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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 12 of 12. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Quintal on August 21, 2007, at 11:10:28
Fred, (Phillipa et al if you're reading) pull yourselves back up on your seats, wipe coffee off screen, tuck head between legs and breathe deeply if necessary. I took 0.25mg Xanax (generic alprazolam to be precise) last night. Just slowed me down, didn't help me sleep as such. Just staring at the ceiling with an empty head, no thoughts at all. Complete stillness. A relief, but no euphoria at all. I was tempted to get out of bed and finish off the rest of the 1mg tablet but took 3mg melatonin instead. That worked an I nodded off to a strange dream-land after a few minutes.
Today my mind is running like treacle. Feel stoned and a little 'down'. It's been 15 hours since I took it. Alprazolam has a half-life of 6-12hrs, so wtf is going on? In the past when I took Xanax I felt nothing at all except in *huge* doses, 6mg at least. Now all this from a measly 0.25mg. I don't want to take it again. I just hope my mental sharpness comes back. I value my intellect and can't stand living like this. Would like to leave the anxiety behind for sure, but have a feeling they are part and parcel. I'm a little worried my receptors my have become locked/unlocked into some weird configuration that boosted my mental functioning when I quit benzos last time, and now taking a small dose has reversed all that. I've drunk a strong cup of Nescafe Gold Blend to no avail. Just hope this wears off soon.
Q
Posted by Quintal on August 21, 2007, at 15:01:32
In reply to I'm on Xanax, posted by Quintal on August 21, 2007, at 11:10:28
It's starting to wear off. I feel much better about that. I just noticed I haven't taken any codeine today! So that's one addiction cured at least. Shame I feel quite tempted to take another Xanax.
In the words of a man far wiser than I:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
'Cos every time I go to try to leave,
Somethin' keeps pullin on my sleeve,
I don't wanna but I gotta stay,
These drugs really gotta hold on me.
Cause everytime I try ta tell 'em no,
They won't let me ever let 'em go,
I'm a sucker all I gotta say,
These drug's really gotta hold on me.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hXItmGNFG9w
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Q
Posted by Meri-Tuuli on August 22, 2007, at 9:24:16
In reply to Re: I'm on Xanax, posted by Quintal on August 21, 2007, at 15:01:32
Well I think you're just more attuned to the numbing effects of benzos now. Perhaps more sensitive until you've built up a tolerance to the side effects. You know what I mean.
What drug was eminem addicted to? (or still is)? I have to say, I do think he's quite talented.
Meri
Posted by Quintal on August 22, 2007, at 12:28:51
In reply to Re: I'm on Xanax, posted by Meri-Tuuli on August 22, 2007, at 9:24:16
Yeah, I think I'm more aware that this feeling of carefree abandon is an illusion now. When I first took benzos it seemed as though a whole world had opened up to me, but not any more. I know it's a dead-end, albeit a highly fragrant and rose-tinted one. I took another 0.25mg last night, as my dad forgot to leave me the money to take into town yesterday, so I was supposed to go again today, but he forgot again. I got into bed and stared at the ceiling again, same as last night, no thoughts, just an empty head. Irritatingly, I seemed a little more alert for having taken it and couldn't get to sleep, so after an hour I got out of bed and took the rest of the tablet, 0.5mg, making last night's dose 0.75mg in total. So there we have it, dose escalation on the second night.
This is more or less what happened when I first started benzos, except the doctor that gave me my first script for lorazepam was off sick the next month, and I had to see another doctor to get a repeat. She reduced my dose from 4mg lorazepam to 4mg diazepam, probably thinking I wouldn't know the equivalences. Of course I felt no benefit from 4mg diazepam having adjusted to taking 4mg lorazepam (equivalent to 40mg diazepam); my anxiety came back with a vengeance and I started to get mild withdrawal symptoms. That's when the lying and deceiving and hoarding behaviors set in, partly in response to the lies and deception on the part of my doctor. Meet fire with fire was my policy - I made my next appointment with the doctor that gave me the first prescription, asked her to re-instate my lorazepam, and she did. That caused quite a bit of upheaval in the practice and between me and the doctors. And it all went from there.
I think Eminem was addicted to Vicodin, though he's probably taken everything under the sun by the sounds of it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZXFcESaA8rE&mode=related&search=I bought his album last year and listened to it all summer. I never really paid much attention to him at the height of his fame, felt quite a bit of antipathy towards him in fact, but listening to some of his songs, like the two below, and looking beyond the overt homophobia and sexism I think I understand him better. You know? Different times, different places. What's the chances of me being like him, and he, me if we switched?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OJjtEG5ARK0
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ov1hXfzR7BkQ
Posted by Quintal on August 22, 2007, at 17:00:46
In reply to Re: I'm on Xanax, posted by Meri-Tuuli on August 22, 2007, at 9:24:16
It's worn off. Every time it wears off I feel a sense of relief - I get my brain back again, not so much my reasoning powers, but awareness of what's going on around me. I feel sort of blinkered while I'm under the influence.
Anyway, I realize I just 'replied' to a question you didn't ask in the first part of my post, just went off on a tangent said whatever was going through my mind, although I have a tendency to do that anyway.
Yeah, I'm more aware of the numbing effect benzos have on me. When I first started them I was young, and I thought it was funny that I'd keep forgetting what I was saying and doing, and where I'd been. I was just so grateful to have something that worked. But now I'm older and I've been down that path before, and know where it leads; just more confusion, outbursts, embarrassment, and more anxiety in the long run.
I'll try and keep the tablets for 'emergency use', or to break a cycle of anxiety or insomnia. I don't know how successful this will be though. If I find I keep on taking them every few days I'm going to flush them down the toilet. I've been there before and it was just a waste of my life. I'm not going back after I've come this far.
Q
Posted by Meri-Tuuli on August 23, 2007, at 12:49:08
In reply to Re: I'm on Xanax, posted by Quintal on August 22, 2007, at 17:00:46
Hey!
Well that sounds very sensible...and if you don't you'll have me to reckon with!
Yes, thats what I thought about Mr Mathers too. I quite like some of his songs. I wasn't keen on 'Slim Shady' but some of the recent stuff like the one which is totally anti-iraq was good, as was the one for his movie......
Anyhoo.
Posted by Quintal on August 23, 2007, at 19:06:27
In reply to Re: I'm on Xanax, posted by Meri-Tuuli on August 23, 2007, at 12:49:08
>Well that sounds very sensible...and if you don't you'll have me to reckon with!
Oooh eeehh Mistress Meri!!! Honestly, today I haven't taken anything - no codeine, alprazolam, anything psychoactive at all, and I feel fine. I think the benzos have helped me break that final string hanging on from my codeine habit. So I have an opportunity. Will I take it? I hope so. I have to take my dad shopping for something tomorrow, and that's always stressful, for a number of reasons. So tomorrow will be the test of my mettle. If I can make it through that without relapsing I can handle anything.
>Yes, thats what I thought about Mr Mathers too. I quite like some of his songs. I wasn't keen on 'Slim Shady' but some of the recent stuff like the one which is totally anti-iraq was good, as was the one for his movie......
I haven't seen any of his new material! I will look and see. I was just listening to this old track, Sing For The Moment, and thinking how very apt it was.
Today my dad stood on the dog as he was closing the door to leave. I heard the dog scream, then him bellow "Shut-the-f*ck-up!", and by the sounds of it <yelp>, kicked her out of his way. It made me so angry. He does something like this nearly every day. But I thought, yeah, dad, that's you down to T.
I'd almost forgotten about this, but my mother once told me that when he used to be left alone to bath me, he would rinse the shampoo out of my hair by holding me by the ankles and plunging my head under the bath water until I'd start to panic and choke. Apparently I was terrified of it, and I used to tell my mother, but he always denied it, except one day she waited in the bedroom, listening, and she caught him doing it. I don't remember a thing about this, so it could just be something she made up to try and poison me against him, but that sound like something he'd do, and I know I had a phobia of water until I was about eight - well that would explain it eh?! I mean, no wonder we're so f*cked up! I much prefer the company of animals to human beings. And I hope my dad gets bitten one day.
You know, I think rap is one of the few mediums that can express all that pent up anger and frustration, and aggression, that mistreated people feel. Nothing ever came close until I listened, really listened, to Eminem.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It's why we sing for these kids that don't have a thing
Except for a dream and a f*cking rap magazine
Who post pinup pictures on their walls all day long
Idolise their favourite rappers and know all they songs
Or for anyone who's ever been through sh*t in they lives
So they sit and they cry at night, wishing they die
Till they throw on a rap record, and they sit and they vibe
We're nothing to you, but we're the fuckin' sh*t in their eyes
That's why we sieze the moment, and try to freeze it and own it
Squeeze it and hold it, 'cos we consider these minutes golden
And maybe they'll admit it when we're gone
Just let our spirits live on, through out lyrics that you hear in our songs
And we can[Chorus:]
Sing with me, sing for the year
Sing for the laughter, sing for the tear
Sing with me, just for today
Maybe tomorrow, the good Lord will take you away.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=12wvV39aFc4
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Q
Posted by cactus on August 25, 2007, at 23:28:18
In reply to Re: I'm on Xanax » Meri-Tuuli, posted by Quintal on August 23, 2007, at 19:06:27
hey Q I have taken heaps and I mean heaps of different benzo's and xanax was the most addictive and hardest to come off. Be careful my friend, it's a dangerous path which I don't need to tell you about. I have been on and off them for years. Now I'm back on rivotril and mogadon, how did this happen to me again? Panic, depression and insomnia came back to haunt me. Just keep on doing what you're doing and flush em if it starts getting out of control, but don't forget to taper. Cheers!!
Posted by Quintal on August 26, 2007, at 1:22:02
In reply to Re: I'm on Xanax » Quintal, posted by cactus on August 25, 2007, at 23:28:18
I'm a bit of a benzo connoisseur too cactus, I count estazolam, bromazepam and the infamous Halcion and Rohypnol as some of my more exotic conquests. I never liked Xanax for some reason. When I was dependent on more sedating benzos I felt hardly any effect from Xanax except in huge doses, so it never really appealed to me. I haven't taken any more since Wednesday night, and I don't want to either. I hated that stoned feeling, and it didn't help me sleep at all, just emptied my head of thoughts. So on the whole I don't think abuse will be a problem this time. I've cut right down on codeine too, since I can't take ibuprofen (in Nurofen Plus) any more.
Q
Posted by existentialist on August 28, 2007, at 1:18:22
In reply to Re: I'm on Xanax » cactus, posted by Quintal on August 26, 2007, at 1:22:02
Hi, what are prosom and halcion like? I have restoril and don't like it. It makes me feel disabled at night, and hopeless, and powerless (because it steals my cognitive abilities) to think of solutions for my life. Halcion is the one that interests me the most.
I need something that just puts me out. I was on ambien for 2 years and I feel it's 'spoiled' me as far as sleep meds go. Nothing else knocks me out like it. I'd disolve it under my tounge and feel it within 5 minutes and fully in 10. I crave the taste and comfort of sucking on of them. I'm actually getting more september 7. A doc made the mistake of giving me 45 and I blew thorugh them in 25 days. Then i can't get more until 45 days because the max daily dose is 10mg. I'm going nuts without it.
Posted by existentialist on August 28, 2007, at 1:35:00
In reply to Re: I'm on Xanax, posted by existentialist on August 28, 2007, at 1:18:22
Actually to elaborate a bit. With the ambien it was like instant comfort. I found it more mentally comforting than any other substance I've ever tried. I had assumed, because ambien was doled out to me like candy, that a real benzo which was not easy at all to get would be better.
I don't even have anxiety issues so much as feeling fear but just a state of discomfort and existensial anxiety (hence my nick) which is the worst at night for me. Been this way all my life, lying awake, a sense of forboding, insecurity, regrets over my life, powerless lying in bed I feel like a prisoner in my mind. I can't chill out and relax... ever. Pot or ambien is it for me. And a note on the drinking. When I used to drink socially in my college days I'd have to stay up hours after the night ended at 2AM because my mind speeds out of control worse than normal if I've been drinking.
I dread getting into bed each night.
Posted by Quintal on August 28, 2007, at 2:42:05
In reply to Re: I'm on Xanax, posted by existentialist on August 28, 2007, at 1:18:22
I took a generic brand of estazolam called Esligan:
http://i125.photobucket.com/albums/p46/Serepham/Picture2717.jpgIt was much like any other benzo really. Quite gentle and mild I think. Halcion was similar to Ambien, except with Ambien I sometimes had hallucinations if I stayed awake after taking a dose. Ambien was one of the few sleep meds that actually worked for me over the longer term.
Q
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