were all old enough and steady enough to actually be glad of that. Of course, getting drunk for the sake of it was something my husband may have done once or twice to try it out, but never particularly enjoyed.
That being said, part of the discussion my husband and I had before we married was about my emetophobia and whether I was ready for marriage. People in marriages throw up. If you have kids, they'll throw up a lot. My husband never goes out to get drunk, but he was very clear that we weren't going to be married until I felt I could control my emetophobia enough to promise to be with him in *sickness* and health.
I do my best, which sometimes isn't actually good enough. My fears are different from yours, in that they aren't really about germs. But there are still areas of the house I avoid because I consider them contaminated with vomit. My husband agreed to never use our bathroom when he's sick. And I'm not so good at being with him while he's sick. I try to stay supportive from a distance, but sometimes I run. I try to be supportive for my son when he's sick. When he was little, it was easier.
I really need to work on those things because there's every chance that one day he or my son is going to need me when he's vomiting, and it's my responsibility to be there when he does. I'm currently looking into treatment alternatives.
So my thought is that both of you need to do some deciding about priorities. Love isn't enough for marriage. You also need to make the decision to do what's best for each other and the relationship.
I don't understand your fiance's need to drink till he barfs, given the distress it causes you. My only charitable thought about that is that perhaps he's testing whether he can count on you to be there when he's sick.
And you need to decide if you are willing to do what you need to do in order to be there for him when he needs you. Not because he decided to get drunk of course. But when he's genuinely ill.
I'm sorry if I'm being overly opinionated on this topic. It's one that has come up in my own relationship, something that I still struggle with, and something I feel very strongly about.
Might I suggest a website?
Posted by europerep on June 28, 2010, at 13:56:21
In reply to need advice on OCD and a relationship problem, posted by kimbersaur on June 28, 2010, at 4:17:47
hey there..
I am very short in time right now so I just want to add a quick comment. I didn't know about this special form of OCD, and I can imagine that this is quite difficult to deal with. Sometimes it happens to me in public transportation that I think like "hmm, I do not want to know how this bus/tram metro looked like after it was used during the night-hours to bring partygoers home", but I forget it after a second.. anyway, what I wanted so say:> Now, it is 40 days before the wedding and he tells me that one of his best friends can't do the party until 4 days before the wedding [...] And now he refuses to even discuss it with me.
>seriously, this whole thing because of one guy? ok, one of his best friends, but still... can't he go visit him afterwards (favorably at a time where there's another flu crisis so you could be sure he'll be properly disinfected at the airport upon return ;-) just kidding..) to have a few beers, or get drunk? I cannot drink due to meds, and I do feel how much I'd like to have this, I mean, it's what everybody does at this age, but..whatever.. or is the idea behind a "bachelor party" sort of to never get drunk again? I don't know, maybe I'm too much on your side because I'm male, but it is true it's your wedding too..
unfortunately I cannot really give advice on how to solve the problem.. there are some points dinah made that are true though..
Posted by bleauberry on June 28, 2010, at 17:50:15
In reply to need advice on OCD and a relationship problem, posted by kimbersaur on June 28, 2010, at 4:17:47
I think if there is that much conflict before the marriage, I would hate to see what it is like after. This isn't about OCD. This is about two people committing to a lifetime, where at least one of them is already showing resistance. Not a good sign at all.
Posted by desolationrower on June 30, 2010, at 16:50:30
In reply to Re: need advice on OCD and a relationship problem, posted by bleauberry on June 28, 2010, at 17:50:15
do you think 'controlling' the possibility of contamination is possible?
-d/r
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