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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 9 of 9. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Racer on June 22, 2004, at 16:19:38
Yesterday, and this morning, I was -- in case you couldn't figure it out from anything I posted anywhere -- devastated and hysterical and just Not In Good Shape.
So, why am I calmer now? I finally figured out what the feeling was. Now, in the whole scheme of things, that really doesn't do all that much for me, but I'm more than satisfied by simply being calmer about it all. (Or, of course, it could just be my typically weird reaction to Provigil -- trust me to be calmed by a stimulant, right?) Anyway, knowing what the feeling is, where I've felt it before, and all that has really helped me.
Tomorrow I have session 2 with my new therapist, although I'm frightened to have something this huge come up before we have anything like a relationship, but I spoke with our marriage counselor (who's also clinical director of that facility and supervises the intern who's seeing me there) today, and she told me to tell the new T about the fears involved and use them to help build the relationship. Now, I know therapy has to be hard to be good, but.... But I am going to do it. I'm going to tell the new therapist how frightened I am to be starting off with this.
You know what else? Now that I know what this feels like, I'm also able to step back and give myself some of the same understanding I'd give anyone else who expressed the same sort of thing.
I know that we all worry about one another here, and wanted to tell you all about this. (Mind you, being me, this could all change radically with a single telephone call or even a stray thought, so don't hold me to any of it for more than the blink of a hummingbird's eye. 'K?)
Posted by Shar on June 24, 2004, at 17:28:42
In reply to Feeling calmer -- here's why (I think), posted by Racer on June 22, 2004, at 16:19:38
R,
Nope, won't hold you to it, but I think you did a great job of figuring those things out--even if the calmness only lasts a few hours. All feelings (except, apparently, depression) can be here and there in a matter of seconds. The celebration needs to happen in the moment, I think; that is, just appreciating it while it's there. Now, if I could only follow my own advice...xoxo
Shar
Posted by Shar on June 24, 2004, at 17:29:51
In reply to Feeling calmer -- here's why (I think), posted by Racer on June 22, 2004, at 16:19:38
Posted by Racer on June 24, 2004, at 18:26:54
In reply to Re: Feeling calmer -- So Glad to Hear It » Racer, posted by Shar on June 24, 2004, at 17:28:42
Yesterday's session was very mixed for me, and today I'm a total basket case. I do mean TOTAL, too -- although I'm not old enough to qualify for suicide yet, so don't get your knickers in a twist. (<< I only *sound* old enough, huh?)
The good: I did tell her that I was terrified that having to start off with the kind of crisis I was in would jeopardize our ability to form a strong therapeutic relationship. I also told her that I was aware that, while I was telling her about the crisis, it was all intellectualized with the emotions held at bay. Nothing happened during the session to scare me away from her. Actually, she not only agreed with me about some of what I was saying, but even said at one point, "I was thinking the same thing!" (This was re: something Dr EyeCandy said, about his patients never complaining about constipation on Remeron. I said, "And I didn't ask him if he'd ever *asked* them about it...") THAT was really helpful for me, somehow -- probably because I really did *know* that it was the right question for that situation, but after all that's gone on with people telling me that what I *know* to be true is not, it was very comforting to be told that I spoke the truth. You know what I mean? Of course you do, you're Shar the Magnificent.
The bad: it was all intellectualizing, and all the emotions were disconnected from it. I was mostly babbling on, unable to get to what I really needed to get to, and knowing both that I needed to get there and that it was impossible to do so. Kinda like a car wreck, when it seems time slows down, and you know you can't stop it, but every fiber in your body is screaming for it not to happen, trying to find some way to avoid it? Also, the whole thing about having felt this way before? There is a specific event in my past that really does fit what I've been feeling with this agency. I know that it's a perfect fit. It's something that I'm still horribly traumatized about -- and I have only ever told one single person what happened, recently, via email. Even though I have a VERY different perspective on this event as an adult; even though if I heard of it happening to someone else I would move heaven and earth to correct it; even though I know that it really should be something to be comforted for and not shamed by -- well, I'm still much too ashamed by it to tell anyone. I had decided to try to use that as a way of illustrating what I was feeling, because it *is* exactly the same feeling that I have been having about this agency. I had planned on it, in fact. (That's why I told someone via email, to get a little practice with someone I trusted before I exposed my shameful secret to anyone else.) Anyway, I started to say it, but couldn't. Instead, I used the sexual molestation by my mother's ex-bf as an illustration -- which was still useful, of course, and it did allow the inclusion of other information that the "real" illustration wouldn't have, but it was still pretty traumatic for me.
I'm doing the "remember, this is only the beginning -- and you don't have to finish it all today" reminders to myself, and they do help most of the time, but... And I am at least not currently at the "I need to die NOW" place, which is very good. I'm more at the "Why can't I do anything the easy way?" place, although I've had a wicked case of the "I Can'ts" and the "I'm An Utter Failure At Everythings" today. Also, despite her being slim, pretty, petite, and well-dressed, I do like this new therapist. And those ARE hard for me to get past, you know...
It's good to see you, by the way. Whatcha been up to?
Posted by Shar on June 26, 2004, at 23:53:30
In reply to HA!!! Too bad we ALL can't follow our advice! » Shar, posted by Racer on June 24, 2004, at 18:26:54
Racer,
Amen to that! If I could follow my own advice I'd probably be owner of a forum for depressed individuals!All in all, I'm glad that it went like it did. I think all therapy starts a little stilted and conservative (at least mine does) and rightly so. You don't have any idea of what this person will be like, and it's good to not just lay open yourself to possible harm! Hooray for you, IMHO.
And, it sounds like the T may be on the same wavelength as you--another hooray! It definitely sounds worth pursuing, and going back.
Me, I have been offline due to the dying throes of my poor computer, and then, a miracle occurred and my boss said "hey, I saw this great deal on a computer, would you like it so you could work from home?" and now I have one that works. Go figure!! I guess that's how come I'm always saying 'wait' because things can change in such a short time!! PB and all of its subcategories, has changed my life, truly, and being without a computer was terrible for me recently. Tho' I'm still very low energy and not writing too much, you and others are still with me every day.
Please keep posting on how things are going!
xoxox
Shar
Posted by Racer on June 27, 2004, at 18:06:28
In reply to Too bad we ALL can't follow our advice! » Racer, posted by Shar on June 26, 2004, at 23:53:30
WHOOHOO!!!!
Congratulations on your new computer! You know what it means, though? It means now you get to come here and POST MORE!!!!
You know, you offer so much to so many here, it always seems a little lonely here to me without your name on new posts. Even when they're not written to me, I always know I'll enjoy your posts and learn a lot from them.
Thank you for years of support and information and conversation and everything else you provide to us all.
Posted by Noa on June 28, 2004, at 21:59:37
In reply to {{{HAPPY DANCE]]] » Shar, posted by Racer on June 27, 2004, at 18:06:28
Like Racer said, or shall I paraphrase? You Da Bomb!!! You're the cat's pajamas!
Enjoy the new computer. And thanks for the message--change can be just around the corner, even when you think all hope is gone.
Posted by Shar on June 28, 2004, at 23:32:37
In reply to HA!!! Too bad we ALL can't follow our advice! » Shar, posted by Racer on June 24, 2004, at 18:26:54
Wowee, the last thing I expect in life is something positive. Especially about me!
Thank you very much. I'm going to work hard to embrace it!
xoxo
Shar
Posted by Racer on June 29, 2004, at 10:46:48
In reply to You all are TOO good!!, posted by Shar on June 28, 2004, at 23:32:37
Shar, you get a big, huge hug from me -- the non-hugger. One of those wrap all around you, lift you off your feet hugs.
The FIRST thing most of us expect is to find something positive about you, every time we see your name on a post. Or, rather than generalizing and assuming that I can speak for anyone else -- that's what I expect.
You are a gem, and you sparkle. During some very dark days, I could always count on your light to help me find my way.
{{{SHAR}}}
This is the end of the thread.
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