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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 7 of 7. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by LiLi80 on March 9, 2002, at 2:42:58
I am still waiting for my depression to stop or die down or anything. But nothing. I have taken med after med. I have seen a therapist and a pdoc, and a regular doc. I am starting DBT soon. But i am still suicidal. If nothing is working, then I knw I will kill myself. Yup got the plan too.
I am sick of this. I just want it to stop. I am sick of being told that I am torturing myself with this depression "story". How can a suicidal person be torturing themselves? Unless that person has some dream or fantasy of the wonderful afterlife that they think they will be getting to faster. I dont have such dillusiones. I just want it to stop.
I want to stop feeling like this. I know how to get past the pdocs and stuff, i've learned how to be mentally ill and still keep my sanity. I've heard: the hang in there and find God crap. I'm sick of this, I just want it to stop.
I have suicidal ideations all the time. I told my therapist and pdoc this. They know my thoughts are constant, but they cant just lock me up forever. I have never been locked up ..oh excuse me "helped". I will never be locked up. What is the point of it? I am very convinced that a person can not get better in a vacuum.
One cannot take the world away forever, I will just have to learn how to live in the world after the pdocs make themselves feel all smart and release me. Oh am i anger? you say. Hell yeah. EVer heard of depression? Anger is a main ingredient. My story has been posted before. I am not torturing myself , if I just want it to stop.
Posted by trouble on March 9, 2002, at 5:11:20
In reply to Nothing is working!, posted by LiLi80 on March 9, 2002, at 2:42:58
Hey Lilli,
Your depression will end. I know that sounds like bullshit, but consider the source. People here have been where you are, I'm only one of many, and
we can all guarantee you your depression is treatable. Some things you have to take on faith, this is one of them.The hate and anger and rage you express are real. No one can talk you out of these feelings, they're yours, you've paid for them, you don't have to justify them to anyone. They're scaring you right now, but you are a whole person and these are just feelings, there's more to you than there is to them, but they want you to know that they count too. Even this feeling about killing yourself is a small scared need inside that just wants your attention. You give it some love, child and it won't force your hand.
There is so much going on w/ you that it pains me to see any extraneous crap piled on right now when your resources are stretched to the limit. I don't know who it is that keeps trivializing your depression, but please try to let them go, put all their nastiness in a big red balloon and watch it fly away. Your existence is doing this person a favor Lilli, you are ahead of them on the path, you are teaching them something about their own fragile human nature that they're not ready to face. So let's be generous, and let them go, forgive them for their ignorant attitude, and wish them well. If you find this appalling then I'll do it, if you'll let me, I'm doing it right now, believe me sweetheart, this is one burden I can handle, kicking against the pricks, it's not the time for you to do that, imagine a bird w/ a broken wing trying to ward off a typhoon, that's you right now, but given the right care and protection fractured wings grow strong again. That's just nature taking its course. You are a product of nature. Nothing going on w/you is beyond the realm of human nature. Others have experienced what you're experienceing, and have come out the other side to tell about it. You know in your gut who these people are, they shelter you, you feel safe and sheltered by them. If you decide to let them in, that's hard too.
I'm happy you decided to go w/ the DBT therapy. That was a complex predicament, you were on a deadline too. And depressed and pulled apart as you were, you took decisive action. It's hard to make decisions when a person's depressed, but you did, and what a decision, Lilli, you said yes, not no, but yes to the part of you that wants to heal. She's in there, and I predict that DBT is going to give her a hell of a lot more breathing room than she's had lately.
I'm sending this out now, I am seeing you safe and sheltered, and sitting w/ your feelings.
love, trouble
Posted by misty99 on March 9, 2002, at 11:31:25
In reply to Nothing is working!, posted by LiLi80 on March 9, 2002, at 2:42:58
LiLi80,
My heart goes out to you. I was suicidal off and on for a few years before the suicidal ideations completely went away with the right med combo. I thought that people who told me it would get better just like I am telling you were idiots. But they were right and I was wrong.
I wish I could say something that would make your pain go away and bring you that relief you so desperately want. But hopefully, even though I don't know you and you don't know me, reading the board messages will give you the strength to put up with those bad feelings until you start feeling better.
Please hang in there and keep us updated as to how you're doing. This is a very caring board so please take advantage of that to get through these bad times.
Here's a big cyber hug <<<<<Lili80>>>>>>>
Misty
Posted by LiLi80 on March 9, 2002, at 16:20:00
In reply to need support here folks, posted by trouble on March 9, 2002, at 5:11:20
Thank you Trouble,
I really didnt think anybody really even was listening to me at this post. usually I think people just post just to post something. I do that sometimes, because I need to feel like I belong somewhere. My life sucks, and I found out the other day that my old roomates told everyone on campus not to talk to me because I am crazy. One old friend started to talk to me again and he said he wasnt sure what they would do to him if they found out he was talking to me. His roomate saw him talking to me online and he got paranoid, and got offline. Everyone is scared of me, and what what old roomates will do to them. (look at what they did to me)
thanks for really listening,
lili
Posted by pedr on March 12, 2002, at 8:23:45
In reply to Nothing is working!, posted by LiLi80 on March 9, 2002, at 2:42:58
> I am still waiting for my depression to stop or die down or anything. But nothing. I have taken med after med. I have seen a therapist and a pdoc, and a regular doc. I am starting DBT soon. But i am still suicidal. If nothing is working, then I knw I will kill myself. Yup got the plan too.
>
> I am sick of this. I just want it to stop. I am sick of being told that I am torturing myself with this depression "story". How can a suicidal person be torturing themselves? Unless that person has some dream or fantasy of the wonderful afterlife that they think they will be getting to faster. I dont have such dillusiones. I just want it to stop.
>
> I want to stop feeling like this. I know how to get past the pdocs and stuff, i've learned how to be mentally ill and still keep my sanity. I've heard: the hang in there and find God crap. I'm sick of this, I just want it to stop.
>
> I have suicidal ideations all the time. I told my therapist and pdoc this. They know my thoughts are constant, but they cant just lock me up forever. I have never been locked up ..oh excuse me "helped". I will never be locked up. What is the point of it? I am very convinced that a person can not get better in a vacuum.
>
> One cannot take the world away forever, I will just have to learn how to live in the world after the pdocs make themselves feel all smart and release me. Oh am i anger? you say. Hell yeah. EVer heard of depression? Anger is a main ingredient. My story has been posted before. I am not torturing myself , if I just want it to stop.Shit lili, you're in a bad way, no doubt about that. I have just a couple of suggestions.
Are you sure you've tried all meds - what about MAOIs and drugs not normally indicated for unipolar depression e.g. lamictal, adrafinil, amisulpride. Yes, it's bloody horrible starting/stopping meds but they *can* make the crucual difference. Failing that, there is always ECT to try. Please forgive me if you've tried these things already.
Secondly, be aware that it is possible to recover from the situation you're in. I've come out of a similar depression, as have several others on this board. It is possible.
My thoughts are with you,
pete.
Posted by Denise528 on March 12, 2002, at 12:09:05
In reply to Nothing is working!, posted by LiLi80 on March 9, 2002, at 2:42:58
Hi,
I can so relate to what you are going through, I've been going through the same thing since June and feel like I'm banging my head against a brick wall because nothing seems to be working this time round. Believe me if I lived near a cliff I would have jumped off it 10 times over I've been in a terrible state. The thing is I'm not a normally anxious person but I've been so agitated and when I'm not agitated just really down. One thing you might want to consider and which has definately helped the suicidal ruminations is a small dose of Zyprexa, this has gotten me out of some potentially awful situations. I thank God for it, the only thing I don't like about it is I tend to feel a bit flat when I come it but this could be just down to the depression. The thing that really keeps me going is the memory of what life is like when the drugs do work. Don't give up hope, I know exactly how you feel
Denise
Posted by Penny on March 12, 2002, at 12:38:47
In reply to Nothing is working!, posted by LiLi80 on March 9, 2002, at 2:42:58
> I am still waiting for my depression to stop or die down or anything.
> I am sick of this. I just want it to stop.Lili,
I'm soooo right there with you!!! I say those same things over and over myself...I'm just ready for this to stop. Folks (especially on this board!) keep saying it will. Not sure if I believe them or not, but what choice do I have?
I'm reading a good book that I highly recommend called "Suicide: the forever decision." It's not condescending, very much to the point. Can't say it's made me cross suicide completely off my list of options, but certainly gave me something to think about.
Anyway, if you want to reach me, feel free to email at penny1076@yahoo.com.
I'm trying to hang in here. I sincerely hope you do the same. Please write if you need to!
Penny
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