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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 6 of 6. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Phil on December 7, 2004, at 7:33:26
Depression and all it's wonderful moments is kicking my ass like nobody's business. Lately, every day I wake up to a sense of dread-that's the first thing that hits me. Then I yell at my cat to shut the hell up. I shuffle off to the only thing that keeps me above water-a job I can't stand that is never enough to pay the bills.
These medications have taken away any 'high' I may have experienced but the depression remains full force. Mood stabilizer is right-I'm stable at the bottom of the tank with the rest of the walking dead.
If anyone thinks this is just a pity party, they haven't really seen my life over the last 20 years. Depression is right there just waiting to kick the next meds ass into oblivion.
I see my doctor this week but I've got to say; when this disease hits full force, it's me against it. There are no miracles.
This obsession of the mind, in and of itself, is enough to kill, so I don't want to hear about starving kids in the Sudan, people that are 'really sick', or some invisable god that will pull me out of this.
People, some famous, have written books on how gut-wrenching this disease is-even great writers concede that they don't have the words to describe it. Their families read those books and have to try and understand the illness that is as mysterious as the the blackest ocean. My family has to try and understand, too. I know it's a lot to ask.
The only thing I live for is that I've vowed never to surrender, but make no mistake, I've got a worthy foe.
My life may only amount to a never ending struggle with this darkness. That isn't much to hang your hat on, but it's all this cowboy's got.
Posted by Noa on December 8, 2004, at 0:07:49
In reply to All This Cowboy's Got (Will anyone see this?), posted by Phil on December 7, 2004, at 7:33:26
You are so right that it is incredibly difficult to describe the experience. You do a pretty good job of it. At least you know that here we understand.
I'm sorry it continues to be so rough.
But it's good to see you, Phil.
Posted by Phil on December 8, 2004, at 6:02:16
In reply to Re: All This Cowboy's Got (Will anyone see this?), posted by Noa on December 8, 2004, at 0:07:49
Thanks Noa. Always good to see you here.
Posted by Kath on December 11, 2004, at 15:04:35
In reply to All This Cowboy's Got (Will anyone see this?), posted by Phil on December 7, 2004, at 7:33:26
Phil - The amount I admire & respect people like you & hold you all "in awe" is beyond words. I mostly have anxiety & even that is not at "panic attacks" stage. In other words, I view myself as having mostly mildish anxiety & sometimes a wee touch of depression....when I was feeling depressed, it was that "wake up in the morning with a sense of impending doom" feeling & going back to sleep to escape it & dreaming crappy dreams then ending up waking up to the same thing again. BUT when I would get up & going, mostly that feeling was just 'way in the background.
SOOOOOOOOOOO - for those of you who have to deal with 'way more heavy-duty stuff than I ever have had to - I say this:
"For those of you who Rock - I salute you!!"
Not to make light of the situation by ANY means. I applaud you for plodding on even (or mostly) when you don't want to. And for putting up with even the most well-meaning people who simply do not and CAN NOT understand at all, what it's like to suffer in this way.Thanks for hanging in there, Phil
Love, Kath
> Depression and all it's wonderful moments is kicking my ass like nobody's business. Lately, every day I wake up to a sense of dread-that's the first thing that hits me. Then I yell at my cat to shut the hell up. I shuffle off to the only thing that keeps me above water-a job I can't stand that is never enough to pay the bills.
> These medications have taken away any 'high' I may have experienced but the depression remains full force. Mood stabilizer is right-I'm stable at the bottom of the tank with the rest of the walking dead.
> If anyone thinks this is just a pity party, they haven't really seen my life over the last 20 years. Depression is right there just waiting to kick the next meds ass into oblivion.
> I see my doctor this week but I've got to say; when this disease hits full force, it's me against it. There are no miracles.
> This obsession of the mind, in and of itself, is enough to kill, so I don't want to hear about starving kids in the Sudan, people that are 'really sick', or some invisable god that will pull me out of this.
> People, some famous, have written books on how gut-wrenching this disease is-even great writers concede that they don't have the words to describe it. Their families read those books and have to try and understand the illness that is as mysterious as the the blackest ocean. My family has to try and understand, too. I know it's a lot to ask.
> The only thing I live for is that I've vowed never to surrender, but make no mistake, I've got a worthy foe.
> My life may only amount to a never ending struggle with this darkness. That isn't much to hang your hat on, but it's all this cowboy's got.
Posted by Phil on December 12, 2004, at 10:36:30
In reply to Re: All This Cowboy's Got (Will anyon Phil, posted by Kath on December 11, 2004, at 15:04:35
Kath, That's very nice of you. There are so many others here who fight similar, or worse, battles. I should thank them, as you have.
And thank you, too.Phil
Posted by JahL on February 2, 2005, at 19:05:21
In reply to All This Cowboy's Got (Will anyone see this?), posted by Phil on December 7, 2004, at 7:33:26
> Depression and all it's wonderful moments is kicking my *ss like nobody's business.
> I'm stable at the bottom of the tank with the rest of the walking dead.
> This obsession of the mind, in and of itself, is enough to kill, so I don't want to hear about starving kids in the Sudan, people that are 'really sick', or some invisable god that will pull me out of this.
> ...this disease-even great writers concede that they don't have the words to describe it.
You describe me exactly Phil. Right down to the 20 years (though I was an early starter, suicidal age 7) Feelin' it.I've personally decided to duck out and catch the bus but I admire your tenacity and willpower.
Very eloquently put, if I may say so.
Jah.
This is the end of the thread.
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