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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 25 of 45. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by special_k on March 23, 2006, at 22:11:56
sad o r bad or something...
:-(
Posted by rjlockhart on March 23, 2006, at 22:16:16
In reply to i feel..., posted by special_k on March 23, 2006, at 22:11:56
What happened, was it a sudden chemical change, or did something happen. I hate chemical changes [rapid ones]
Think of something that makes you feel enjoyable.
Anyways, hope you feel better,
Praying for a Serotonin and Dopamine neurotransmitter boost
Matt
Posted by special_k on March 23, 2006, at 22:18:42
In reply to Re: i feel..., posted by rjlockhart on March 23, 2006, at 22:16:16
hey :-)
> What happened, was it a sudden chemical change, or did something happen. I hate chemical changes [rapid ones]
dunno.
:-(
been up and down and up and down and up and down. not manic up but normal im okay kind of then not ok then ok then not ok.i not ok
:-(
> Think of something that makes you feel enjoyable.hmm.
(((rj)))
nice to be talking with you :-)
> Anyways, hope you feel better,thanks. i hope i feel better too.
> Praying for a Serotonin and Dopamine neurotransmitter boostthanks.
Posted by Damos on March 23, 2006, at 22:19:40
In reply to i feel..., posted by special_k on March 23, 2006, at 22:11:56
> sad o r bad or something...
>
> :-(How come, hope you didn't catch it from my thread :-(
(((((special_k)))))
Glad you chose that name :-)
Posted by special_k on March 23, 2006, at 22:27:23
In reply to Re: i feel... » special_k, posted by Damos on March 23, 2006, at 22:19:40
don't know :-(
should be working :-(but feel bad for calves
and peoples dying from war and no water and chemicals and phosporous and not getting drugs and stuff :-(
and peoples being blocked :-(regressing to stage two or something...
(so there kohlberg)
blocks are bad cause blocks HURT
more than most people who are infringed against
blocks HURT more:-(
Posted by Deneb on March 23, 2006, at 22:43:08
In reply to Re: i feel..., posted by special_k on March 23, 2006, at 22:27:23
(((((special k)))))
Trying to make sense of the world can get depressing.
I like to suspense my disbelief at times.
Deneb*
Posted by Phillipa on March 23, 2006, at 22:47:22
In reply to Re: i feel... » special_k, posted by Deneb on March 23, 2006, at 22:43:08
Special K just remember that you are a very special person and very smart and talented. A lot of people have a lot of respect for you here and value your opinion very much. Sorry your feeling sad. Love Phillipa
Posted by muffled on March 23, 2006, at 22:52:25
In reply to Re: i feel... » special_k, posted by Damos on March 23, 2006, at 22:19:40
How come, hope you didn't catch it from my thread :-(
***What thread?
(((Damos)))
Posted by Damos on March 23, 2006, at 22:54:06
In reply to Re: i feel..., posted by special_k on March 23, 2006, at 22:27:23
> don't know :-(
Now there's something I'm familiar with
> should be working :-(
Hmm, me too, but you're more important :-) way more.
> but feel bad for calvesBaby moo cows? I've missed something here...okay more than usual, why are you sad for the calves? Baby mookeys are just sweet, sweet bubbas
> and peoples dying from war and no water and chemicals and phosporous and not getting drugs and stuff :-(
Me too, and the peoples effected by Cyclone Larry in QLD :-( White phosphorous is hideous and cruel and they've known it since Korea and yeah the other stuff too makes me sad and mad
> and peoples being blocked :-(
> regressing to stage two or something...
> (so there kohlberg)
> blocks are bad cause blocks HURT
> more than most people who are infringed against
> blocks HURT more
>
> :-(Can't argue with that. They have and they do and every time it happens peoples get their wounds re-opened and get hurt all over again and that's not right :-(
(((((special_k)))))
Posted by muffled on March 23, 2006, at 22:56:37
In reply to i feel..., posted by special_k on March 23, 2006, at 22:11:56
> sad o r bad or something...
>
> :-(***Sorry you sad, but you sure ain't bad. You've said lotsa good stuff and encouraged me lots. So don't be dissing yourself cuz then I'll have to fly to where you are and tell you off or something!!!!
Take care.
Damos, it was proly my stupid whining on admin. that did it.
But life can just do it too.
Hey Sp_k you'll be glad to know I wigged out my preacher.
Aaaaack. Oh well. He got over it.
Ha!
See ya,
Muffled
Posted by Deneb on March 23, 2006, at 23:07:01
In reply to Re: i feel... » special_k, posted by Deneb on March 23, 2006, at 22:43:08
I use "my" instead of "me" and now "suspense" instead of "suspend". What's up with that?
Deneb*
Posted by AuntieMel on March 24, 2006, at 9:27:51
In reply to i feel..., posted by special_k on March 23, 2006, at 22:11:56
Therefore I am.
comforting statement.
Posted by special_k on March 24, 2006, at 12:31:03
In reply to Re: i feel..., posted by special_k on March 23, 2006, at 22:27:23
i hate myself i hate myself i hate myself i hate myself i hate myself i hate myself i hate myself i hate myself i hate myself i hate myself
and what do i think tha tis goig to accomplich?
it is how i feel.
:-(
it i.s adn i think... i probably should.
i do.
i now im not supposed to
but i do.
i do't wnt to do thisanymore
Posted by AuntieMel on March 24, 2006, at 12:52:16
In reply to Re: i feel..., posted by special_k on March 24, 2006, at 12:31:03
Breathe deep. Again. Now hold it.
Ok, now exhale, slooowwwllyy.
And remenber - those feelings are part of the disease. You have no reason to hate yourself.
Wouldn't you want to be your friend? We do.
Posted by muffled on March 24, 2006, at 14:10:06
In reply to Re: i feel..., posted by special_k on March 24, 2006, at 12:31:03
(((((((((((((((((((Special_K))))))))))))))))))))))))
Who was that? She sounds very upset.
Its gonna be ok.
Part of me hates myself so much............
Sometimes it gets away on me :(
But then things get better again and its ok.
I like you, LOTS.
So there.
Sigh....
Luv ya Special_K
you take care,
Muffly
Posted by damos on March 24, 2006, at 14:45:51
In reply to Re: i feel..., posted by special_k on March 24, 2006, at 12:31:03
Please come and talk to us.....please
Want you to be okay. Why do you think you should feel like that, you are such a wonderful friend to so many.
Please take good care of you, we need you here with us so much.
I'm sorry you feel this way
((((((((((special_k))))))))))
Posted by Deneb on March 24, 2006, at 16:28:56
In reply to Re: i feel..., posted by special_k on March 24, 2006, at 12:31:03
Did anything bad happen to make you feel this way?
Don't be so hard on yourself. You're a kind, caring, and thoughtful person who deserves only love.
<love>special k<love>
Deneb*
Posted by special_k on March 24, 2006, at 20:27:57
In reply to ((((((((((special_k)))))))))), posted by damos on March 24, 2006, at 14:45:51
I'm sorry. Just having a bit of a hard time. I haven't thought about hurting myself or anything like that for a while now. But the thought has started to come back to me. I think it is probably about the move. It was very unsettling for me. Easier knowing I had been here before. Easier knowing the city a little. But who am I kidding, I don't know it hardly at all. Most people are better at finding their way around than me after maybe one week. Why? Because I don't get out much and I don't have all that good a sense of direction. Loss of exploratory behaviour. Or something. I really don't get out much. The anxiety at the thought is enough for me to think that it really isn't worth it. And social stuff is hard for me too. I had forgotten just how hard. I'm remembering primary school and intermediate school and high school now. It took me a long while to make friends. Always. Yeah ok so I guess in hindsight I kind of blamed my mother for not letting me do anything after school and stuff. But it was still hard for me to make friends. And it is hard here too. Inherited all those same problems. And I'm realising that it is me. It wasn't my mother. It was me. There is something wrong with me :-( There is. And other people pick up on it. That is why people don't really listen when I speak and stuff. I just don't say anything particularly interesting. I can hear other people just chatting and laughing and stuff. Conversations with me just don't go like that. So people get away from me as soon as they can. And I feel all awkward and just want to fall through the floor. And then I find myself wondering that if I leave now... I don't really know my way home. And of course it always does work out alright. But I worry. I do. And I don't think it is worth it. I just want to stay in my room forever. Or something. I don't know. And people... They say things. Gossip is real bad. And people are really into sharing 'secrets' which of course will be shared among everyone else before the night is through. And people ask you what you think of this or that in a context of gossip. They say things and I can see the intention is to lull you into a sense of security so you will tell them what is on your mind. And I can't do that. I can't play those social games. I don't want to. But I want to fit in it is so important to me. But I know that it being important or them knowing just how important it is is counter productive in its own way because then they will just think I am desperate and pathetic. And it is hard. And there is a group. And key people proclaim someone the 'favourite' for five minutes... And I can't believe I'm saying this online but I feel so f*cking lonely even though there are all these people around and I don't have anyone I can just talk to and be myself with. And I am terrified of negative judgement or evaluation. And that is what they do. Teach people to make fine grained discriminations and distinctions and I guess they employ them in their personal lives as well. And why did I want to do this again? And I'm too terrified to open my mouth. And people do think I'm stupid. And even one on one it can be too hard. To do a proof in real time is like math when someone is standing over you and you have to hurry up hurry up hurry up and you are so anxious you can't even think and you can't think and nothing occurs to you and you can't even begin to do it. And it was given to you because it was supposed to be easy to ease you in and you can't even manage that. And I can tell it is me. Just supposed to not be bothered and just keep on going. Keep on hanging around and be a bit more independent and not bothered by it all really but friendly. And if I was more centred I would be okay and then they would probably like me okay and I'd just not partake in the things I don't like and they would just get used to me over time. But I don't know who I am. So I do things and then realise I'm not happy with that. And I don't do things when I probably should. And I hem and haw and can't decide. And indecision is probably the worst crime of all. And I'm thinking I really don't know that I can do this. Just want to curl up in bed all the time. And maybe I'm getting sick or something. I know what I really need is a t. Or think I need or something. But if I go along and they say 'what do you expect us to do?' and / or 'we are just a short term service so we can see you once or twice' then I'll feel worse than I do now much much much worse and I don't know that I can afford to take that risk.
Posted by Bobby on March 24, 2006, at 20:32:31
In reply to Re: sorry, posted by special_k on March 24, 2006, at 20:27:57
that only makes it worse. Hope you come out of this soon----but feel free to vent.
Posted by special_k on March 24, 2006, at 20:49:01
In reply to Re: sorry, posted by special_k on March 24, 2006, at 20:27:57
And I can't even talk to people is what I've realised. Because I'm used to such a small group and we didn't really talk to each other. Just would send them bits I'd written and they'd write comments in return. And because I'm used to chatting to people online. And I lose words misplace them. And I say something and people say 'no' and then sounds to me like they rephrase what I've just said and that is acceptable to them and I don't understand what the difference is. And I don't have self confidence to know when to push and when to back off. And women pushing... Tends to be frowned upon anyway and what are we supposed to be like and I don't understand and none of this makes any sense to me. But it is hard not being able to speak. And I think over the past week especially I've started really worrying about that about not being able to speak to find the words. I've had trouble with some things for a while. The name of a song, the name of a band, the sound of a song. Have all three but can't put them together. A persons face a persons name. And sometimes I get this long chain of 3 or 4 or 5 names occur to me and thats the best I can do and their name isn't even on the list. And people really do feel offended when you don't remember their name. And maybe I'm just blaming in hindsight but I really think this is because of the ECT. And people don't understand and you can't really explain it. Just 'I'm really bad at names' and then sometimes I explain about the bands and songs thing and explain that I have a more general difficulty with that and people tend to say something about some people not putting in the effort that is required. And I guess most people just don't worry about the things people say. But I do. And I feel a bit like once people have noticed then you either become a target for people to pick fun at and even when people are nice to your face who knows what they are saying behind your back or you become an object of pity. And both of them... I just want to curl up in my room. And you know the worst thing in all this is that I don't know how much of this is just coming from me and my insecurities and paranoias and how much is coming from others in the sense that they really are trying to hurt or are laughing or pitying or whatever and I can't tell and I'm not sure and I think I'm losing my reality testing again... And it is just because I'm stressed and that happens then. And all that is to be done when I get like that is to shut myself away because otherwise I'm in danger of exhibitig inappropriate emotion and then people will think I'm crazy too
Posted by muffled on March 24, 2006, at 20:50:30
In reply to Re: sorry, posted by special_k on March 24, 2006, at 20:27:57
Well I'm glad you were able to share with us special_k.
It sounds real hard. Reminds me of me.
Is there any chance you could get some benzos? I used to like xanax, but I prefer clonazapam now. You sound like your having a great deal of anxiety. Makes it hard to think, I know.
A short term T might be ok, if you know right from the get go that its gonna be that way.
I dunno if you do any drugs, but if so mebbe there could be withdrawl?
Oh those stupid people don't know what they are missing in knowing you. They are so stupid. But surely there's some more real people too? Somehow you'll have to find them. But don't get caught up in a trouble crowd. There are good people out there, I'm finally beginning to understand that that may be true.
Boggles my mind really......
Sometimes its so hard, and it seems so trite to say 'this will pass', but hell......it will......eventually.
If you could keep posting, maybe that would help you not feel so alone, cuz us babblers are with you all the way. I am anyways for sure.
I bet somebody more socialized than I will have some ideas.
Ack, gotta run,
You take care,
Muffled
Posted by Phillipa on March 24, 2006, at 21:18:37
In reply to Re: sorry, posted by special_k on March 24, 2006, at 20:49:01
Do you think you may posssibly need help that we cant't give you here that maybe you need the hospital for adjusting meds. It's not that bad and we'll all understand. Love Phillipa
Posted by rubenstein on March 24, 2006, at 22:03:18
In reply to i feel..., posted by special_k on March 23, 2006, at 22:11:56
> I hate that wierd feeling, taking a shower sometimes helps me, I know it sounds stupid, but sometimes just feeling the water gets rid of that ugly feeling, cleanses me or something.
take care
rachelsad o r bad or something...
>
> :-(
Posted by Gee on March 24, 2006, at 22:15:18
In reply to Re: sorry, posted by special_k on March 24, 2006, at 20:49:01
I have the same problems with names. Usually if you pull off a welcoming "Hi!" with a smile, and acknoledge them, like you recognize them, they dont' care if you used their name or not.
I'm sure you have TONS of great qualities, you just gotta let the world see them. Apparently if you walk like you're confident people are more liekly to approach you. Also looking people in the eyes and smiling at them. Who cares what others think? Really, they're just missing out on knowing an amazing person. I always try to tell myself that I don't care that they do this, or that she has this or he does that, so why would they care if I do this? You know? Don't be too hard on yourself
Posted by special_k on March 25, 2006, at 4:44:55
In reply to Re: sorry » special_k, posted by Gee on March 24, 2006, at 22:15:18
thank you. yeah if i could walk more confident... sometimes i can manage it and yeah you are right :-) othertimes... panic and self doubt seem to get the better of me.
thank you.
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