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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 6 of 6. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by octiigon on November 13, 2003, at 6:08:03
After reading one of the earlier posts.... They mentioned a feeling that is somewhat related to having your heart broken. I had that for years..... But I finally found a way to escape.
It's easier to explain the reasons why aka factors contributing to my conditions.
1. I saw my mother abused from the ages 0-4. Also was verbally abused at this time.
2. My confused father had a leash around my neck, and would continuously emotionally, mentally, and ocassionally physically abuse me when I tried to stray.
3. I was abused for a year and a half (on a continual basis) physically and emotionally by my step-father.
4. My heart was basically completely shattered after having a near-marital relationship with someone who has Borderline Personality Disorder. It wasn't fun having everything turned back towards you- and almost landed me in a mental ward.
I eventually hit a "breaking point" where I was sick of feeling like I did. After several suicide attempts... and a couple of years of being a lab rat to ssri's, panic disorder med's, etc, I decided to get better or end up in a mental institution the rest of my life, I was to that point. I was becoming more Catatonic by the day, hours seemed to pass by like seconds. The only thing that seemed to make me realize what was happening was when my parents told me the way I was behaving.
I then realized something was wrong, and admitted it, so I checked myself into a therapist. I also checked myself into a psychiatrist. I had been on Klonapin at that point for aprox. a year. I had been on Paxil earlier that year, but I hated it.
Eventually they decided to put me on Lexapro. I was on it for one month when the psychiatrist decided to double the dose, due to my suicidal attitude. I had no other choice.
As soon as I was put on Lexapro, I was told I had to get off of Klonapin ASAP. They gave me a limited amount.... and then I was basically screwed. I had to quit cold turkey, otherwise I would just keep on poppin those pills to drown away the pain.
For a few months it felt like someone had taken a screwdriver, shoved it into my head, and mushed it around like an egg beater. It didn't help me in college at all. Not to mention I was getting those consecutive panic attacks several times a day again, a minimum of 10 per day. Shortly after this I decided to quit cold turkey of Lexapro, I decided it wasn't helping me.
After the withdrawals went away I began to feel something, being alive. The world very quickly began to piss me off more and more, untill it fueled in me the strength to change and realize that I was the one in control of what I feel. I could choose to be depressed or move on. I could reflect forever on things that really don't matter anymore, and never enjoy life.
After realizing these things, I began to more and more realize that in a sense, the world is a dream, and you can do anything you want to do. Once you break free, and throw away your chains, you can soar through life doing what you want to do. Yes, there will be set-backs, depressive stages, but these are normal feelings. I think that we dwell so much on the anxiety and depression so much, it has a snowballing effect in that it just gets worse and worse untill we collapse under the weight of it. Depression can be a vital tool to what you do though, if you harness and focus it's energies in someway's (especially creatively) it's a strength to know what it had/does feel like.Best of wishes to all of you who suffer.
I know the worst of it, the very feeling
of going mad. Even worse, knowing there
is nothing you can do to stop it.
Stay strong & break free.
Posted by starflower on November 13, 2003, at 7:36:16
In reply to Break free of that X feelin, posted by octiigon on November 13, 2003, at 6:08:03
Thanks octiigon ... Glad you are doing so well.
I agree with you we tend to get obsessed with meds and finding the right ones as the only answer to setting us free when they are only part of the picture and can be counter productive if they stop us doing the work we need to do to start to change our lives.
> After reading one of the earlier posts.... They mentioned a feeling that is somewhat related to having your heart broken. I had that for years..... But I finally found a way to escape.
>
> It's easier to explain the reasons why aka factors contributing to my conditions.
>
> 1. I saw my mother abused from the ages 0-4. Also was verbally abused at this time.
>
> 2. My confused father had a leash around my neck, and would continuously emotionally, mentally, and ocassionally physically abuse me when I tried to stray.
>
> 3. I was abused for a year and a half (on a continual basis) physically and emotionally by my step-father.
>
> 4. My heart was basically completely shattered after having a near-marital relationship with someone who has Borderline Personality Disorder. It wasn't fun having everything turned back towards you- and almost landed me in a mental ward.
>
> I eventually hit a "breaking point" where I was sick of feeling like I did. After several suicide attempts... and a couple of years of being a lab rat to ssri's, panic disorder med's, etc, I decided to get better or end up in a mental institution the rest of my life, I was to that point. I was becoming more Catatonic by the day, hours seemed to pass by like seconds. The only thing that seemed to make me realize what was happening was when my parents told me the way I was behaving.
>
> I then realized something was wrong, and admitted it, so I checked myself into a therapist. I also checked myself into a psychiatrist. I had been on Klonapin at that point for aprox. a year. I had been on Paxil earlier that year, but I hated it.
>
> Eventually they decided to put me on Lexapro. I was on it for one month when the psychiatrist decided to double the dose, due to my suicidal attitude. I had no other choice.
>
> As soon as I was put on Lexapro, I was told I had to get off of Klonapin ASAP. They gave me a limited amount.... and then I was basically screwed. I had to quit cold turkey, otherwise I would just keep on poppin those pills to drown away the pain.
>
> For a few months it felt like someone had taken a screwdriver, shoved it into my head, and mushed it around like an egg beater. It didn't help me in college at all. Not to mention I was getting those consecutive panic attacks several times a day again, a minimum of 10 per day. Shortly after this I decided to quit cold turkey of Lexapro, I decided it wasn't helping me.
>
> After the withdrawals went away I began to feel something, being alive. The world very quickly began to piss me off more and more, untill it fueled in me the strength to change and realize that I was the one in control of what I feel. I could choose to be depressed or move on. I could reflect forever on things that really don't matter anymore, and never enjoy life.
>
> After realizing these things, I began to more and more realize that in a sense, the world is a dream, and you can do anything you want to do. Once you break free, and throw away your chains, you can soar through life doing what you want to do. Yes, there will be set-backs, depressive stages, but these are normal feelings. I think that we dwell so much on the anxiety and depression so much, it has a snowballing effect in that it just gets worse and worse untill we collapse under the weight of it. Depression can be a vital tool to what you do though, if you harness and focus it's energies in someway's (especially creatively) it's a strength to know what it had/does feel like.
>
> Best of wishes to all of you who suffer.
> I know the worst of it, the very feeling
> of going mad. Even worse, knowing there
> is nothing you can do to stop it.
>
> Stay strong & break free.
Posted by pixygoth on November 14, 2003, at 6:20:53
In reply to Break free of that X feelin, posted by octiigon on November 13, 2003, at 6:08:03
Quote....
and realize that I was the one in control of what I feel. I could choose to be depressed or move on. EndquoteI'm glad *you're* better, but if I was a moderator, I would ask you not to say this kinda stuff. I have no bootstraps, my friend.
S
Posted by Stavros on November 14, 2003, at 10:43:43
In reply to Re: Break free of that X feelin, posted by pixygoth on November 14, 2003, at 6:20:53
> Quote....
> and realize that I was the one in control of what I feel. I could choose to be depressed or move on. Endquote
>
> I'm glad *you're* better, but if I was a moderator, I would ask you not to say this kinda stuff. I have no bootstraps, my friend.
> SPixy, I hear you and don't know what to do either? I Don't know if I have boot straps or if this is an issues that I refuse to deal with? right now on the meds that I am on i can barely open my eyes to face consciousness? I cannot tell what i a doing and have zero perspective. All i am doing is not taking my own life. Call the survival but it's really just being frozen in pain. I you are referencing that you don't have boot straps i don't know what to think? I don'want to freking work out, although i could. I don't want to hang in there or drink more water or sleep better. I have cried out to God, been prayed over, flown all over the place to visit with docs and still i am no better off? This must be sometehing that I refuse to deal with? I have a great life and everything to look forward to but i want to die. That makes no F*&^king sense? Good luck to whatever works for you? My comments are neither here nor there,I just don't konw where else to go,
Posted by Iansf on November 15, 2003, at 14:35:46
In reply to Break free of that X feelin, posted by octiigon on November 13, 2003, at 6:08:03
I'm pleased these realizations worked for you, but they don't seem to work for everyone. I've come across the same ideas many times before and tried to adopt them into my life, but always without success.
It's tempting for people who have managed to change their lives this way to say, if I can do it, anybody can, even though it's not necessarily true. Who can say why these notions enabled you to change your life but didn't enable me, and many others, to do the same?
Eckhart Tolle, author of The Power of Now, went through a long period of deep depression, then woke one day feeling at one with the world. Now he's trying to teach others to do the same. Siddhartha had a similar awakening experience 3,000 years ago and created Buddhism. But why did these two people have awakenings when thousands (more likely millions) of others who underwent equivalent travails did not?
Similar experiences lead to very dissimilar outcomes in different people, for reasons we can only begin to guess at. Many people have success with Prozac (or Effexor or nortriptyline or Wellbutrin or Nardil or whatever), while others don't. Your approach works for some people, but will it work for any greater percentage of people than any particular antidepressant does? I doubt it. For whatever reason, its effect will remain out of the reach of many people, no matter how sincerely they want it to work.
You don't seem fanatical in your belief in your approach, which I applaud. Many people who have had success with changing their attitudes, either through sheer will power or through a technique such as cognitive therapy, resolutely maintain it will work for everyone.
In fact, one of the great ironies I've found with adherents of cognitive therapy, is that when someone doesn't achieve results with it, most practitioners say, "you didn't try hard enough," rather than, "well, maybe it doesn't work for you, but you deserve credit for making the attempt." That is, they use the exact same black-and-white thinking and do the exact same kind of blaming they instruct patients to avoid in themselves.
In the end, all we truly know at this point is that some approaches work for some people, but no approach -- whether mental, psychotherapeutic, pharmaceutical or nutraceutical -- appears to work for everyone.
> After reading one of the earlier posts.... They mentioned a feeling that is somewhat related to having your heart broken. I had that for years..... But I finally found a way to escape.
>
> It's easier to explain the reasons why aka factors contributing to my conditions.
>
> 1. I saw my mother abused from the ages 0-4. Also was verbally abused at this time.
>
> 2. My confused father had a leash around my neck, and would continuously emotionally, mentally, and ocassionally physically abuse me when I tried to stray.
>
> 3. I was abused for a year and a half (on a continual basis) physically and emotionally by my step-father.
>
> 4. My heart was basically completely shattered after having a near-marital relationship with someone who has Borderline Personality Disorder. It wasn't fun having everything turned back towards you- and almost landed me in a mental ward.
>
> I eventually hit a "breaking point" where I was sick of feeling like I did. After several suicide attempts... and a couple of years of being a lab rat to ssri's, panic disorder med's, etc, I decided to get better or end up in a mental institution the rest of my life, I was to that point. I was becoming more Catatonic by the day, hours seemed to pass by like seconds. The only thing that seemed to make me realize what was happening was when my parents told me the way I was behaving.
>
> I then realized something was wrong, and admitted it, so I checked myself into a therapist. I also checked myself into a psychiatrist. I had been on Klonapin at that point for aprox. a year. I had been on Paxil earlier that year, but I hated it.
>
> Eventually they decided to put me on Lexapro. I was on it for one month when the psychiatrist decided to double the dose, due to my suicidal attitude. I had no other choice.
>
> As soon as I was put on Lexapro, I was told I had to get off of Klonapin ASAP. They gave me a limited amount.... and then I was basically screwed. I had to quit cold turkey, otherwise I would just keep on poppin those pills to drown away the pain.
>
> For a few months it felt like someone had taken a screwdriver, shoved it into my head, and mushed it around like an egg beater. It didn't help me in college at all. Not to mention I was getting those consecutive panic attacks several times a day again, a minimum of 10 per day. Shortly after this I decided to quit cold turkey of Lexapro, I decided it wasn't helping me.
>
> After the withdrawals went away I began to feel something, being alive. The world very quickly began to piss me off more and more, untill it fueled in me the strength to change and realize that I was the one in control of what I feel. I could choose to be depressed or move on. I could reflect forever on things that really don't matter anymore, and never enjoy life.
>
> After realizing these things, I began to more and more realize that in a sense, the world is a dream, and you can do anything you want to do. Once you break free, and throw away your chains, you can soar through life doing what you want to do. Yes, there will be set-backs, depressive stages, but these are normal feelings. I think that we dwell so much on the anxiety and depression so much, it has a snowballing effect in that it just gets worse and worse untill we collapse under the weight of it. Depression can be a vital tool to what you do though, if you harness and focus it's energies in someway's (especially creatively) it's a strength to know what it had/does feel like.
>
> Best of wishes to all of you who suffer.
> I know the worst of it, the very feeling
> of going mad. Even worse, knowing there
> is nothing you can do to stop it.
>
> Stay strong & break free.
Posted by Stavros on November 16, 2003, at 21:53:53
In reply to Re: Break free of that X feeling, posted by Iansf on November 15, 2003, at 14:35:46
Iansf,
I enjoyed your post. I was the one that originally posted the X thing subject and have had all sort of resposnses. I am glad that others care to respond at all. I am afraid of being a totaly non responder and being hopeless. I have just stopped wellbutrin XL and am now starting Strattera for my GAD related "x" thing that i cannot get away from. While I am afraid to feel I am even more afraid of being hoepless? Thanks for the balance and I appreciate all stories especially the successful ones. This site can encourage me or discourage me and i need to be very careful how much i get affected by others. I am so scared right now.
s
> I'm pleased these realizations worked for you, but they don't seem to work for everyone. I've come across the same ideas many times before and tried to adopt them into my life, but always without success.
>
> It's tempting for people who have managed to change their lives this way to say, if I can do it, anybody can, even though it's not necessarily true. Who can say why these notions enabled you to change your life but didn't enable me, and many others, to do the same?
>
> Eckhart Tolle, author of The Power of Now, went through a long period of deep depression, then woke one day feeling at one with the world. Now he's trying to teach others to do the same. Siddhartha had a similar awakening experience 3,000 years ago and created Buddhism. But why did these two people have awakenings when thousands (more likely millions) of others who underwent equivalent travails did not?
>
> Similar experiences lead to very dissimilar outcomes in different people, for reasons we can only begin to guess at. Many people have success with Prozac (or Effexor or nortriptyline or Wellbutrin or Nardil or whatever), while others don't. Your approach works for some people, but will it work for any greater percentage of people than any particular antidepressant does? I doubt it. For whatever reason, its effect will remain out of the reach of many people, no matter how sincerely they want it to work.
>
> You don't seem fanatical in your belief in your approach, which I applaud. Many people who have had success with changing their attitudes, either through sheer will power or through a technique such as cognitive therapy, resolutely maintain it will work for everyone.
>
> In fact, one of the great ironies I've found with adherents of cognitive therapy, is that when someone doesn't achieve results with it, most practitioners say, "you didn't try hard enough," rather than, "well, maybe it doesn't work for you, but you deserve credit for making the attempt." That is, they use the exact same black-and-white thinking and do the exact same kind of blaming they instruct patients to avoid in themselves.
>
> In the end, all we truly know at this point is that some approaches work for some people, but no approach -- whether mental, psychotherapeutic, pharmaceutical or nutraceutical -- appears to work for everyone.
>
>
>
>
>
> > After reading one of the earlier posts.... They mentioned a feeling that is somewhat related to having your heart broken. I had that for years..... But I finally found a way to escape.
> >
> > It's easier to explain the reasons why aka factors contributing to my conditions.
> >
> > 1. I saw my mother abused from the ages 0-4. Also was verbally abused at this time.
> >
> > 2. My confused father had a leash around my neck, and would continuously emotionally, mentally, and ocassionally physically abuse me when I tried to stray.
> >
> > 3. I was abused for a year and a half (on a continual basis) physically and emotionally by my step-father.
> >
> > 4. My heart was basically completely shattered after having a near-marital relationship with someone who has Borderline Personality Disorder. It wasn't fun having everything turned back towards you- and almost landed me in a mental ward.
> >
> > I eventually hit a "breaking point" where I was sick of feeling like I did. After several suicide attempts... and a couple of years of being a lab rat to ssri's, panic disorder med's, etc, I decided to get better or end up in a mental institution the rest of my life, I was to that point. I was becoming more Catatonic by the day, hours seemed to pass by like seconds. The only thing that seemed to make me realize what was happening was when my parents told me the way I was behaving.
> >
> > I then realized something was wrong, and admitted it, so I checked myself into a therapist. I also checked myself into a psychiatrist. I had been on Klonapin at that point for aprox. a year. I had been on Paxil earlier that year, but I hated it.
> >
> > Eventually they decided to put me on Lexapro. I was on it for one month when the psychiatrist decided to double the dose, due to my suicidal attitude. I had no other choice.
> >
> > As soon as I was put on Lexapro, I was told I had to get off of Klonapin ASAP. They gave me a limited amount.... and then I was basically screwed. I had to quit cold turkey, otherwise I would just keep on poppin those pills to drown away the pain.
> >
> > For a few months it felt like someone had taken a screwdriver, shoved it into my head, and mushed it around like an egg beater. It didn't help me in college at all. Not to mention I was getting those consecutive panic attacks several times a day again, a minimum of 10 per day. Shortly after this I decided to quit cold turkey of Lexapro, I decided it wasn't helping me.
> >
> > After the withdrawals went away I began to feel something, being alive. The world very quickly began to piss me off more and more, untill it fueled in me the strength to change and realize that I was the one in control of what I feel. I could choose to be depressed or move on. I could reflect forever on things that really don't matter anymore, and never enjoy life.
> >
> > After realizing these things, I began to more and more realize that in a sense, the world is a dream, and you can do anything you want to do. Once you break free, and throw away your chains, you can soar through life doing what you want to do. Yes, there will be set-backs, depressive stages, but these are normal feelings. I think that we dwell so much on the anxiety and depression so much, it has a snowballing effect in that it just gets worse and worse untill we collapse under the weight of it. Depression can be a vital tool to what you do though, if you harness and focus it's energies in someway's (especially creatively) it's a strength to know what it had/does feel like.
> >
> > Best of wishes to all of you who suffer.
> > I know the worst of it, the very feeling
> > of going mad. Even worse, knowing there
> > is nothing you can do to stop it.
> >
> > Stay strong & break free.
>
>
This is the end of the thread.
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