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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 14 of 14. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by BarbaraCat on July 6, 2002, at 22:56:45
I've just about had it. This life is hard, so very embarrisingly hard. My husband is off playing rock and roll. I sit at the piano and clumsily peck out 17th century pavannes. Very clumsily. My hands are stiff, my mind is stiff. I feel like a little round old has-been person. I had great hopes for myself this time around, but I'm a failure, a dud. No matter how many nutrients I take, how many drugs, the fact is I am a failure in my own eyes.
Oh, great Spirit, grant me just one, oh, I can't even think of the word, the phrase. Grant me just one boon in this life. I have so much to give, but no where to place my gift. Oh, please, God, let me live this life more fully than I know how, now. I am so unused and I don't know how to,, how to, how to. I don't know how to.
Posted by Kat26 on July 7, 2002, at 0:05:22
In reply to I am so sick of life!, posted by BarbaraCat on July 6, 2002, at 22:56:45
Hey dear Barbara,
I don't know you and I am not exactly sure what to say, but I just wanted to respond to your post. Sounds like you are going througyh a real low. PLEASE don't believe those depression-induced thoughts that you are a failure etc etc. Not true not ture not true!!! You do remember times when you did NOT feel like a failure, right? See... depression makes you feel like that, and it becomes even unimaginable to imagine anything else. But that is wrong.
Nobody is a failure. Nobody is here for no reason. You know what, I mean of course it is difficult to compare two different lives, but for so long, for years, I thought I might well spend the rest of my life isolating, obsessive-compulsive, stuck, anxious, unable to even look outside sometimes for fear of seeing something "scary"... stuck in a little world, with so many wonderful thigs I wanted to do but just feeling unable to get anything started, because I was so... WEIGHED DOWN by all that stuff... and see, things did change. Things can ALWAYS change. Might be a med, might be an episode lifting, might be something else... might just be the grace of God. I do believe in God. And as I said, I don't believe anybody is here for no reason. Why would God have created you if not for a reason???? He usually knows what He's doing, right???
So many lives have had to go through extreme hardships, only to be turned around and become something amazing and actually make this world a better place.Kat26
Posted by EmilyAnn on July 7, 2002, at 1:07:09
In reply to I am so sick of life!, posted by BarbaraCat on July 6, 2002, at 22:56:45
Barbara,
Hi. I don't know exactly what you are going through or how you feel...but, I have had some of the same feelings before. And Kat26 is right, that's depression talking...telling you things like you are a failure. Of course you are NOT one. God does not make junk, remember that. You are His precious child...He cherishes and loves you. I know it's hard to see now when you are in so much pain, but it's true.
Hang in there.
-B
Posted by fachad on July 7, 2002, at 1:18:01
In reply to I am so sick of life!, posted by BarbaraCat on July 6, 2002, at 22:56:45
BarbaraCat,
I am so sorry to hear that you are feeling so low.
I am not a Christian; I'm not even a religious person. I do not think religion or the Bible has any final answers.
However, there are a few passages in the Bible that I find remarkable as descriptions of the emotional and spiritual place that you are now in. When I was "there" as a child, they were amazing to me; and 30 yrs later they still are.
So, if you have a Bible in your house, take a few minutes to read:
Psalm 77 vs. 1-12
Lamentations Ch 3 vs. 1-26
Ecclesiastes (The Whole Book)Psalm 77 and Lamentation 3 so vivid in their descriptions; it makes me feel much less alone in my suffering to realize they were written over 3,000 yrs ago.
And Ecclesiastes is a fantastic description of the search meaning in the midst of emptiness.
I hope you take the time to read these.
-fachad
> I've just about had it. This life is hard, so very embarrisingly hard. My husband is off playing rock and roll. I sit at the piano and clumsily peck out 17th century pavannes. Very clumsily. My hands are stiff, my mind is stiff. I feel like a little round old has-been person. I had great hopes for myself this time around, but I'm a failure, a dud. No matter how many nutrients I take, how many drugs, the fact is I am a failure in my own eyes.
>
> Oh, great Spirit, grant me just one, oh, I can't even think of the word, the phrase. Grant me just one boon in this life. I have so much to give, but no where to place my gift. Oh, please, God, let me live this life more fully than I know how, now. I am so unused and I don't know how to,, how to, how to. I don't know how to.
Posted by Lou Pilder on July 7, 2002, at 8:12:11
In reply to I am so sick of life!, posted by BarbaraCat on July 6, 2002, at 22:56:45
BarbaraCat,
There is a new board in this site that deals exclusivly with non-drug topics. It is called the faith board.
Transferr over to that board and your post will recieve the consideration of many others.
Lou
PS What would be a boon that you would like granted to you?
Posted by Iago Camboa on July 7, 2002, at 8:38:57
In reply to I am so sick of life!, posted by BarbaraCat on July 6, 2002, at 22:56:45
Barbara, I understand exactly what you mean and can well relate to all those negative thoughts. They have come about stealthily and they will go away just as they arrived, if you are smart enough to take life as the comedy it oftentimes is: I'm not suggesting fleeing life in any way, even less 'falsifying' it, but just healthily laughing of it... Do you still remember our secret? It can just as well work the other way around: I'll too drop a hint to my wife about some good sex, however, I won't tell her whom the inspiration came from! Our second secret?...
You're not a failure, you're an exquisitely sensitive finely educated noble-hearted lady.
Yours, Iago
>I've just about had it. This life is hard, so very embarrisingly hard. My husband is off playing rock and roll. I sit at the piano and clumsily peck out 17th century pavannes. Very clumsily. My hands are stiff, my mind is stiff. I feel like a little round old has-been person. I had great hopes for myself this time around, but I'm a failure, a dud. No matter how many nutrients I take, how many drugs, the fact is I am a failure in my own eyes.
>
>Oh, great Spirit, grant me just one, oh, I can't even think of the word, the phrase. Grant me just one boon in this life. I have so much to give, but no where to place my gift. Oh, please, God, let me live this life more fully than I know how, now. I am so unused and I don't know how to,, how to, how to. I don't know how to.
Posted by hildi on July 7, 2002, at 9:42:54
In reply to I am so sick of life!, posted by BarbaraCat on July 6, 2002, at 22:56:45
Hi Barbara. I know how you feel, I feel the same way myself right now . . I am sick and tired of feeling sick and tired. I am at wits end at this point and cannot stand another day of feeling mentally, physically, and emotionally sick.
However, even as I feel this I must believe that this will pass.
I like how Iago says to remember that 'life is a comedy'. Life really is ridiculous. I think It's good to think of it that way and not take this low feeling now as permanent. It sure doesn't feel funny right now, but for as low as you go doesn't it grant us the opportunity to see life in a whole new way? My great sadness and lows I hope will teach me to cherish the beauty and good days more, when I have them . . I think that those of us who go this low have a sensitivity and 'gift' to see things in this world that 'normal people' aren't aware of and often miss.
My heart goes out to you Barbara. I am there, too. But remember, this will pass. It will! Hang in there and try to remember this.
Hildi
Posted by oona on July 7, 2002, at 11:05:59
In reply to I am so sick of life!, posted by BarbaraCat on July 6, 2002, at 22:56:45
Hi BarbaraCat,
Wish I could offer words of support and not bring this back selfishly to myself but when I read your post it just mirrored exactly how I am feeling.
My meds are not working yet, and I do not know how long I am supposed to wait till they do. Also feeling blue and fantasizing how to end it all or maybe just to walk away and be a street lady somewhere. Knowing that I will just stay here and hope the blues lift. My job is the ONLY thing that keeps me sane (or Insane, not sure).. Just that I have to get up every morning, take a shower, put on clean clothes and drive to work, maintain a composure and be productive. I do not want to live my life like this. I have no friends except my husband and lately not even him. Can not confide to my co-workers. and my visits to my pdoc are mainly for drug maintenance screening. Even if I did get analysis, which my husband says I should, cuz of my ongoing depression and unhappiness, What will it help? I KNOW where my problems started. I KNOW what I have to do. I KNOW & SEE all of it but here I am, in the endless circle, back to square 1.
Just like you are striving with your health regime. How much can we do? Why can we not see some results?
Sure, it is the disease that is doing this to us and it will pass and we will laugh again.
Sorry for going on about myself, but just to let you know that knowing others are feeling what I am feeling, makes me a little less desparate.
For now, I will put on my old boots and go out to the garden and shovel some manure and hope that helps.
Hope you are feeling better soon.
peace,
oona
Posted by nightlight on July 7, 2002, at 11:36:38
In reply to I am so sick of life!, posted by BarbaraCat on July 6, 2002, at 22:56:45
> I've just about had it. This life is hard, so very embarrisingly hard. My husband is off playing rock and roll. I sit at the piano and clumsily peck out 17th century pavannes. Very clumsily. My hands are stiff, my mind is stiff. I feel like a little round old has-been person. I had great hopes for myself this time around, but I'm a failure, a dud. No matter how many nutrients I take, how many drugs, the fact is I am a failure in my own eyes.Hi Barbara-
Boy from your heart & soul to mine!! I u'stand so much what agony it is to search for an answer, even a partial answer to your condition, something on which to to build a foundation of hope, and see it collapse time after time.I finally had to tell my immediate family and friends that I was 'sick', REALLY, and practically non-functional.I had to come out of the 'closet', admit my present state of uselessness and that I could only take care of me right now (& often, my daughter), after that, I'm an empty shell. God, the humiliation. I'm still reeling from it. I keep telling them, "i'm getting better, but this will take time." I can't just wiggle my nose and whip up dinner or clean the house. Failure, dud, can't grasp the reins of my own gifts & capabilities-YES-It is a daily slap in my own face.
>
> Oh, great Spirit, grant me just one, oh, I can't even think of the word, the phrase. Grant me just one boon in this life. I have so much to give, but no where to place my gift. Oh, please, God, let me live this life more fully than I know how, now. I am so unused and I don't know how to,, how to, how to. I don't know how to.
Barbara, I've only been seeking prof'l help for about 4 years (meaning therapy & meds). No recovery or suitable med combo yet. But, I AM seeking, s/t I wd. not actively do for 20 yrs. I simply led my 'marginal' life. Always feeling I was experiencing ony a fraction of what was possible for me.I am an artist who feels paralyzed. I have had glimpses into my other self, but for some reason I developed 'restricted access' to the rooms of my brain. I've walked that long dark hall in my head, all the doors shut tight, locked, and I don't have the key to them. But, I see the light from under the doors and I want that damned key. NOW! Because what's in those rooms is the real me, the real you, the joyful, relaxed, creative, intellectual, generous and forgiving components of ourselves that will make us whole. And happy. And able to live, really live-in the round-'All the world's a stage,' and I at least wanna be capable of doing my own thing, happily unrestrained, in the crowd scenes! Hey, I wanna be a player, too.
I don't know 'how to' do all this either, but, we gotta keep beating on those doors til we break 'em down, one by one. BELIEVE it could happen, even tho we haven't had much encouragement yet.
Life could be so different, I'm right there with ya, moaning & agonizing & numb most days, but on the others, I'm gonna fight for what is due me, & every other depressed, ill person on this earth.
And I'm gonna keep reading, researching, debating w/my drs. 'til I've exhausted every ounce of my being.Sorry to go on & on. But, your post, is like reading my own journal and I do so identify with you and wish u well.
Zannah (nightlight)
Posted by johnj on July 7, 2002, at 12:38:54
In reply to I am so sick of life!, posted by BarbaraCat on July 6, 2002, at 22:56:45
Hi,
I was wondering if you saw a worsening of symptoms after upping your fish oil? I see you posted on 7/3 that you had increased your dose. I had increased REM on fish oil and felt better after reducing and ultimately stopping my dosage. I am not advocating quitting if it has helped you, just wondering if an increased dose may have too calming of an effect. Hope you feel better.
johnj
Posted by BarbaraCat on July 7, 2002, at 13:10:50
In reply to Re: I am so sick of life! » BarbaraCat, posted by fachad on July 7, 2002, at 1:18:01
Thank you one and all from the bottom of my heart. I've been feeling pretty unloveable lately. Even my darling cats have been avoiding me. Just one of those downturns I have to ride out. Your responses to me touched a deep place inside, like hands reaching down to help me out of a dark pit. I'm going to go to bed for the day - really can't force the energy to do anything else. Your kindness has made a big difference. Fachad, I will definitely look up those Bible passages. Jon, I don't know about the fish oil causing this. I thought it was helping. Iago, you can have as many secrets with me as you desire, our little secret. All of you, my heart thanks yours. - Barbara
Posted by d miller on July 7, 2002, at 13:47:55
In reply to I am so sick of life!, posted by BarbaraCat on July 6, 2002, at 22:56:45
Dear Barbara Cat,
I have been reading on this site for months without posting, and I feel as though I have gotten to know so many of you. It has been like watching a movie or reading a book, you get involved in the characters.
I have learned so much from what you have posted and do not think you are nothing or have never done anything great because you have touched and helped my heart someone you did not even know was out there. God works in mysterious ways.
Your psycho babble new friend D. Miller
Posted by Leighwit on July 8, 2002, at 19:02:56
In reply to I am so sick of life!, posted by BarbaraCat on July 6, 2002, at 22:56:45
Posted by wcfrench on July 8, 2002, at 22:45:38
In reply to I'm still sick of life - but thanks, posted by BarbaraCat on July 7, 2002, at 13:10:50
Hey Barb
When I get down I feel like my pets don't love me. That's pure depression talking, babe... Get through it and you will see that your animals are just animals. Good luck, and know that sometimes in life, things are supposed to be hard. They get very hard, for lots of people. But lots of people go through very hard phases and make it through. Tough it out. Think of what makes you happy and do it. Whether it's getting coffee, lying in bed bundled up, watching TV. Do the things that make you feel good. And get some sun if it's not too damned hot. If you're up for it, exercise... though look at me talking, when I'm depressed I think even TV sucks (though most of it does anyway). Anyway just writing to say that my life is not far off from yours, so my heart is going out to you. I pray you will feel better.
-Charlie
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