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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 10 of 10. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Soraheart on May 30, 2004, at 1:42:54
Hi. I've been on numerous anti-depressants for about a year (though it seems so much longer). First, when I was "diagnosed with depression" a year ago in April (or march) they put me on Lexapro and Prozac. It didnae help. I had been on Xanax since freshman highschool year (2000), and am still on. I got switched from Lexapro to Zyprexa and still Prozac. They took me off those, and I was on Mirtazapine (remeron) and buspirone (buspar). Since then, they put me on increasing amounts of Effexor, Buspar, Remeron, and of course, delicious, mind-soothing, nerve-dulling, sweat-reducing XANAX (alprazolam). Well mates, its been quite a while. I fucking hate these drugs, I fucking hate my head, I fucking hate my life. I graduated on fri. may 28th, so I am now an 18 year old american citizen to fend for himself. Fuckin pigs everywhere, keepin a fuckin eye on you all the time. I been everywhere I could possibly take my psyche. Paired with an intense moral-fiber, I was once a very torn-apart boy looking for some fucking relief. I stole road signs, cut my arms, drank my own blood, shoplifted over $300 worth of shit (video games, comic books), as well as stealing massive amounts of Dramamine and robitussin from local supermarkets. There was even a thing on the news about the rising crime in dramamine and "robo", how this was a problem in the past. And they didnae even know it was just me and my friend Dave. Just two of us, stealing shitloads of drugs from markets. and they didnae even know. Since then, I had numerous mental breakdowns, and I realized "I'm too fucking old for this shite" and that these drugs were keeping me secluded in my dark basement area, where Dave and I would drink large amounts of alcohol to drown our "heavy" problems. I'm so fucking tired of feeling sorry for myself. But, I have a problem: I'm fucking depressed. God oh God how I wish I wasn't this way. the reason of this post is, I sometimes forget to take my medicine (it's like a million pills in the morning, and then in the evening) and sometimes I stay up all night. Fatigue+absence of drug in system= very scared, sweaty but freezing, screaming and crying, skin crawling, head bursting, brain shocking, eye-twitching, and of course the worst, "flapping" sounds in my ears, boy. When I don't have those drugs in my system....
I am bloody-well fucked.
Even right now, my head is GAAAAAAAHHHHHH I can't take it you know? I stayed up all night with my girlfriend, and I drove home at 6, took my medicine, and passed out until 3 pm, got up, took my next set of pills, and felt like shite rest of the day. Pills don;'t even help. Maybe I need sleep. I haven't drunk in months, and tonight I realized I needed to get drunk off of my ass and pass out on the floor cauze if I didn't, I'd end up hurting myself incredibly bad. Don't know why.
But.
When I don't have these drugs. I get very cold, so fuckin cold, even when I have mounds of clothes on.. The chills, you know? I sweat like crazy but I'm freezin. My nerves, some of them go numb, some of them hurt, some are trying to get the hell out of my skin. I can't close my eyes cause a million random images started flashing through. I can't focus on anything too long because then my head starts screaming, and the worst part, oh God, is the sounds. I just start crying and screaming and yelling for mercy you know? I hear "flapping", like my brain is flucuating, any constant sound drives me insane, completely fucking bonkers. Taking a shower this morning I was scared shiteless, screaming and crying like a little boy again. I didn't know what to do. It's like every thing in my head is fucking pounding and laughing and screeching and fucked up so bad I can't do anything but yell and cry and swear and take XANAX and drink massive amounts of Water, yeah, thats right, water. that soothes me, puts me down for a few. I don't want to sleep, I don't want to take drugs, I don't want to drink, I don't want to bleed, I don't want to live, I don't want to cry, I don't want to love, but I do anyway, you know? I attribute nothing but good things to my severely lacking, but altogether firm belief in Christ, and that He'll someday fix my body. But he won't, I know. Scars, ruptured finger tendon (weeks ago, I was at a friend's, didn't sleep, didn't take my medicine till late, and went home with the idea of sleeping, well, turns out that the street signs stolen by yours truly and friend Mark were *my* token of shame, and first thing walking in the door my older brother of 11 years [I got three of them, all older, youngest by 7, oldest by 13] cusses me out for being a stupid, irresponsible, immature, cocky, kid, and when I "land my ass in jail", hoo boy, I better not be calling him cause he won't give a fuck. Well brother dearest was lucky I didn't fucking rip his eyes out, because instead of yelling, or hitting him, I went outside and punched a small window pane in my garage [something I had grown very accustomed to doing after hard workdays and school] and this time, ladies and gents, the glass went deep into my left index finger, cut through the tendon, and hit the joint bone. Screaming and crying, bleeding and slobbering all over myself in my kitchen, my parents took me to the er, they stitched me up, now I'm in a cast for 4 more weeks. But I didn't pity myself, no, only people I thought of in that Er was my brother and how I didn't want him feeling guilty, and my friend Kelly who I should confess I love more than masturbation and drugs, but I haven't got the gumption to even fess up to myself [stupid fuck eh?] sorry for that interlude. and for the swear words.) he just won't. Why wont' he? I don't know really. But no one understands. no one knows the horrors my fuycking mind goes through, and the fucking horrible HORRIBLE FUCKIN FEELING OF WITHDRAWAL. GOD i wish someone could say "I know what those flap sounds are, I know what the chills are, the nerves going numb, and your intense need to cry cry cry cry and cry and cry some more until you fall asleep, or pass out, either one. God I feel like crying right now, and I am going to. Don't be afraid to cry, really, it helps, better than cutting, drinking, or hitting yourself to death.
Well maybe some of you know the horror of prescription-drug withdrawal. Can't stand it. I really can't. Oh an I fuckin hate ma parents, and ma family. Only friends now are my shrink, and he ain't that great of a person either. And Kelly and Marc, and Jesse maybe, and maybe JJ, but then again no,. Iam veyr alone, cept for Jesus sitting next to me most of the time. I fuckin hate my job and the stupid doss asshole managers that keep calling me asking when I;'ll be back from my leave (finger injury you know) and they still don;'t have the slightest fucking clue that I am depressed more than anything in the world.
So, I don't know
Maybe someone coukld post a reply, telling me that they knew what the flapping sounds were, and the scary crying and shite. But I gotta go take my medicine right now. And cry and cry in my basement, yearning for Kelly to come and pet my head until I fall asleep like a baby. I'm a pitiful mess. I just hope I can keep living before I really do soemthing stupid. Keep living through this so I can live again, here on earth, someday. But this depression is shite. so are the drugs. fuckin therapists.
pardon the cussing,
Soraheart
Posted by shadows721 on May 30, 2004, at 20:15:08
In reply to withdrawal. *severe use of F-word* plz read, reply, posted by Soraheart on May 30, 2004, at 1:42:54
If you started having the flapping noices from the withdrawal, I feel that this is a sign the withdrawal process is going to fast. You may need to add another med to help this process not be so painful.
Posted by KindGirl on May 30, 2004, at 22:15:22
In reply to withdrawal. *severe use of F-word* plz read, reply, posted by Soraheart on May 30, 2004, at 1:42:54
Thank you for writing. That took an incredible amount of energy, not to mention humility and courage to be that honest. You are a courageous and beautiful person! You are in a lot of pain, and my heart goes out to you...I am so sorry you are in such agony.
I don't know about the flapping noises. I just wanted to write and tell you I read your post and am so sad with you and for you.
Like you, I believe in Christ, and I know that there are times when Jesus is probably the only person around even though I can't feel him or see him. If he was really here, wouldn't he help me? Wouldn't he stop the pain? It is so confusing.
I am glad you are hanging in there. I will say a prayer for you tonight. It really sucks and I do believe if you hang in there it will get better or at least not hurt so bad constantly. That is what I tell myself.
Can you talk to an MD about the noises in your head? You gotta tell someone. I am glad you have your friends, esp Kelly. Bless you tonight.
Posted by harryp on May 30, 2004, at 23:10:08
In reply to withdrawal. *severe use of F-word* plz read, reply, posted by Soraheart on May 30, 2004, at 1:42:54
Your situation sounds incredibly horrible.
Basically, I have a short answer--you've got to detox, and get your meds (if you even want any after this experience!) straight.
I'd check into any kind of detox facility, or go to the ER and demand to talk to the attending psychiatrist, if your own doctor won't help.
Everything you're taking can cause messed-up emotional symptoms, especially in combination, and there's no way to guess what's causing what until you have the stuff out of your system.
You definitely need to be in a safe environment. As you know, coming off this stuff is no fun, and you need some sort of medical supervision. If your current doctor is the one that put you on increasing amounts of Xanax, you might want to get a different one.
I've seen some people in your situation, and I know it's deadly serious. Please, get yourself to an ER or detox program. The fact that your drugs are "legal" doesn't make them any less dangerous or hard to get off of.
Posted by MaxxedOut on May 31, 2004, at 0:07:24
In reply to withdrawal. *severe use of F-word* plz read, reply, posted by Soraheart on May 30, 2004, at 1:42:54
Please get to a hospital. I know that you have been suffering probably all your life with depression but I am just so outraged by all the meds your physicians have prescribed. You are so young and somehow you got through school (despite your problems) that tells me that you really care about yourself and want answers so that you can live your life happily. I came to this site because I have been going through terrible Paxil withdrawals despite the fact that my doctor denies that my symptoms are from the paxil. I have spent the entire day online looking for answers and then I came across a website that may help you.http://www.paxil-side-effects-lawsuits.com
A few of the meds you have been on are from the same family as paxil.
My symptoms are a mile long including thoughts that I could die. I am much much older than you and come from a generation of experimental drugs and have never dealt with anything like this crap can do to a person. Please know that you are not alone. I prayed to god last night for answers to my problem and the lord brought me to this site among 20 or 30 more. I was meant to write this and you were meant to read it. Please please find a doctor who will listen to you. If they don't listen go to the website I provided above and talk to a lawyer online and see if they may have an answer for you. Please let us know what happens Ok? You are cared about and many of us are going through similar things ( though maybe not as intense as your's) You have a future, please don't give up.
Posted by Racer on May 31, 2004, at 9:53:44
In reply to withdrawal. *severe use of F-word* plz read, reply, posted by Soraheart on May 30, 2004, at 1:43:15
I'm so sorry you're in such pain. I'd say, as an entry in the understatement award catagory, that you're not being appropriately medicated. Like you didn't know that, eh? Here's something you probably don't know, though: when you find the right med or med combo, it really does turn your life around. No more crying all the time, and no more of the uncontrollable outbursts. At least, that's how it worked for me, way back when I was appropriately medicated. All of a sudden, it opened up avenues I hadn't been able to see before. I hope that that will happen for you, too, and soon.
From what you've written, I've got a few ideas to offer up, but I know that you won't like the first one. Xanax can worsen depression. Believe me, I understand more completely than you can know about not wanting to give up something that feels like a lifeline, and I carefully hoard and ration my own Xanax so that it's there when I need it. On the other hand, I'm middle aged, which means that I'm looking backwards as much as forwards in my life. I also don't have a standing order for it anymore, so I have to make it last when I get it. So, my first advice is to talk to your doctor about getting you off Xanax, and onto something that addresses the problem rather than the symptom.
My second line of reasoning is much, much harder still. Help educate your family about depression. Again, believe me when I tell you that I *know* how impossible that is. Your brother's comments make me think you're in an unsupportive family environment, which is contributing a lot to your distress. (Another entry in the understatement catagory, huh?) Don't try to sit down and tell them what depression is, that's way too stressful and likely to cause more harm than good. Print out some good articles from NIMH or Mayo or one of those organizations for your family to read. Do tell them that it would help you a lot if they could try to educate themselves about what you're going through so that they can be more supportive, and offer to answer any questions about how it is for you once they've done so. They may not do it, of course, but if they do it will probably help you.
As much as possible, try to sleep in the dark and be awake during the day. I know it's hard, but it makes such a difference. Even if you have to live through a few days of hell to get there, go to bed before midnight and get up by about 7. Try it for two weeks and see how it works for you. It really makes a difference for me.
You didn't mention psychotherapy in your list. Are you seeing a good, trusted therapist? If not, that's way up there on the list, believe me. Even if therapy doesn't 'fix' anything, it will give you a safer outlet for some of your overwhelming despair.
I get a weird sound in my ears, too, sometimes. Flapping is not the first description I would think of, but it does describe it. I think, from other signs at the same time, it's from blood flow near the ears. The pulsations are the beating of my heart. Yeah, it's distracting at times, but once I figured out what it was, it didn't bother me much. (Mind you, my blood pressure is low, so that may make it less bothersome for me.) I hope that helps a little.
Listen, I am a lot older than you are, but I remember being your age and feeling very much the way you describe. In those days, there weren't a lot of medication options available, so I was on my own through it. It was sheer hell, and I wonder now how and why I survived. If I could do something for the teenage me, I would FORCE her to get effective and appropriate treatment. I hope you'll keep trying, and i hope you'll find either a doctor who'll treat you more aggressively or find that your doctor will do more for you now.
Best luck.
Posted by Dr. Bob on May 31, 2004, at 13:41:59
In reply to withdrawal. *severe use of F-word* plz read, reply, posted by Soraheart on May 30, 2004, at 1:42:54
> I f[*]cking hate these drugs, I f[*]cking hate my head, I f[*]cking hate my life...
I'm sorry you're in pain, and thanks for the warning in the subject line, but please don't use language that could offend others.
If you have any questions or comments about this or about posting policies in general, or are interested in alternative ways of expressing yourself, please see the FAQ:
http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/faq.html#civil
or redirect a follow-up to Psycho-Babble Administration.
Thanks,
Bob
Posted by soraheart on June 1, 2004, at 22:03:53
In reply to Re: please be civil » Soraheart, posted by Dr. Bob on May 31, 2004, at 13:41:59
Aye, let me tell you, when I read all the replied posts, I felt very much assured that I could kill the beasht, if not, suppress it enough to live happily, or if not happily, atleast contently.
I wish though that you would not feel sorry for me, well I mean, don't let it affect you in anyway but good ways. I may get terribly low sometimes, and the other night I spilled many a thought and feeling into a post, but really that was one of my worse nights, not the worst, definately not the best. But I am very nervous and afraid for those who read my story and are saddened by it. I know I'm gonna live, and without medicines, and without a therapist.
(by the way, I do have a therapist, been seeing him for about a year, but our conversations dwindle nowadays, and turn into trifle things, and wasting $100 of my parents' money a week. Well, he helps to talk to, but....don't know if 100 is worth it. But yeah he is a valuable "friend.")
I've been thinking about coming clean for a while, but to tell you the truth, it scares the white out of my eyes to think of what I'll have to endure with the withdrawal. But I say I want to stay in a room for however long it takes and detox myself. No detox clinic, no take-me-down medicines, no, just cold turkey. Aye, it will be horrible, and my brother (who is a psychiatrist) has informed me that stopping xanax cold could kill you, give you seizures and everything (well they never explained that to me before), so first, I'd have to consult my physician friends about quitting before I do, obviously.
My family is a good family, lets not have any fights over that, but yeah, their spectrum of life and its beauties is skewed, and to say "skewed" is to say "incredibly limited to the mundane, with some spiritual departures and journies."
Thank you for your prayers, I'll have to think about those tonight when I go running, and when I have my own prayers to say. I don't think God is out to get me at all, but when I do do something wrong, He likes to get me back somehow. So I figure, stop doing the wrong thing, start doing the right. And no, the problems that appear due to reprecussions are not things you can foresee, and definately not things you'd like to deal with. That's my belief on the whole thing. Otherwise, God wants me to be me, but he doesn't want to see me grind myself into a hole again. Of course, no one is perfect, esp. me, but small mistakes are very.....small.....in the long run.
So thank you for your prayers, I am more than grateful.
Some thoughts
1. Don't deny help, ever.
2. Don't lie about anything, especially don't lie to yourself.
3. Question anything you want to question.
4. Settle for *your* personal best, not someone else's.
5. Don't think too much, but don't act like a grade-A moron (don't act rashly).
6. Be mindful of other people, always. Be careful of other people, always. Be humble of other people, always. Be yourself, always. Change when needed.
7. Accept change. It's crazy huh? Well...
8. Don't let *anything* become an addiction. But, don't let not letting anything become an addiction become an addiction either....keep that one in mind.
9. Just don't be mean, and try not to swear.
10. Love yourself cause you're a ducky lad or lass, and you're better than you think.
11. Don't be hateful.
12. Don't be a stupid, one-sided, close-minded individual. There is no one on earth who doesn't hate that. Even stupid, one-sided, close-minded individuals.
13. Be an individual! Plus some other individuals, become multiples!
14. Remember we're all God's babies.
15. Don't read long lists about self-help crap thinking that the momentary elation means you've found the right answers. Maybe you have, maybe you've haven't, but you've just got to try. You have to find your own way, even if it means you are doing something similar to someone else. Find your own reasons to be happy, and don't wallow in sorrow, and don't revel in joy too much, just live.
16. Don't take my word for anything, except what I just said.
17. You could be a scholar too.
18. Play video games.
Anyways, there it is. Oh yeah.
19. exercise, anyway you can, as much as you can, DO IT! it is the "drug" of choice, really.
and I guess I'll put a #20 here.
#20. Ninja Turtles, I like.
Oh yes, Doctor Bob, I apologize for the expletives. I didn't quite appreciate the quoting of myself in your post, made me feel kind of stupid, but I know what you mean. I don't want anyone to be offended, so I'll keep that in mind in the future. Sorry about it, but I already swore and wrote those things, but I won't anymore. We're all happy mateys.
Don't give up on anything, especially depression. It can rule you, or you can rule yourself, its your choice. If you need people to help you be strong, let them help you. But always know that at some point, you will be alone, and you've got to push harder than you have before, put everything into it, come out on the other side. But really, you're not alone, right? Cause you've got guardian angels and saints, and God and Jesus around you and in you all the time. Be happy about that. If you aren't a Christian, realize your own religious truths. I'd be glad to help out some other people. Thanks for your help, your replies and everything, but now take care of yourself.Don't worry about me, worry about you.
Posted by Dr. Bob on June 1, 2004, at 23:28:01
In reply to aye, posted by soraheart on June 1, 2004, at 22:03:53
Posted by fayeroe on June 3, 2004, at 18:35:19
In reply to aye, posted by soraheart on June 1, 2004, at 22:03:53
I am not seeped with pity for you because I was 18 one time myself and remember it well. But I emphasize with you and offer support to you now and whenever you need it. I also am so impressed that so many people came forward, after your initial post, and supported you. You're one lucky bloke to land here! :-)Pat
This is the end of the thread.
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