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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 9 of 9. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Racer on May 9, 2004, at 11:08:54
This morning I finally figured something out: I'm really angry, and because it's being deflected so much, it's just building up inside me and roiling around and destroying me. Whaddaya know?
For one thing, that 'hypersensitivity' I keep hearing about? It has a very real survival value: I am very sensitive to when other people are a danger to me. I get into trouble when I ignore that feeling -- which I do most of the time, for a lot of reasons -- but if I listened to it, I might be safer overall. So, when I say that I feel as though the doctor was punishing me, maybe it's because I was sensitive to his body language, his demeanor, and maybe he really was punishing me. Will he admit it? Of course not, but the real problem is that I don't trust my therapist to admit that that's a possibility. I have that negative trust that she's going to say that I'm *wrong* about it. In other words, I invalidate myself because everyone around me is invalidating my perceptions and I am so insecure that I believe them. So, what do I do? Learn to ignore those insights into who is a danger to me, so that I can get it *right*? Or do the harder thing: learn that it's not necessarily my failure.
My husband and I have spoken of trying to find another therapist for me, elsewhere. Now, the financial thing is really an issue, so it's not as easy as saying, "Yeah, that's the best thing..." In terms of my care, it is the best thing, but in terms of our survival, it may not be. It's another place where the cure may be as bad as the disease. But I'm thinking harder about it, and it may be what I have to decide to do. Here's the thing: it's not really the money. It *feels* to me that giving up on therapy at this place would be MY failure. Yet another of my failures. Never mind that I *know* they're not helping -- hell, they're harming -- it still *feels* like I'm the one who would fail if I have to change therapists. Don't tell me that's ridiculous, by the way, I already know that. Do tell me if you've experienced the same sort of phenomenon.
My husband says he's never seen me this agitated, and I'm not sleeping well, and feel really lousy. My head hurts, I'm feeling fatter by the second, even though I know that can't be true yet, I feel as if I'm about to explode from the pressure inside me, and I have no confidence whatsoever in anything to do with this drug. When the doctor said that the next step, if this didn't work, was MAOIs -- well, exactly how much honesty can he expect after saying that? I asked about combinations, and he said that they hadn't worked. Well, maybe they would have worked if I'd had some support through the early stages, if I'd been able to get to the therapeutic range? This one is sedating -- I'm feeling quite foggy, despite the agitation -- but I'm not sleeping and feel like a bad special effect in a B grade monster movie from the agitation and anxiety. But ask me again if I'll tell him any of that? So, tell me, with this the gist and sum of it, how I could have any trust or confidence in any of this?
I still haven't decided whether or not to go to my therapy appointment tomorrow. Right now, I think it would be too devastating to hear that I'm fundamentally wrong in all this. For example, "Oh, but the weight gain happens because you eat more and don't exercise..." Oh, that's so helpful. "The doctor cares..." Really? He's like something imaginative in a scifi world: communication comes to a certain distance from him, then stops and gets reflected back. He doesn't listen, he doesn't ask for information, he doesn't communicate. He makes up his mind about what's going on, and goes from there -- without any input from me. He could do our five minutes a month without me being there, so why should I bother to show up?
Heheheh, did I say I was angry? I guess I am. Not only that, I'm venomous today.
There is a good side, though. I got so pissed off at my husband this morning, I stalked up to our bedroom at 7:30 and told him that I was sorry to disturb him, but if I was going to accomplish anything at all today, I had to get started. Then I told him -- again -- that he kept saying he wanted to help, but doing nothing. I told him that he'd promised for three and a half years to take over the vacuuming. I told him that, if he would promise to do it every week, I would try to back away from trying to control when and how it was done -- providing it got done. He's vacuuming now, and I'll do my best to keep my mouth shut about how it's done. Let's see if it happens again.
(You know, I've said it and the therapist has said it and we've both said it a lot: the state of this condo is killing me. It's not on his radar, so it isn't real. But it's killing me. Maybe he'll actually do it this time. Cross your fingers for me on this one.)
I just thought, with all the anguish I offer up here, I oughta try hitting a new note for a change. Hope you're duly appreciative.
Posted by finelinebob on May 9, 2004, at 12:52:19
In reply to Finally something positive from me -- kinda, posted by Racer on May 9, 2004, at 11:08:54
Good for you, Racer! Being one who has put himself through every emotional state EXCEPT anger when it was anger I was really feeling, I know how much of an eye-opener it can be when you finally get to it.
The trick is to not give it back up ... if you're anything like me ;^)
Ridiculous is the last thing I'd say about your feelings about changing therapists. Those feelings are perfectly understandable. Again, this is just me, but if I was as angry as you are, I'd turn it inwards ... even if any rational person would say the OTHER person deserved to be the target of that anger. But being "rational", unfortunately, has nothing to do with it.
aCk! 8*P
So don't think it's ridiculous, if you can avoid it, okay? Yes, it's not CORRECT -- YOU are not the cause or the source of that failure. But I think you've got enough on your plate without feeling ridiculous about feeling this way. Don't take on any blame that belongs on someone else's plate. If you know feeling that way is wrong, see if you can spend some of the energy that anger can generate by taking your sights off yourself and putting them on the real target.
hang in there
flb
Posted by Racer on May 9, 2004, at 15:29:38
In reply to Re: Finally something positive from me -- kinda » Racer, posted by finelinebob on May 9, 2004, at 12:52:19
> Good for you, Racer! Being one who has put himself through every emotional state EXCEPT anger when it was anger I was really feeling, I know how much of an eye-opener it can be when you finally get to it.
>
> The trick is to not give it back up ... if you're anything like me ;^)
>
Heheheh -- do I see you in my mirror every morning? Yes, that is the trick, and that's where I fall apart. I already know, based on my track record, that if my therapist says something invalidating tomorrow, I'll back off, and turn it back on myself -- and make myself BELIEVE it even though I *know* on some level that it just plain ain't so. Um... Isn't that why I'm in therapy in the first place? Because I allow that to happen? Because I can't or don't stand up for myself, make myself heard? Take on what others tell me? So, um, tell me again how this is helping me?
> Ridiculous is the last thing I'd say about your feelings about changing therapists. Those feelings are perfectly understandable. Again, this is just me, but if I was as angry as you are, I'd turn it inwards ... even if any rational person would say the OTHER person deserved to be the target of that anger. But being "rational", unfortunately, has nothing to do with it.
>
> aCk! 8*P
>
> So don't think it's ridiculous, if you can avoid it, okay? Yes, it's not CORRECT -- YOU are not the cause or the source of that failure. But I think you've got enough on your plate without feeling ridiculous about feeling this way. Don't take on any blame that belongs on someone else's plate. If you know feeling that way is wrong, see if you can spend some of the energy that anger can generate by taking your sights off yourself and putting them on the real target.
>
> hang in there
> flbI posted to you over on Psychology in response to your post about Rationality. I hope some of it gets through to Rod -- why do I always feel he's stirring the pot? -- and I think it's a great topic. Thank you for responding here. I wish I felt any confidence in myself in being able to communicate with the therapist tomorrow. (You know, it seems as if there's something fundamentally wrong with the process if I say things like that, doesn't it?)
Posted by finelinebob on May 9, 2004, at 16:26:19
In reply to Re: Finally something positive from me -- kinda, posted by Racer on May 9, 2004, at 15:29:38
> I posted to you over on Psychology in response to your post about Rationality. I hope some of it gets through to Rod -- why do I always feel he's stirring the pot?
He is. I think he's thought and struggled with these issues for a long time and he's realizing it is well worth the effort, so he wants to get those of us accepting things at face value unquestioningly to start questioning. Good on him!
>I wish I felt any confidence in myself in being able to communicate with the therapist tomorrow. (You know, it seems as if there's something fundamentally wrong with the process if I say things like that, doesn't it?)
Hmm. Maybe. It depends how psychodynamic your therapist is. Mine would call b*llsh*t on it and say yes, there is something wrong, if it was happening between her and one of her patients. This woman I was dating in a past life who also happened to be a slave to the Gospel of Freud (something Freud certainly wasn't guilty of ... most of the time), well, she'd say that you're projecting, you're supposed to be projecting, and she's supposed to goad you on until you come to grips with it.
You may understand why I eventually RAN away from THAT relationship!
Try this. It's what I call my "Blow Sunshine Up Your Butt" method. During a particularly frustrating portion of my grad studies, I discovered that repeating a certain mystical mantra over and over simply made it so. The mantra? "I have a cheerful and sunny disposition!" Whenever my advisor would pull yet another boneheaded stunt, I would just chant to myself "I have a cheerful and sunny disposition!" five or six or, er, twenty times, and eventually a smile would appear on my face! My disposition truly became cheerful and sunny!
Now, I'm not saying that you need the same mantra. Hmm ... where's Stuart Smalley when you need him? ... "I know how I feel better than anybody, including my therapist!" Try that one out. Repeat it with a smile on your face ... you DO know that exercising those smile muscles releases happy hormones, right? If not, I think the "I have a cheerful and sunny disposition!" mantra is applicable to just about any situation, so keep it as a backup.
flb
PS. Sit quietly for five minutes, silently chanting "I have a cheerful and sunny disposition!" Having done so, I think you'll find that there are few things you can do in your life that qualify as "ridiculous" in comparison. =^)
Posted by Racer on May 9, 2004, at 17:37:48
In reply to Re: Finally something positive from me -- kinda, posted by finelinebob on May 9, 2004, at 16:26:19
> > I posted to you over on Psychology in response to your post about Rationality. I hope some of it gets through to Rod -- why do I always feel he's stirring the pot?
>
> He is. I think he's thought and struggled with these issues for a long time and he's realizing it is well worth the effort, so he wants to get those of us accepting things at face value unquestioningly to start questioning. Good on him!
>OK, new perspective for me. I'm taking it in, though.
I think I get irritated both because it comes across as a One Size Fits All and because it really fits into the whole thing I go through in blaming myself for everything no matter what happens. And, of course, because I do believe that I am an animal. When I was younger, I truly believed that if I could only think right and not feel, I could be free of the distress I felt. Look where that landed me! The older I get the more I respect the fact that I'm an animal made up of a brain, a mind, and a body, and they all work together.
I still struggle a lot, though, with the "well, if you know how it's supposed to be done, why don't you just do it?" voices. You know, "Well, you know you're supposed to eat more, so why don't you just eat more?" It sometimes brings me to tears when I confront food, it's that strong. But, obviously, there are conflicting forces that are stronger, and I haven't learned to deal with them yet. I don't know if it'll always be such a struggle for me, but I assume it is likely to be. (And the weight gain from meds really does become an overwhelming issue for me, as you can imagine.)
So, I will work at incorporating that new perspective. (See: "In-corp-orate" Corpus = body, right? I will take that new perspective into my BODY.)
Thanks. And welcome back.
Posted by shar on May 9, 2004, at 22:28:20
In reply to Re: Finally something positive from me -- kinda, posted by Racer on May 9, 2004, at 17:37:48
> I posted to you over on Psychology in response to your post about Rationality. I hope some of it gets through to Rod -- why do I always feel he's stirring the pot?
..........Racer, I agree he stirs the pot but not in a way that appeals to me...It could be that I have yet another deficiency in not 'getting' him.
.............I like your anger. And the one size fits all is so appropriate.>>When I was younger, I truly believed that if I could only think right and not feel, I could be free of the distress I felt.
..................Oh, you are so right! I tried that for a number of years! (Like a decade) It didn't work then, either.
.......Racer, as to the comments below, ANYthing that will get you to eat more is ok with me. Carbs, not carbs, whatever....I only know I'm almost a foot shorter than you and weigh more, and I'm not fat. (I'm not a skinny model either) But, I want you to have food. You are not ready for end-of-life care, and as a hospice volunteer, I can almost guarantee that (every Monday, people die around me--my S.O. asks, "Were they found trying to get out their window when they heard you were coming?").
> I still struggle a lot, though, with the "well, if you know how it's supposed to be done, why don't you just do it?" voices. You know, "Well, you know you're supposed to eat more, so why don't you just eat more?".....Corpus, body. Yeah I don't live too far from Corpus Christi. Guess what that is? Body of Christ! Yikes! I don't know I could even live there because I am so bad!
>
> So, I will work at incorporating that new perspective. (See: "In-corp-orate" Corpus = body, right? I will take that new perspective into my BODY.)
>
...........xoxo
...........Shar
Posted by finelinebob on May 10, 2004, at 17:33:46
In reply to Re: Finally something positive from me -- kinda, posted by Racer on May 9, 2004, at 15:29:38
Definite pot-stirring ;^)
Posted by Racer on May 10, 2004, at 19:03:08
In reply to Racer ... you were right, I was wrong, posted by finelinebob on May 10, 2004, at 17:33:46
I'm always right -- just ask me.
Seriously, you've been away a while, so you probably hadn't come across him much since you've been back. I don't usually read his posts, dunno why I did this time, but those I've read have all read the same way to me.
Anyway, lemme say it again: I'm glad you're back.
Posted by finelinebob on May 10, 2004, at 21:58:19
In reply to You must not remember me... » finelinebob, posted by Racer on May 10, 2004, at 19:03:08
> I'm always right -- just ask me.
I know, I should have known. I'm not married, though, so as a male I keep forgetting my place.
=^P ;^)
flb
This is the end of the thread.
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