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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 7 of 7. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Racer on April 16, 2004, at 12:52:53
I'll have to give the whole story later, because I just don't have it in me right now to do it. The problem is that I really don't have any faith whatsoever in the county system, after experiencing it. At this point, I would rather die than go into the hospital and go through the same thing I went through last time. It's like they raise my hopes, telling me over and over again that they'll help me, and then when I start to believe them they cry, "Faked you out!" and all laugh. Why would I want to go through that again?
On the other hand, I don't know if I can handle anything at all anymore. I know I can't take another day like yesterday, but I don't see any helpful alternatives. Euthanesia is about the best option I can see, but I don't have the means -- SO NO POLICE, PLEASE -- and I can't even say if that's really what I want.
So, the hospital would provide a break from all this. It wouldn't be a restful break, because I'd worry about all the things my husband isn't doing -- like taking care of my sick cat and the cat boxes -- but it would remove me from an untenable situation. On the othr hand, I don't eat hospital food, and my husband, even if he would bring food for me, would do his typical thing: stop at a fast food restaurant and pick something up, then drive around doing errands for an hour or so with it sitting in the car, getting cold and congealing with grease so that it's inedible. So, I could get a food-free break from my life, with a side order of worries.
Which should I choose? The hell behind door number one, or the horrors of curtain two?
Posted by judy1 on April 16, 2004, at 14:08:44
In reply to Whether or not to take a vacation in hospital?, posted by Racer on April 16, 2004, at 12:52:53
like you I absolutely abhor psych hospitals. because it's always an involuntary hold, I feel trapped and have never benefitted except for a cessation of manic symptoms (because of forced medications). so obviously I'm biased. if I was in your situation, I would call a good friend (or in my case probably my sister) and ask if I could stay for a few days/week just to get away. is that something that you can consider?
hope you feel better soon, judy
Posted by noa on April 17, 2004, at 8:24:08
In reply to Whether or not to take a vacation in hospital?, posted by Racer on April 16, 2004, at 12:52:53
Racer, how awful this is for you.
As you said on another board, you have responded to meds before. But you had some problems with the meds and bigger problems with the doctor when you tried to talk to him about the issues you had with the meds. I think that's when you decided to go off the meds.
But you need meds.
My suggestion is this--get the name of a REALLY GOOD psychiatrist. One who specializes in psychopharmacology and who is known to be respectful of patients and who works collaboratively with his/her patients, and has worked with people who have had refractory depression.
Go to such a doctor for a short-term consultation. Have this doctor recommend a med strategy for you. Work with this doctor on a short term basis, to get stabilized on meds. Tell him or her right up front about your financial situation and that for long term care, you are going to need him/her to do this consultation and then refer you to a doctor who is in the county system (or some other system that is financially flexible) for the ongoing maintenance treatment.
You deserve a really good doctor and good care. I know it is financially difficult to attain it, but I really think you should at least get a short term consult from a good doctor to get you started.
Sending you a hug and some hope.
Noa
Posted by SLS on April 17, 2004, at 9:02:54
In reply to Whether or not to take a vacation in hospital?, posted by Racer on April 16, 2004, at 12:52:53
Hi Racer.
> On the other hand, I don't know if I can handle anything at all anymore. I know I can't take another day like yesterday, but I don't see any helpful alternatives.
What was it about yesterday that you can't take one more day of?
You seem overwhelmed. It does sound like you could use a vacation from your present situation. These illnesses rarely allow for respite, though, regardless of where one tries to run for escape. But the worst of times usually pass, don't they? They must, or you would have been gone long ago, right?
You need a break to recharge your batteries.
Are there specific stressors that you can identify as being most responsible for your current distress or does it feel like you are being drowned by everything all at once? Is there anything you can do to reduce the anxiety, even if only temporarily? Reducing anxiety is crucial. It will allow you to organize your thoughts and see things more clearly.
> Euthanesia is about the best option I can see,
I know the feeling. You do need to work to find some others, though. Do you feel that there is anyone in your life capable of understanding your condition and with whom you can work to establish a plan as to what to do next? I know that it helps me to at least have a plan. If there is no one in your life to help you do this, perhaps you can reach out to local social services. It sounds like you need support from professionals. It is out there. If the only place you can find it right now is in the hospital, then perhaps that is what is best for you at this juncture. You need to do something different than what you have done in the past, even if that is to simply research and choose a different hospital, facility, or program to invest yourself in.
> Which should I choose? The hell behind door number one, or the horrors of curtain two?
Neither. Start laying down the bricks one by one and begin to construct a path of your own. I know, I know. Pollyanna. Maybe everything I said is complete rubbish. I guess I hope for you what I hope for myself.
- Scott
Posted by Racer on April 17, 2004, at 13:12:52
In reply to Re: Whether or not to take a vacation in hospital? » Racer, posted by noa on April 17, 2004, at 8:24:08
My husband came home early on Thursday, saying first that he came home because he was worried about me, then admitting that the company he just started working for had shut down. They shut down because they decided it was too expensive to have a US office, because health insurance was just too expensive. They didn't even tell the head of the US division that they'd made the decision about the same time the US office opened.
So, while getting to a "real" doctor would be nice, it really doesn't look as if it's possible.
Another Bad Thing happened on Friday. I have been having pretty horrible stomach pain, and the doctors at Planned Parenthood -- the only option for primary care available to me right now -- had ordered an ultrasound to check my gallbladder. Well, apparently my gallbladder is fine. They did find some problems on my liver, though, and the radiologist kept asking Hepatitis C questions, and saying pretty specifically that that's what he thought it was. Now, I donated blood regularly until we moved here, and I think PP did a liver panel including all the Hepatitis flavors that came back normal, but it's still pretty damn frightening. Honestly, I think I'd prefer liver cancer, since at least then I'd know the outcome. (And don't bring up transplants -- I could donate an organ, but I couldn't accept a donated organ. Belief systems don't have to make sense to anyone else, you know? Hearing someone try to convince me to change my belief system is pretty much akin to telling me to change my religion.) Of course it happened on a Friday, when there's no way to get more info from the clinic. Instead, it's more time to worry.
Our marriage counselor had my husband call to see if the current pdoc could see me on an emergency basis during our session yesterday. He did manage to get my next appointment moved up, but now I still can't make myself go in there. It's one of those things where if I had a support system in place to help me, I could probably get over it, but since there's no such system, I can't face it alone, and I am so overwhelmed by it all. I managed to hold off on calling to cancel that appointment yesterday, but I don't think I can make it there. I just can't do it alone, and that's all I am right now.
Despite all the good reasons to avoid the hospital, it's starting to look pretty good to me. Considering how many really good reasons I have for not wanting to go there, it's looking as if it might be the best thing.
On the other hand, I really and truly do not want to go through all the hell of adverse reactions to medications alone, and that's what would happen when I got out anyway. Not to mention all the problems trying to get decent therapy in the present system.
If there's no help available to me, I really wish they'd stop telling me that there is and that it's just me refusing to respond appropriately. I wish they'd be honest and tell me that they can't help me and they wish me luck.
Posted by shar on April 17, 2004, at 20:51:07
In reply to The whole picture got worse » noa, posted by Racer on April 17, 2004, at 13:12:52
>Of course it happened on a Friday, when there's no way to get more info from the clinic. Instead, it's more time to worry.
.........I hear that! When I tried to get my son into the psych hosp it was a Friday....no way!>
>I still can't make myself go in there. It's one of those things where if I had a support system in place to help me, I could probably get over it, but since there's no such system, I can't face it alone, and I am so overwhelmed by it all. I managed to hold off on calling to cancel that appointment yesterday, but I don't think I can make it there..........Does the PB support system not help at all? You have me, and many others (blocked and non-blocked) rooting for you, and praying, wishing you the best, sending good vibes....whatever the method--the hope is you'll be here Monday.
> Despite all the good reasons to avoid the hospital, it's starting to look pretty good to me. Considering how many really good reasons I have for not wanting to go there, it's looking as if it might be the best thing.
>
.......I say, then, go for it! What do you have to lose?! The worst case would be coming out feeling the same way you felt going in. And, you just never know; it could be you'll come out feeling better.> On the other hand, I really and truly do not want to go through all the hell of adverse reactions to medications alone, and that's what would happen when I got out anyway. Not to mention all the problems trying to get decent therapy in the present system.
........((Racer)) none of us want the hell of adverse reactions nor do we want the hell of 'life as it is now.' But...you should give it a shot! If I had that option I'd do it right now. Plus, you are under a size 12 AND less than 50 years old! Who knows what could happen?
> If there's no help available to me, I really wish they'd stop telling me that there is and that it's just me refusing to respond appropriately. I wish they'd be honest and tell me that they can't help me and they wish me luck...........but...but...it seems that there IS help available. Maybe not a cure, maybe AWFUL food, maybe not even much of a help, but I think you should give it a try. You are so smart, wonderful, witty and important, how can you think it does not matter whether or not you are here?!
.........Plus, I would miss you TOO much if you were not around! AND having you around AND happy?? Wow, what a treat that would be!! (So long as you checked in once in a while.)
.........We've been around for a while now, us 2000'ders, and we'd set such a bad example if we just up and checked out. I'm also hanging on with fingertips, so please hang with me.
xoxo
The saddest Shar at just the thought of no more Racer!
Posted by noa on April 22, 2004, at 21:31:36
In reply to The whole picture got worse » noa, posted by Racer on April 17, 2004, at 13:12:52
Racer--tonight is the first moment I've had to go online since last Saturday. I'm so sorry---this means I didn't respond to you all this time.
I'm concerned--you don't appear to have been here since then.
I'm so sorry about all the awful things happening. I don't know what I can say to comfort you. I want you to know that I and many people really care about you, though.
((((Thinking of you and sending wishes for better everything.))))
This is the end of the thread.
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