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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 9 of 9. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by shar on April 12, 2004, at 23:32:28
My T, who has been seeing me for free for over a year, and I have been talking about ending therapy for awhile now. She has also been seeing me and my S.O. for over a year--for no charge.
It is totally appropriate (*totally*) that we end it. Only, well, it is so reminiscent of an end. As in, the end of all things. As in, my father's death when I was a teen. As in, Scruffles' death (for you animal lovers out there). As in, deeply painful, like losing the mother I never had. My T was always in my corner. I learned from her that a fight did not always mean abandonment. And, that I could be responsible for my actions without necessarily having to hate myself because of them.
And so much more.
God, how I will miss her. I tried to convince her that one last session of me weeping the whole time would be useless. She, as usual, asked "can't you listen when you're crying?" And, yes, I can, but will it do any good. She thought it might, and I trust her.
OK, the upshot of it all is I have one more session with her. How can I do more than weep at the loss I feel? Someone who loves me, nudges me, expects the best of me, loves me in spite of my human foibles? What agony is worse than losing that? That which I never had except for with her?
Oh, well. My fallback is suicide. And, that is the real world. I'm not there now. Maybe I never will be (hahahahahaha). She kept me alive past 50. I'm 52 now. Well, never mind all that. Perhaps I should just say this is one more loss, yet another death, in my life.
I'm just spouting off. I'll probably be around until a massive coronary (I hope) or cancer takes me. No big rush to call the cops or anything. Only me.
Thanking anyone who hears all this,
Shar
Posted by Rach on April 13, 2004, at 2:45:17
In reply to Another Loss, posted by shar on April 12, 2004, at 23:32:28
Shar, you're looking at it the wrong way. This is AMAZING! You're at a point in your life where you are strong enough to not only contemplate ending the sessions, but to actually being doing it. Go girl! You should be so proud of yourself for making it all this way, for being at a point where you have made this decision. This is a SUPERB thing. This isn't a loss - you have gained, you have gained courage, and strength, and independence, and the belief in yourself to do it alone.
It's not even a loss of this person. If things ever get that bad, you can go back. You can come back to T if you need it. Be so so happy that you don't need this right now, even if you do want it.
I know none of that will make it any easier. But at least you know I'm listening, and I'm sorry that you feel this way. Loss is horrible. It perhaps is a loss, a death, but a death of that despairing, horrid time in your life, which is a death worth celebrating.
Posted by Racer on April 13, 2004, at 9:41:28
In reply to Another Loss, posted by shar on April 12, 2004, at 23:32:28
Dear Shar,
I didn't want to answer this one, but not responding didn't seem fair to you. You already know a bit about what I'm going through, with feeling as if I'm not being heard by anyone around me, and feeling patronized when people say things like, "I want to honor your feelings..." I didn't want to answer this because I was afraid of giving you that same feeling by anything I wrote.
But, since you do matter to me, I'm going to try.
Reading your post, I can feel how traumatic that would feel for me. Rationally, it's easy to say that it's a sign of how much progress you've made -- and I'm sure that part of you can see that. That rational part, though, must be being drowned out by the keening wails of an abandoned child, screaming for comfort. That's a terrible feeling, and one that often leaves me hiding under the bed (emotionally -- can't really get under there, too many boxes...) I'm so sorry that you're experiencing this, and wish there was something I could do to help you through it.
On the other hand, I also know that you can get through it. I know that you're a woman -- by definition much stronger and more resiliant than any man. (<< Guess how I'm feeling about men these days?) OK, let's try that again: I know that you, personally, are a strong, smart, resiliant woman with many, many tools to help you emerge from adversity much stronger than before. I also know, or at least extrapolate from my own experiences, that it sure doesn't feel worth it when something like this happens.
Keep in mind that you have strong thoughts coming to you from California. Keep in mind that you can always write to me, or to another nameless correspondent just down the coast. Keep in mind that there's a lot of support for you here on this board. And keep in mind that you know how bad it feels, and that anyone who says it shouldn't feel bad is trying to help -- even if it doesn't.
Dear Shar, I hope that helps a little. You can call your T if things get bad, but you can also use this as an opportunity to try to make a similar relationship with someone else in Real Life, or create that relationship with yourself. And you have my deepest sympathy for your loss.
Posted by noa on April 13, 2004, at 10:24:31
In reply to Another Loss, posted by shar on April 12, 2004, at 23:32:28
Oh, Shar, what can I say?
I know this is an incredible, immense loss for you. It isn't "reminiscent" of a loss--it is a loss.
But like Rach said, your T is still "there". You know where to find her if you need a booster shot at some point, yes?
Your post moved me so much. You wrote so much from your heart in a way I hadn't seen in a long while from you. You allowed yourself to really express true emotions, and eloquently so.
This is a sign of health and strength, I believe.
And you know how much I appreciate the reassurances that you aren't about to go to "plan B". (I hope your reassurances are genuine, and not just to assuage us over here in cyberland.)
You are a wonderful person, Shar.
Is it possible to ask your T for some kind of "transitional object" to take with you? Maybe a photo? And can you write down some of the therapeutic things she "would say at a time like this" so you can refer to them for encouragement when you need to?
Consider yourself hugged. You can do this. It's hard and sad and painful, but you can do this.
(((((SHAR)))))
Posted by shar on April 13, 2004, at 22:49:48
In reply to Another Loss, posted by shar on April 12, 2004, at 23:32:28
Thank you all for your responses. You all made good points for me to consider which I appreciate.
I suppose I could see a more positive side if I were leaving therapy voluntarily, instead of because I can't pay for it. My T has been totally generous, and we both thought that things would turn around for me financially so I could pay her, but they have not turned around, so we are ending therapy.
I really don't know how I'll make it, but I'm sure I will; it just won't be a pleasant journey. Noa, my reassurances about not checking out right now are genuine. So, not to worry.
Thanks again, y'all, for the comforting and encouraging words.
xoxo
Shar
Posted by Rach on April 14, 2004, at 2:58:58
In reply to Voluntary vs. not, posted by shar on April 13, 2004, at 22:49:48
Oh, I'm so sorry Shar. Ignore my post. I kind of missed the point, I thought it was more voluntary than a money thing. I'm sorry if I made you feel like your feelings and emotions aren't valid.
I'm sorry this is happening.
Posted by coral on April 14, 2004, at 5:33:38
In reply to Another Loss, posted by shar on April 12, 2004, at 23:32:28
Dearest Shar,
My heart goes out to you . . . . ((((((((((((Shar)))))))))))))
xoxoxo
Coral
Posted by shar on April 14, 2004, at 12:50:26
In reply to Re: Voluntary vs. not, posted by Rach on April 14, 2004, at 2:58:58
Rach,
No worries. When I read my original post again it was obvious to me I had been unclear as to why I was leaving [I am going to have to give up the notion that y'all can read my mind!]. I appreciate the well-wishes and enthusiasm of your reply, though, and it is exactly the attitude I'd want to have if circumstances were different.Take good care,
Shar
Posted by judy1 on April 15, 2004, at 17:59:31
In reply to Voluntary vs. not, posted by shar on April 13, 2004, at 22:49:48
I'm really sorry shar, and please know I understand because I'm going through the same feelings of abandonment with my pdoc terminating me and quite honestly it sucks. I cried for the complete final sessions also- it's exhausting, isn't it? Has she offered to talk to you occasionally on the phone? or e-mail? Mine did, and I'm on day 21 of no contact- must be a pride thing. I guess the only positive I can offer is I am honestly feeling less pain now than I did 3 weeks ago. it really is one day at a time. in retrospect, I'm grateful for what I gained the last 4 years with him- it sounds like you're already at that stage. sometimes our losses get all tangled up and it seems like too much, but just like you grieved for all your other losses, you have to grieve for this one.
be kind to yourself- judy
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