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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 5 of 5. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Racer on September 11, 2005, at 17:31:27
It's not quite so bad today, but last night it had me just collapsed and not wanting to live. Anyone else go through this? Or are all of you smart enough *not* to read what you wrote years back?
Anyway, there was a thread on the Social board about when we all started posting. I went back and looked, and found my first post ever on PB: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/19990501/msgs/381.html
Reading that, and a few other things I posted about that time, I saw how much of it was so much the same as what happened last year, and it kicked up all those old, "It Must Be My Fault" routines in me. After all, it couldn't be that the systems are both so [verb form expletive deleted] up, right? If it wasn't my fault, then I wouldn't have experienced two such similar things, right? I would have experienced different things, maybe, but not the same sort of nightmare.
Now, rationally, I can see some differences right off the bat: even the county's mental health department told me that the idiot doctor back then was the only game in town no matter how bad she was. She was a terrible experience right from the start, whereas Dr EyeCandy wasn't a problem until The Therapist With Delusions of Competence started things rolling south. Still, the end result was the same: I felt hopeless, helpless, worthless, and at fault. And without any reason I could name to continue living. (This was before Shar explained the "50+ Rule" to us all.)
Does anyone else here go through the whole thing where you figure since bad things happen to you, you must be causing them to happen? Where is the truth to be found? How much of this is my fault? How much of this do I actually cause myself, and how much is beyond my control? How can one combat this sort of thinking without turning into a professional victim or whiner?
Shar? This is where you get to show what a great teacher you are. And you are a great teacher. Just look how well I've learned the "50+ Rule." ;-%
I guess I just answered some of my question -- it's the whiner/victim part that keeps me caught up in the whole cycle of blaming myself. After all, if I admit that I do think that some people out there have taken advantage of my vulnerabilities, that's the same as whining and 'playing the victim.' Where's the line between saying that someone else has hurt you and whining about being a victim?
Posted by shar on September 13, 2005, at 0:22:23
In reply to Reading very old posts -- getting me down, posted by Racer on September 11, 2005, at 17:31:27
Racer,
A tape I used to listen to at night (to try to sleep) was wonderful. It was called "Warming the Stone Child." Part of it said,
"I had a client [the therapist said] that would bring up her worst experiences whenever her life got particularly stressful, or she felt out of control, or had a terrible experience otherwise. And she would get quite angry when I suggested that THIS may not be the right time to deal with those issues. After a while, she dealt with the HARD stuff when she felt strong, and it was much easier (comparatively speaking)."
That is a total paraphrase, because my tape got way wobbly, and I couldn't listen to it anymore.
Anyhow, I think, IMHO, what is needed, is attention to detail. Like, whatcha' doin' readin' old posts? To find more info on how awful you are?? Whiner, victim....ick, ick, ick!! Could we not ALL be called that? What are you thinking?!
How come you use everything AGAINST your beautiful self?
And--where ya gonna go after this?!
I know lots of folks hate my 50-year-old rule, but, I think it's great if you DO NOT give it all up 'til then!
I do not read what I wrote years back. I don't know why, maybe because that is not the person I am today! I'm 53, and I wake up every morning just wanting NO MORE. I have no therapy, meds that need adjusting, little sleep, no appetite. So, I can relate a little.
I truly don't know why I go on. I think my S.O. has a lot to do with it...but, even after 2.5+ years....I still wonder....can't I feel better? And, folks with health insurance say..."sure thing." Only, mostly, they don't live in Tx... Thanks, Shrub.
BTW, unless you are 49+ you don't get overly much credit for the 50+ rule, Little Missy!!
xoxo
Shar
Posted by NikkiT2 on September 13, 2005, at 9:26:10
In reply to Reading very old posts -- getting me down, posted by Racer on September 11, 2005, at 17:31:27
Hun,
if only your story was "only your story", but you KNOW, that mental health care the world over is, bscially, cr*p compared to physical health.. The fact you went through similar situations twice, is NO reflection on you, just on the services offered..
When I have conquered the UK and sorted out the services here, I promise to head "stateside" and sort them out there!! Starting in your area ofcourse as I know have contacts there!! *lol*
Nikki xxx
Posted by Racer on September 13, 2005, at 13:13:00
In reply to Re: Reading very old posts -- getting me down, posted by shar on September 13, 2005, at 0:22:23
And shar? I don't know why I use everything against myself. I guess for the same reasons many of us do, all tied up with learning lousy self-image and self-esteem. That's been a big part of therapy these days -- unlearning what I was taught.
As for you, maybe you're just pointing your talents in the wrong direction. Have you considered walking in to your local Democratic Party offices and telling them that you're there for the $80K job that they need you to do? The one where you manage to teach common sense and critical thinking to the entire electorate of Texas, so that y'all never send us another Shrub? I'll bet you'll feel much better as you dance around him duct taped to a chair, with athletic socks in his mouth as a gag. I'm thinking a sort of hornpipe dance, aren't you?
Nikki, your posts leave me feeling embraced. You don't know your own talents. Thank you.
Posted by shar on September 14, 2005, at 23:07:39
In reply to Thank you both, posted by Racer on September 13, 2005, at 13:13:00
Hi ya' there, Girl,
Well, yes, I guess, that's what I was getting at. We (many of us) are trying to unlearn those things. I think, often, we forget to count our successes (although we seem to always remember our so-called failures). So, I'd like to see us reverse that trend, and remember the triumphs vs. the alternatives. Maybe that's what normals do? I don't know; I'm not 'there' yet.
And, as one who has performed in many a Renaissance Faire, hornpipes seem great to me. But, to start with...Shrub ain't really a Texan (IMHO), nor was his Daddy. They shure wudn't born 'n raised 'uns, and I NEVER voted for either one (I'm a Yellow Dog Democrat).
Another quote I remembered (after awakening from a nightmare, etc.) was "It's ok to look at the past...but, don't stare." I've always liked that one a great deal.
Maybe Nik can save us all!!
xoxo
Shar
This is the end of the thread.
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