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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 14 of 14. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by shar on February 23, 2004, at 21:04:18
I just don't want to be here anymore. I'm over 50. There ain't much more to it than that.
[No, don't call out the dogs, I'm not gonna do it. But, I don't want to be here anymore.]
I really need that doggy brain transplant BAD.
Shar
Posted by allisonm on February 23, 2004, at 23:32:25
In reply to Gee willikers, guys..., posted by shar on February 23, 2004, at 21:04:18
Aw, shoot. You're part of what keeps me going...if you can make it to 50(+), then I think well, maybe I can too (not that I have that far to go, but still). Shar, you have it more together than you may think (IMHO). You are a wise woman! Keep going!
P.S.: I think, as a cat owner, that I would rather have a kitty-brain transplant... they feel less obligated to their owners, I think.
Posted by coral on February 24, 2004, at 5:51:37
In reply to Gee willikers, guys..., posted by shar on February 23, 2004, at 21:04:18
Dearest Shar,
Dearest, dearest Shar....... my heart goes out to you........
((((((((((((((Shar)))))))))))))
Coral
Posted by Racer on February 24, 2004, at 11:58:02
In reply to Re: Gee willikers, guys..., posted by allisonm on February 23, 2004, at 23:32:25
I'm all for kitty-brain transplants, too. My little cat is happy as a clam at high tide watching the light rail vehicles go by, licking her chops thinking about catching one. She also enjoys back-surfing (lying on the floor with all four legs -- and her tail, no less -- up in the air), and carrying tinselly green balls around in her mouth. *MY* cat, on the other hand, is currently whiny and clingy, because I'm in such bad shape right now. Of course, I'm not complaining at all, because I feel so bad, it's so very good to have him cuddling me as often as he can.
But all things considered, I'd rather have a kitty brain than a doggy brain, just because I think cats have a greater ability to entertain themselves when no one else is there to help -- oh, yeah, and because they sleep 70% of the time, just like me...
Posted by allisonm on February 24, 2004, at 19:38:22
In reply to Maybe your cat... » allisonm, posted by Racer on February 24, 2004, at 11:58:02
*My* cats sit on me when they think I'm sad, and they all pile on the bed when I go to bed at night and in the morning they wake me up by sitting next to my head and staring at me or licking my face. One likes to back surf like yours...must be the solar cells on their tummies. And they all know the best sun spots for afternoon naps...no Ativan required.
And, yes! What great imaginations! Attacking invisible things and killing them! Ophelia, the back surfer who also plays catch with me (ie, catches toys I throw to her in mid air with both her paws), was trying to convince me tonight that she likes carrot and celery sticks too. That's way more imagination than I can muster. I can't imagine eating Fancy Feast...
Posted by noa on February 24, 2004, at 19:51:20
In reply to Gee willikers, guys..., posted by shar on February 23, 2004, at 21:04:18
Shar, you ARE wonderful! You are so important to so many people.
I'm glad you aren't going to act on the feelings, but I am sad that you are feeling that way right now. Damn. Damn. Damn. You deserve better.
How about just acting like the dog or cat in the sense of just ignoring the stupid human stuff because you'd rather just lie around appreciating the basic creature comforts without having to worry about all that other stuff? Take on the cat/dog attitude, if you will! Play it for a day or two and see what happens! (but do continue to use the WC for the biz) : )
Posted by shar on February 24, 2004, at 19:56:49
In reply to Re: Gee willikers, guys... » shar, posted by noa on February 24, 2004, at 19:51:20
...however, I'm not too much a cat person. I give my heart to pets, and dogs are the most likely to care for it. In my experience.
Still just want to GO, and get OUTTA this place. However, Noa, perhaps I CAN just take a dog attitude. But I know I can't.
I appreciate the responses, very much. But, really, I just want to GO.
Shar
Posted by Racer on February 24, 2004, at 21:53:05
In reply to good suggestions, guys..., posted by shar on February 24, 2004, at 19:56:49
I'm feeling about that way, too. I've had my chance, it's time to step away from the table and give my space to another player. Right now, I'm in that space where I can't talk to people, speech is too difficult for me to manage, but I can still type. Today, amongst other things, I've been trying to define what I feel. As you have probably gathered, that's not my forte. So, I make up word pictures of what it feels like. Often, I find that it's much easier for me to deal with it once it's defined.
(In the '89 earthquake here in CA, I was in a car, someone else driving, on a bridge that has always scared me. I was totally hysterical, thinking the bridge was collapsing because of the traffic load for the World Series. You know what happened? Guy in the car ahead of us said, "It's an earthquake," and everything was fine again. I know about earthquakes, I know what you do in an earthquake, I know I can live through an earthquake, I know that earthquakes are scary but not generally all that dangerous. As soon as it was defined for me, I could handle it.)
So, would you like to play a little game with me? Maybe others would join in, too? We could make a game of trying to express what we're feeling in little word pictures and see if it helps?
In case you're interested, I feel like an overblown balloon. So much pressure inside, barely contained, and if I relax at all I'll blow apart. I also feel like a blown egg: hollow, with a fragile outer layer, like a shell. Hollow, in this case, because everything inside me has been eaten away.
What else, you ask? Lots, but that's the overriding sensation right now. If you offer anything up, I'll match ya right back. If you don't think this is a game for you, that's fine, too.
Meanwhile, don't you realize you've helped save my life, and my cat's life? My life might not be worth all that much right now, but you should get to know my cat. He's wonderful, and such a boon to the world. Your impact on him is incalculable. I'm profoundly grateful to you for helping keep him with me, by keeping me here to treat him for his kidney disease. Thank you.
Posted by allisonm on February 24, 2004, at 22:47:47
In reply to Gee willikers, guys..., posted by shar on February 23, 2004, at 21:04:18
Posted by Racer on February 25, 2004, at 1:09:20
In reply to Shar, can you give us a good rant? (nm), posted by allisonm on February 24, 2004, at 22:47:47
Posted by shar on February 25, 2004, at 14:41:20
In reply to How's this for a game for you » shar, posted by Racer on February 24, 2004, at 21:53:05
Well, I will try to visually impart how I feel. I don't think I could manage a rant or soliloquy.
A container of toxic waste floating down the beautiful blue ocean, as the pressure increases the toxic waste leaks out, black and heavy. Eventually, the container is squeezed to nothing by the water pressure, and all around it is polluted and dying.
Pretty wordy, but it's my first time.....
Shar
Posted by Racer on February 25, 2004, at 16:11:08
In reply to Re: How's this for a game for you » Racer, posted by shar on February 25, 2004, at 14:41:20
That, my dear one, is exactly how to do it right! I have such empathy for the feelings you expressed -- I often feel as if I'm some sort of toxic waste poisoning my environment and everything in it. (I used to joke that I was a carrier for marriage: Every man I ever broke up with married soon afterwards, and would make sure to tell me how happy he was. Reinforcing my feeling that *I* was poisoning all my relationships with perfectly good men.)
Now for the much harder question, dear one: How do you feel after writing something so evocative? How do you feel about being able to read over your words? Did it help at all? Does it help to know that your feeling is shared? (You know that joke, "But enough about me, how do *you* feel about me?" That's what it feels like to me to ask that last question... Guess I'll have to take my act to the Catskills next...)
I find that putting these feelings into words, while it's kinda sorta part of what makes me sick, by trying to process in words what really isn't verbal, it helps me put a safety gate of sorts around the hard feelings, so that they're not so overwhelming. Instead of being deluged by the gaping, bottomless pit of need, I can see one part of it -- and then it looks do-able. I really hope that trying it out helped you in a similar way.
Take it for what it's worth, shar, but this crazy woman over here thinks you're worth every atom of oxygen you consume and more. Thank you for all you've done in the past, all the things I may have been too sick to acknowledge at the time, and all the things you continue to do for me, and for all of us. You are a blessing in my life.
Posted by noa on February 25, 2004, at 16:47:12
In reply to Re: How's this for a game for you » Racer, posted by shar on February 25, 2004, at 14:41:20
Shar, your image reminds me of some of my own issues. Not only that my existence can feel really painful, but that I often feel (or shall I say that deep down, I always carry the feeling that) I am horribly toxic to other people. Hence, the distance I tend to maintain.
I understand from the image why you feel the urge to hasten the end. I do NOT want you to act on that feeling, as you know. But if you see yourself as moving toward the end anyway and poisoning the environment around you as you do, I think I understand the urge.
But let me tell you--you are not toxic. You are so amazingly wonderful, such an important person to a lot of people, to me, to Babble. You are wise and funny and supportive and key to this community. You are also feisty and spirited and I admire you so much you can't even begin to imagine.
Shar, I know the pain is a lingering one that has haunted you for a long time, but it seems to be pressing down harder right now. Is there anything that has happened recently or is happening to cause that? Is this time of year a diffciult one for any reason? I know these things can be totally random, but sometimes there are connections to what is going on or to anniversary reactions.
Talk to us, rant, rave, shout, whatever--tell us.
Posted by shar on February 26, 2004, at 12:36:26
In reply to Gee willikers, guys..., posted by shar on February 23, 2004, at 21:04:18
STREETS OF PHILADELPHIA
I was bruised and battered and I couldn't tell
what I felt
I was unrecognizable to myself
Saw my reflection in a window I didn't know
my own face
Oh brother are you gonna leave me
wasting away
On the streets of PhiladelphiaI walked the avenue till my legs felt like stone
I heard the voices of friends vanished and gone
At night I could hear the blood in my veins
Just as black and whispering as the rain
On the streets of PhiladelphiaAin't no angel gonna greet me
It's just you and I my friend
And my clothes don't fit me no more
I walked a thousand miles
just to slip this skinThe night has fallen, I'm lyin' awake
I can feel myself fading away
So receive me brother with your faithless kiss
or will we leave each other alone like this
On the streets of Philadelphia
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Although we associate this song and the lyrics with AIDS and the movie Philadelphia (which I loved and was taken away with), it is also a wonderful description of how I am. The first time I heard it, it touched me strongly...maybe because it is also about leaving, no matter what the cause.
Shar
This is the end of the thread.
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