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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 4 of 4. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Racer on May 12, 2004, at 11:50:49
Sorry to be so needy right now, but someone needs to start something here because I'm in distress and need the contact. You know?
As for me, I'm in the pit of hell with the start of this new med. Tantrums, tears, general yuck factor. Everything that doesn't taste funny, smells funny. I keep running into the biggest behavioral symptom of my depression: every time I try to do anything, I get so over-agitated I give up, which is a failure, so I can punish myself for it. {{sigh}} Guess how much I'm getting done right now?
The hell of it is, I'm too afraid to try to do anything anymore. I'm not talking things like The Great English Language Novel -- I'm talking cleaning the bathroom! I've been working on a sweater, and it's close to being done -- literally about 100 stitches left to go, if that -- but I can't make myself do more than a few stitches, because I'm so afraid of how wrong it's going to be when I do finish it -- another failure. Scaring the hell out of my husband, since I go back and forth between tantrums where I thow things -- scares me, too: I'm out of control, and it's not like me -- and then throwing myself down to sob for a while. Nope, sleep ain't happ'n'ng, either.
On a good note, I did finally figure out what 'reassuring me about side effects' would look like from my doctor: it's not about reading the list of reported side effects to me. I can do that myself. Besides, those are all based on a statistical model that really hasn't got a lot of relevance to an individual patient. Reassuring me would mean saying, "Hey, if any of these bad things happen, call me and we'll find a way to minimize your distress. We can work together to find a solution that you can live with. Just call me and let me know if something goes on, 'K?" Now, I know that's not going to happen at this place, but at least I can tell the next doctor what 'reassurance' looks like.
(And, of course, that brings me back to therapy: maybe this is something that should have been ferretted out of me there? With assistance? Ever wonder why I feel as if I'm in this all alone? [OK >> Alone except for Babbleites.] Maybe it's because it seems as if the only things that are happening at all are those that I do do all alone? Like figuring out what I need?)
There. That's my bit for the day. Is anyone else around who wants to say a few words? (or more than a few?)
Thank [insert name of your deity of choice here] for all of us being here together.
Posted by finelinebob on May 12, 2004, at 12:22:29
In reply to Hello?, posted by Racer on May 12, 2004, at 11:50:49
> Sorry to be so needy right now, but someone needs to start something here because I'm in distress and need the contact. You know?
I can get pretty disappointed when I keep checking in every 5 minutes and there's nothing new posted. I mean, how many people read these boards anyway? So, Racer, I'm very happy you need contact! =^) Sad you're distressed, tho =^(
> As for me, I'm in the pit of hell with the start of this new med.
Is it just me, or do the newer Babblelanders have a different attitude about this? The ol' memory lane stroll made me think about it. I think the general advice was a little more cautious ... well, that may be too strong a word. Do you remember the old, old ABC comedy show that was a take-off on Saturday Night Live ... it was called Fridays or something like that? Anyway, they had this one recurring skit with this self-medicating pharmacist who was always saying, "just TAKE a PILL!" and popping anything he could get his hands on. That's what it seems like these days ... "what? it's your second week on prozac and you're feeling a little jittery? you need some xanax!"
Or, maybe I'm just an old Babblefogey....
> The hell of it is, I'm too afraid to try to do anything anymore.
Okay, more SNL-related memories. Bill Murray: "What About Bob?" (of course I'd remember THAT one!) Baby Steps. Sounds like you still have a shred of sanity and calm left -- after all, you got on your computer, got here to Babble, clicked the New Thread button, typed in your message while experiencing all the feelings seeing those words can elicit, and you even hit the submit button. Twice! That, Racer, is a HUGE accomplishment! I mean it!
Back to that thread of sanity. Don't task it with too much right now. When you feel yourself getting flustered, just stop and breathe deeply. I think that is maybe the most important lesson my therapist taught me about me -- just how much I stop breathing when I get upset. I actually hold my breath ... mostly as a consequence of getting all tight in my chest and pushing myself into that tightness, trying to hold myself together. If you're not breathing at all, holding yourself together doesn't do any good. Or so I've learned.
Just curious, how good does that sweater look now? Can you talk about it, tell us what it looks like? I'd like to hear about it.
flb
Posted by Racer on May 12, 2004, at 16:14:46
In reply to Yo!, posted by finelinebob on May 12, 2004, at 12:22:29
> > As for me, I'm in the pit of hell with the start of this new med.
>
> Is it just me, or do the newer Babblelanders have a different attitude about this? The ol' memory lane stroll made me think about it. I think the general advice was a little more cautious ... well, that may be too strong a word. Do you remember the old, old ABC comedy show that was a take-off on Saturday Night Live ... it was called Fridays or something like that? Anyway, they had this one recurring skit with this self-medicating pharmacist who was always saying, "just TAKE a PILL!" and popping anything he could get his hands on. That's what it seems like these days ... "what? it's your second week on prozac and you're feeling a little jittery? you need some xanax!"
>Yeah, but I don't think that is limited to Babble. I think it's directly related to the Direct To Consumers advertising. When the TV shows you commercials for all these drugs, as if taking a little pill is all you need to do to fix your life, well, there are a lot of people who won't look past that. (Hell, I've got one of them in my close family: "Well, you take an anti-depressant and it's done. Why don't you have a job yet?") That's a two edged sword, of course. On the one hand, take a pill for anything and everything. On the other hand, if it's not as easy as taking a pill, then you're obviously doing it wrong. It reminds me a lot of the "Sexual Revolution." Once you couldn't use pregnancy as an excuse, how did you say "No" to a man who asked? That was a real issue, you know. (I know, for some men -- REAL men, who grok 'no' -- it's different. But there are a lot of men out there who literally will not take no for an answer. "NO" means "MAYBE," so ask another way. "MAYBE" means "YES," so "NO" obviously means "YES." Trust me on this one, 'K?)
I get pretty hot under the collar about DTC advertising, by the way, as well as a lot of the "just take a pill" mentality. (And don't even let me get started on the "no need to diet" style foods, like the "WOW" potato chips of a few years back. That's right, you can eat everything you want, all the time, just eat these artificial products that may or may not damage your body. Eat tons of everything out there, and still lose weight by taking these little pills. Again with the pills?) For a lot of the people taking these meds now, making lifestyle changes would do more for them than any pill. That means that those of us who experience something more than mild distress are stigmatized again -- what's wrong with us that it's not as simple as taking a little pill?
>
> Back to that thread of sanity. Don't task it with too much right now. When you feel yourself getting flustered, just stop and breathe deeply. I think that is maybe the most important lesson my therapist taught me about me -- just how much I stop breathing when I get upset. I actually hold my breath ... mostly as a consequence of getting all tight in my chest and pushing myself into that tightness, trying to hold myself together. If you're not breathing at all, holding yourself together doesn't do any good. Or so I've learned.
>
AHA! You've just touched on something there, Mr FineLine. The only way I'm getting through these days is by being as tense as possible. That includes the tension of hunger, which I hadn't realized before. It feels as though if I satisfy my hunger -- whether for food or for relaxed muscles -- I'll lose control and shatter into an infinite number of tiny pieces. The best way I can find to describe it is that if I don't have that tension holding my skin over my bones, my skin will just come apart and there'll be nothing holding me together.(Of course, no matter what Shar would have you think, I'm not particularly thin right now. Dr EyeCandy doesn't see any problem with my weight, for instance. The GI guy yesterday only asked if I was "comfortable" about my weight, or something like that. If I were thin, I think one or the other might have mentioned it, don't you?)
> Just curious, how good does that sweater look now? Can you talk about it, tell us what it looks like? I'd like to hear about it.
>
> flbHA! OK. It's made from a weird yarn that's shiny and multicolored, a flat tape style yarn that's made in a really interesting kind of a way. I could describe it, but.... The back of the top is plain knit -- since there are about eight colors at short intervals in the yarn, it doesn't need anything more -- and the front is shaped like a double chevron: two downward chevrons, like the points on a vest, and an upward chevron in the center, leading up to a V neck. It's sleeveless, with a deepish V neck, more tank-top than sleeveless shell. The colors are bright. Once the shoulder straps are joined, I'll make an edging to enclose the edges of the armholes and the neckline, using the same yarn. The edging is what's called "idiot cord" -- made pretty much the way those cords through your sweatshirt hood or sweatpant waist are made.
And if it's really awful, I can always rip out the yarn and try again. But I want something I do to turn out right about now, you know? Knowing that I can undo it, that it doesn't have to stay wrong, that it's not irretrievable -- that doesn't help right now. Since everything around me seems to keep turning out badly, I need some sort of success. Hell, I'm not managing successful closure on cleaning the catboxes these days, you know?
Anyway, thanks for asking. Glad you were in the mood for company, too.
Posted by finelinebob on May 13, 2004, at 1:18:36
In reply to The Sweater, posted by Racer on May 12, 2004, at 16:14:46
> I get pretty hot under the collar about DTC advertising
What?! You mean you're not one of those shiny happy people on the Paxil spots? Or a big Zero followed by the bluebird of happiness once you take a Zoloft? And what is it with that poor woman with ADD, and how did the Crunch fitness bunny get into her head?
I just don't see myself in those commercials ... I must be doing something wrong!
aCk! 8*b <-- my Bill the Cat impersonation, btw
> AHA! You've just touched on something there, Mr FineLine. The only way I'm getting through these days is by being as tense as possible ... The best way I can find to describe it is that if I don't have that tension holding my skin over my bones, my skin will just come apart and there'll be nothing holding me together.I would have to wrap my arms around my chest and squeeze. If I let go, I'd unravel. Problem was I'd feel hollow at the same time, so there was also the chance that I'd crush myself.
As Willy Wonka said: "The suspense is terrible. I hope it'll last."
> And if it's really awful, I can always rip out the yarn and try again. But I want something I do to turn out right about now, you know? ... I need some sort of success.So, can you take it 10 or 20 stitches at a time then let us know how you're doing? It sounds like you've got sooooo much of it done already -- I wish you could send us a picture! (not to put any PrEsSuRe on you ... I just loved your description but words can't do it justice, I'm sure!).
That's about how I handle my studying for my real estate class right now -- read 10 or 20 words, go play a game of solitaire, read another 20, go walk my dog.....
> Hell, I'm not managing successful closure on cleaning the catboxes these days, you know?I don't have cats, primarily for THAT very reason! ;^)
Hey ... it's only 2am eastern: Where is everybody?!
flb
This is the end of the thread.
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