![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 42 to 66 of 81. Go back in thread:
Posted by tealady on December 21, 2003, at 22:47:40
In reply to Re: Rampant miscommunication?, posted by Jai Narayan on December 21, 2003, at 10:59:45
> >>When I offered up my theory of mixed messages, it may have seemed like I was "blaming" you, but it was an extension of the assumption you were seeking insight. You can't change me, for my part in miscommunication. My comments were about you because that is the only place YOU have power. Absolute power, in fact. I was not labelling you. I thought you were asking, in so many words, "Where might I look?".
> <<Remember this quote? Lar you said this in Nov during communication with me about honesty: you said:
> ***" There is one exception. There are those who say they will speak with brutal honesty,………I just wanted to make a point that honesty should also include honest feelings, e.g. respect and empathy."***
> <<You are not being brutal but you are not following your own rules:
> ***Larry wrote:
> "I just wanted to make a point that honesty should also include honest feelings, e.g. respect and empathy."
OK...well personally what I think? I think Lar was speaking with respect and empathy and honesty...in fact I actually thought he was trying to be helpful and I also thought that Tabitha was actually asking for advice as well.This is not me just trying to take sides..it is what I REALLY thought.
So it seems that somehow I misinterpreted Tabitha's post as well...so I guess it depends on the person how it can be interpreted.It seems to me, Jai, that you seemed to be saying that Lar was breaking his own rules of " honesty should also include honest feelings, e.g. respect and empathy."...so are you saying that Lar was not being respectful or not showing empathy...as personally it came across to me that he was!...So it looks, to me, like you have jumped in , well it IS a public board .....and decided to say that Lar was either lacking in respect or empathy or both.
I really can't see where he did anything like that!It appeared to me that Tabitha was asking for some advice and/or sympathy..whatever anyone could offer. That is how I took the post , and on careful rereading I have not changed my mind.
Obviously I made the same mistake in interpretation as Lar.
Probably because, in a similar situation ,that is what I personally would be asking with similar words,.. for both advice and sympathy..that is what I find I need and value in support. Someone to not only listen ..but also someone to communicate with me and share their thoughts on the matter. This is a far bigger ask than just wanting people to agree with you or give you some sympathy, ..probably why it is hard to find.
But to me this is far more valuable....but obviously there is a difference in how we all think and what we all need...which is to expected as we are not all identical I guess.>
> IMHO you may have wanted to fix the problem ***"Where might I look?"***
> (give her your analysis) and that's where you were coming from while it appears she wanted to be heard and get some empathy. It's a common problem with communication styles…I often ask for emotional support not a **fix it** response.
So are you suggesting here that when someone asks for help ..they should specify what type of help they require..like sympathy ONLY please, no advice wanted...??
> Lar, your pearls of wisdom are greatly appreciated if I ask for them. I have learned a lot from you and am open to your reflection but only when I ask for it. Then I'm ready to learn...
> I hope this can be resolved.
> peace & love to you both
>
So here agian you are suggesting someone should respond with advice after a post only when they specifically say..advice wanted here?
note ..in Tabitha's first post she said
"It seems like all my interactions with people are creating miscommunication.....It seems like I can't say anything or hear anything without a misunderstanding happening. My mind is going nuts trying to figure it out-- am I suddenly not seeing things clearly? Is everyone hypersensitive this time of year? "So this is not asking for helpful advice?
I would have thought anyone replying and letting Tabitha know in a friendly way how they have been perceiving her messages was a helpful reply?
Jan
Posted by Jai Narayan on December 22, 2003, at 8:09:57
In reply to Re: what must you think of all of this?Tabitha » Jai Narayan, posted by Karen_kay on December 21, 2003, at 20:38:33
> (((Jai)))
> ((Tabitha)))
> And just for fun and because I hope she's reading....
> (((Dinah)))
>
These ((())) are so effective. I always get jarred when I see them.
> Now, for ((Jai))
> Girlie.....
So I'm a Girlie....
> If you feel that it isn't helping you, rather hindering you, then it is best to step aside for a while [I don't mean step aside from the board.. Just try to seperate yourself from the situation. Does this make sense?] Or, don't respond. I know he doesn't always seem to come across as "sugary sweet" but he has firm boundaries and wants you to respect them.
<The way if appears to me is he can give advice but he but he can't take it. It's a one way interaction. He can be blunt but I have to be very careful and sweet. I can't be blunt as well. I gave him advice when he was not asking for it. Just like he did for Tabitha. It's okay for him and not for me?> I hope I'm not out of line by saying that. I'm really not trying to put my foot in my mouth, which I do quite often. Feel free to tell me if I have, and I'm sure you will :) I'm just trying to help Jai get a handle on a situation which is causing her some undue stress in her life. So, if I've written something out of place, don't spare my feelings (they don't get hurt too easily) and let me know. I'm just trying to do my part to support her, and possibly help her gain some perspective on this situation.
< We all know both Tabitha and Larry are very good people. We all like them. I will bow out and only support...as I am sure that will not be met with anger from Larry. I am learning how to communciate on this board too. It's fun, exciting and sometimes painful.
Thank you Karen for your insight and kindness.
Posted by Jai Narayan on December 22, 2003, at 8:43:36
In reply to Re: what must you think of all of this? » Jai Narayan, posted by tealady on December 21, 2003, at 22:47:40
> OK...well personally what I think? I think Lar was speaking with respect and empathy and honesty...in fact I actually thought he was trying to be helpful and I also thought that Tabitha was actually asking for advice as well.
<I have no doubt he thought he was being helpful. But was it? Why are we all chatting about this so long if it was so helpful?
> This is not me just trying to take sides..it is what I REALLY thought.
<I know that and am open to what you have to say. I have always felt respect and appreciate your posts.
> So it seems that somehow I misinterpreted Tabitha's post as well...so I guess it depends on the person how it can be interpreted.
<I know that is a tricky thing...what does it all mean. In my family I have 4 siblings and one of them is always trying to fix my problems. She just can't get that I only want support. While another gives me support as a rule and it doesn't seem to be a stetch for her. Same communication different reactions...go figure.
> It seems to me, Jai, that you seemed to be saying that Lar was breaking his own rules of " honesty should also include honest feelings, e.g. respect and empathy."...so are you saying that Lar was not being respectful or not showing empathy...as personally it came across to me that he was!
<The only part that was lacking for me was the empathy...and might I add boundaries. It looks like he stepped on her toes.
> Obviously I made the same mistake in interpretation as Lar.<I know I think it's a common problem.
> Probably because, in a similar situation ,that is what I personally would be asking with similar words,.. for both advice and sympathy..that is what I find I need and value in support. Someone to not only listen ..but also someone to communicate with me and share their thoughts on the matter.
<right and sometimes that's what I want too, but I will invite the person to give me their take on the matter. I will ask for that type of advice. Now this is a topic on boundaries.
> So are you suggesting here that when someone asks for help ..they should specify what type of help they require..like sympathy ONLY please, no advice wanted...??
<that sure would make life easier...we wouldn't be having this conversation if that had happened.
> note ..in Tabitha's first post she said
> "It seems like all my interactions with people are creating miscommunication.....It seems like I can't say anything or hear anything without a misunderstanding happening. My mind is going nuts trying to figure it out-- am I suddenly not seeing things clearly? Is everyone hypersensitive this time of year? "
> So this is not asking for helpful advice? I would have thought anyone replying and letting Tabitha know in a friendly way how they have been perceiving her messages was a helpful reply?
< If her questions to the board had included something like this: can anyone please tell me what I may be doing to cause this? Then I think dive in and go for it. She never asked for anyone elses analysis of her communication. It sounds to me like she is puzzling it out.
Plus don't you think that a public board might not give you as much protection as you would want....I think an couselor would be the right forum for that discussion....just my thoughts on the matter.
thanks Jan for your insight.
> Jan
Posted by Larry Hoover on December 22, 2003, at 9:23:34
In reply to Re: what must you think of all of this?Tabitha, posted by Jai Narayan on December 22, 2003, at 8:09:57
> <The way if appears to me is he can give advice but he but he can't take it. It's a one way interaction. He can be blunt but I have to be very careful and sweet. I can't be blunt as well.
Jai, if you cannot distinguish between advice and judgment, I would ask that you not speak to me or about me at all.
You said (edited by ellipsis to contract the sentence to its essence):
<<"You are not being brutal but you are not following your own rules ... e.g. respect and empathy."
There is no advice in that statement. There is only judgment, i.e. not respectful, not empathetic. I categorically reject that judgment, for a second time.
> I gave him advice when he was not asking for it.
You gave your interpretation of Tabitha's statement, i.e. her seeking of empathy, rather than advice. Again, that is not advice (to me). Instead, it implies that I am failing to heed a component of the posting which can only be inferred. Forgive me for not reading minds.
> Just like he did for Tabitha. It's okay for him and not for me?
Go back to Tabitha's original posting, which opened this thread. There are specific punctuation marks, which we call question marks, i.e. ? ....do you see them? It is not unreasonable to presume that more than empathy was being sought.
I take great care to use descriptive language (e.g. mixed message) rather than judgmental language (e.g. faulty thinking), although it is an art rather than a science to distinguish between the two. Moreover, I am not perfect in its execution, and I am more than happy to try and explain myself more fully if my intent has gone astray (please recall my "playing catch" metaphor). I do not shy away from a topic because it is awkward, but that does not make me blunt. However, there are some individuals for whom bluntness is the only style that effectively communicates my intent.
Have I been blunt enough, Jai?
Regards,
Lar
Posted by Karen_kay on December 22, 2003, at 9:29:30
In reply to Re: what must you think of all of this?Tabitha, posted by Jai Narayan on December 22, 2003, at 8:09:57
(((Jai)))
> These ((())) are so effective. I always get jarred when I see them.
<<Good! I'm glad you appreciate them! Here's another one (Jai)
> > Girlie.....
> So I'm a Girlie....
<<<[Foot in mouth] Is itpossible you're not a girlie? CRAP! Well, in the future, I'll try to be better about not making assumptions. I suppose I assume that since I'm a woman, maybe I'm talking to a woman. I thought you'd referred to yourself as a woman. Maybe not. I can't breath now, my foot is slowly moving further down my throat.... I'M SORRY :(
> <The way if appears to me is he can give advice but he but he can't take it. It's a one way interaction. He can be blunt but I have to be very careful and sweet. I can't be blunt as well. I gave him advice when he was not asking for it. Just like he did for Tabitha. It's okay for him and not for me?<<<Hmmm... I'm tempted to check the civility codes here, but alas, I'm lazy. I guess I'll be warned if I potentially offend, but I don't think I'm going to write anything offensive (at least that is not my objective). I have little interaction with Larry. He appears to be extremely intelligent, though. I think (personally) what is lacking in his posts is emotion. Whereas you seem to exude emotion. So, when posting, he seems to be hypercritical of each word and its literal meaning. When Tabitha posted, possibly looking for support, he gave her his honest answer. Maybe it wasn't extremely helpful to her at the time. But it was his honest answer. But, is wasn't extremely supportive either. So, if you are looking for an honest answer, ask Larry. If you are looking for support, ask someone else, like Jai . (Or follow your suggestion and write it out... "I'm looking for support please... Not an indepth look at how others view me or a list of my own character flaws..) That's the way I tend to look at it.
Each person here tends to have a different role and personality. Take advantage of it. I'm sure it may just be the season, or the stress of the season. And it seems that everyone is miscommunicating.
> < We all know both Tabitha and Larry are very good people. We all like them. I will bow out and only support...as I am sure that will not be met with anger from Larry. I am learning how to communciate on this board too. It's fun, exciting and sometimes painful.<<<I agree with that, they are both very good people. Why do you think that you must only support? Your view on things is just as valid as others. Just because somone doesn't agree, doesn't make it wrong. How many people on this board are you having conflicts with? Take some time to think about the situation. It really isn't a big deal. Look back at some of the old posts, where you had a past conflict. Look at how many others supported you. You still have a large network of supporters. It is all about learning. That's the most important thing!
>
> Thank you Karen for your insight and kindness.<<You are very welcome :)
Posted by Larry Hoover on December 22, 2003, at 10:01:07
In reply to Re: what must you think of all of this?, posted by Jai Narayan on December 22, 2003, at 8:43:36
> Why are we all chatting about this so long if it was so helpful?
Because you are looking at my post with the benefit of hindsight. That's easy, and offers up a false sense of truth and veracity. Had Tabitha said, "Gee thanks Lar", we wouldn't be having this conversation at all.
Posted by gabbix2 on December 22, 2003, at 15:13:17
In reply to Jai, posted by Karen_kay on December 22, 2003, at 9:29:30
> <The way if appears to me is he can give advice but he but he can't take it. It's a one way interaction. He can be blunt but I have to be very careful and sweet. I can't be blunt as well. I gave him advice when he was not asking for it. Just like he did for Tabitha. It's okay for him and not for me?I don't know how *anyone* was to know whether or not Tabitha was asking for advice in that situation. If I had posted the same thing, I would have appreciated honest feedback. People are different. I don't think any poster has a way of knowing that.
This has gone far beyond what Tabitha orignally posted though which is why I feel I have to say something
I would definitely feel judged if someone told me I was lacking "empathy" or "respect"--ESPECIALLY when they were in reference to words that I did not say, but judgements against an intention someone had decided for me.
>If you are looking for an honest answer, ask Larry. If you are looking for support, ask someone else
Those two are not mutually exclusive, actually in my opinion often go together quite nicely;
I think many of the people who have sought Larry out for support in the time he's been here would disagree, all you need to do is look at the boards.
Posted by Angielala on December 22, 2003, at 15:50:40
In reply to Rampant miscommunication?, posted by tabitha on December 17, 2003, at 21:04:30
Tabitha- I hear you... I'm have the same problems. Talking to people, they seem to hear one thing, though I'm relaying something completely different. Keep this in mind... people who do not understand the complexities of those whom may suffer from social anxiety, depression, Personality problems and so forth, aren't going to be the most patient people in the world. Think of it as though you know something that they don't- you know that they are probably not going to get the full meaning of what you are talking about. Ask them lots of questions to reiterate what you are saying, for example, "I'm having trouble this form I need to fill out. Why can't I just call them?" The person you are say that too probably has a million questions like, "what form, what do you mean" most people won't ask you, they will just get frustrated. So ask them. "Do you know what form I'm talking about?" "Do you know of a person I can get in contact with to assist me better with this?" It takes patience, and it takes some practice, but sooner or later, people will start see where you are coming from.
I hope this helps. :)
> I'm in a weird state. It seems like all my interactions with people are creating miscommunication. A lot of it is text and email like here which I know is notorious for miscommunication, but it's happening in my face to face and phonecalls too. It seems like I can't say anything or hear anything without a misunderstanding happening. My mind is going nuts trying to figure it out-- am I suddenly not seeing things clearly? Is everyone hypersensitive this time of year? It feels like I'm in a strange dream where everything is just a bit skewed.
Posted by Jai Narayan on December 22, 2003, at 16:06:51
In reply to Jai, posted by Karen_kay on December 22, 2003, at 9:29:30
> > > Girlie.....
> > So I'm a Girlie....
> <<<[Foot in mouth] Is itpossible you're not a girlie? CRAP! Well, in the future, I'll try to be better about not making assumptions. I suppose I assume that since I'm a woman, maybe I'm talking to a woman. I thought you'd referred to yourself as a woman. Maybe not. I can't breath now, my foot is slowly moving further down my throat.... I'M SORRY :(
< I'm sorry I am a woman...so you were right, I was just being silly about being called a Girlie....
>
> <<<Hmmm... I'm tempted to check the civility codes here, but alas, I'm lazy.
<what does that mean? Did I break the civility code?
I guess I'll be warned if I potentially offend, but I don't think I'm going to write anything offensive (at least that is not my objective). I have little interaction with Larry. He appears to be extremely intelligent, though. I think (personally) what is lacking in his posts is emotion.
<I guess that's true.
>Whereas you seem to exude emotion.
<okay I'm embarassed my emotions are hanging out.
>So, when posting, he seems to be hypercritical of each word and its literal meaning. When Tabitha posted, possibly looking for support, he gave her his honest answer. Maybe it wasn't extremely helpful to her at the time. But it was his honest answer. But, is wasn't extremely supportive either. So, if you are looking for an honest answer, ask Larry. If you are looking for support, ask someone else, like Jai .
<you are so sweet.
>(Or follow your suggestion and write it out... "I'm looking for support please... Not an indepth look at how others view me or a list of my own character flaws..) That's the way I tend to look at it.
>
> Each person here tends to have a different role and personality. Take advantage of it. I'm sure it may just be the season, or the stress of the season. And it seems that everyone is miscommunicating.
>
<I know what you mean! *sigh*
> <<<I agree with that, they are both very good people. Why do you think that you must only support? Your view on things is just as valid as others. Just because somone doesn't agree, doesn't make it wrong.
<Wow what a progressive thought! I never thought of that. I guess I thought all we could really do was support.
>How many people on this board are you having conflicts with?
<no one else but Larry. Larry seems so huge....I really like him & he has a huge impact . Of course there where the other posters JadeT and Six who only posted when I was having my conflict with Larry.
>Take some time to think about the situation. It really isn't a big deal. Look back at some of the old posts, where you had a past conflict. Look at how many others supported you. You still have a large network of supporters. It is all about learning.
< I totally agree. It's all about learning...that's life for me.
You have always been informative and kind to me thank you for all your insite and help.
Posted by Susan J on December 22, 2003, at 16:07:33
In reply to Rampant miscommunication?, posted by tabitha on December 17, 2003, at 21:04:30
It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend. ~William Blake
Please don't make me quote Rodney King. :-)
I love all you guys.
S.
Posted by Susan J on December 22, 2003, at 16:08:29
In reply to Crampy Remuneration » tabitha, posted by Susan J on December 22, 2003, at 16:07:33
Posted by Susan J on December 22, 2003, at 16:10:13
In reply to Above for Everyone, Not Just Tab. (nm), posted by Susan J on December 22, 2003, at 16:08:29
None of what I just posted even sounds good to me. I just meant I really hope we can put the bad or hurt feelings behind us....but I definitely am saying it all wrong.
I just want you guys, Tab, Lar, everyone, to be happy. You *all* deserve it....
S.
Posted by Susan J on December 22, 2003, at 16:15:04
In reply to Oh, Nevermind, posted by Susan J on December 22, 2003, at 16:10:13
Sorry guys....sorry sorry sorry. I never should have stepped in.
This knucklehead is stepping away from the keyboard....
:-)
Susan
Posted by Susan J on December 22, 2003, at 16:15:16
In reply to Oh, Nevermind, posted by Susan J on December 22, 2003, at 16:10:13
Sorry guys....sorry sorry sorry. I never should have stepped in.
This knucklehead is stepping away from the keyboard....
:-)
Susan
Posted by Jai Narayan on December 22, 2003, at 16:20:40
In reply to Re: what must you think? » Jai Narayan, posted by Larry Hoover on December 22, 2003, at 9:23:34
<The way if appears to me is he can give advice but he but he can't take it. It's a one way interaction. He can be blunt but I have to be very careful and sweet. I can't be blunt as well.
Jai, if you cannot distinguish between advice and judgment, I would ask that you not speak to me or about me at all.
*Well thanks for the judgement. You have no right to limit my speaking.
< There is no advice in that statement. There is only judgment, i.e. not respectful, not empathetic. I categorically reject that judgment, for a second time.
*that's your right.
< You gave your interpretation of Tabitha's statement, i.e. her seeking of empathy, rather than advice. Again, that is not advice (to me). Instead, it implies that I am failing to heed a component of the posting which can only be inferred. Forgive me for not reading minds.
*that's rude.
> Go back to Tabitha's original posting, which opened this thread. There are specific punctuation marks, which we call question marks, i.e. ? ....do you see them? It is not unreasonable to presume that more than empathy was being sought.
*Sorry Larry.
> I take great care to use descriptive language (e.g. mixed message) rather than judgmental language (e.g. faulty thinking), although it is an art rather than a science to distinguish between the two. Moreover, I am not perfect in its execution, and I am more than happy to try and explain myself more fully if my intent has gone astray (please recall my "playing catch" metaphor). I do not shy away from a topic because it is awkward, but that does not make me blunt. However, there are some individuals for whom bluntness is the only style that effectively communicates my intent.*You are totally rude to me. Clear Larry, so RUDE!
> Have I been blunt enough, Jai?
* no just rude, larry.
> Regards,
*What's the point of redards....huh?
> Lar
Posted by Karen_kay on December 22, 2003, at 16:34:28
In reply to Larry you are so rude., posted by Jai Narayan on December 22, 2003, at 16:20:40
I didn't mean to suggest that Larry wasn't especially supportive. I sincerely apologize to you Larry. I just reread my post. I really didn't realize what I had written. While trying to support Jai, I now see that I wasn't being exactly fair (or nice) to you. I really am sorry!
I'm ducking my head out of this battle, before it's too late (ha!).....
Posted by Larry Hoover on December 22, 2003, at 18:01:36
In reply to Larry you are so rude., posted by Jai Narayan on December 22, 2003, at 16:20:40
Posted by Larry Hoover on December 22, 2003, at 18:03:43
In reply to Apology to Larry, posted by Karen_kay on December 22, 2003, at 16:34:28
> I didn't mean to suggest that Larry wasn't especially supportive. I sincerely apologize to you Larry. I just reread my post. I really didn't realize what I had written. While trying to support Jai, I now see that I wasn't being exactly fair (or nice) to you. I really am sorry!
I appreciate the apology, but I honestly feel it is unnecessary. Having pondered your post, I see no offense intended, and none received. Thanks.
Lar
Posted by Larry Hoover on December 22, 2003, at 18:08:26
In reply to Rampant miscommunication?, posted by tabitha on December 17, 2003, at 21:04:30
> I'm in a weird state. It seems like all my interactions with people are creating miscommunication. A lot of it is text and email like here which I know is notorious for miscommunication, but it's happening in my face to face and phonecalls too. It seems like I can't say anything or hear anything without a misunderstanding happening. My mind is going nuts trying to figure it out-- am I suddenly not seeing things clearly? Is everyone hypersensitive this time of year? It feels like I'm in a strange dream where everything is just a bit skewed.
Hey Tabitha.....remember me?
I'm sorry we didn't click on this subject. I hope we can get past it together. I'm all for a clean slate.....I hope you can do that for me too.
All the best,
Lar
Posted by Larry Hoover on December 22, 2003, at 19:32:09
In reply to Larry you are so rude., posted by Jai Narayan on December 22, 2003, at 16:20:40
First, you insult me by calling me disrespectful, or non-empathetic, or both.
Then, in your next breath, you trivialize the remark by calling it "advice".
Then, you impugn my character by suggesting that I am unable to accept advice.
And you conclude by snipping one line from my post, just one line excluded from your lengthy reply....the one where I quote your insulting remark in the first instance.
And throughout, you have ignored my explanations, and have substituted your impressions as if they are fact, never once considering that we may simply be of different opinions.
And you would call me rude.
Hmmmphh.
Lar
Posted by Dr. Bob on December 23, 2003, at 5:28:20
In reply to Re: Larry you are so rude. » Jai Narayan, posted by Larry Hoover on December 22, 2003, at 19:32:09
> how about I just give Larry's post to you as a gift? I find it hurtful
>
> tabitha> There's no way I'm going to accept someone else failing to treat *me* with empathy and respect, and failing to acknowldege *my* sincerity, in the guise of reinterpreting my words to imply my own failure in those realms.
>
> Larry Hoover> The way if appears to me is he can give advice but he but he can't take it.
>
> Jai Narayan> I have no doubt he thought he was being helpful. But was it?
>
> The only part that was lacking for me was the empathy...and might I add boundaries. It looks like he stepped on her toes.
>
> Jai Narayan> you are looking at my post with the benefit of hindsight. That's easy, and offers up a false sense of truth and veracity.
>
> Larry Hoover> that's rude.
>
> You are totally rude to me. Clear Larry, so RUDE!
>
> Jai Narayan> you insult me
>
> you trivialize the remark
>
> you impugn my character
>
> your insulting remark
>
> you have ignored my explanations, and have substituted your impressions as if they are fact
>
> Larry HooverPlease, everyone, be sensitive to the feelings of others and don't post anything that could lead them to feel accused or put down, thanks.
Bob
PS: Follow-ups regarding posting policies, and complaints about posts, should be redirected to Psycho-Babble Administration; otherwise, they may be deleted.
Posted by Jai Narayan on December 23, 2003, at 7:14:55
In reply to Re: please be civil » tabitha » Jai Narayan » Larry Hoover, posted by Dr. Bob on December 23, 2003, at 5:28:20
As for my part in this sad and downward spiraling communication. I will gladly stop and ponder what I thought I was doing. I admit I lost sight of civility. This reminds me of a good luck/ bad luck story. Sorry to all and definately Larry Hoover and Tabitha. I will post no more about this topic and I must say I have to be very soul searching about my communication with Larry Hoover. I am amazed at how badly all that went.
If I ever post to you Larry again it will *only* be supportive, I will *never* try to point anything out again....as I have failed miserably in this attempt. I only ended up hurting Larry which was not my wish.
This is the first board I have ever posted to and I am afraid I am having to learn everything the hard way.
Don't be too nice...don't be to critical....be in the middle. I am walking down that balance beam.Jai Narayan
Posted by Larry Hoover on December 23, 2003, at 8:38:20
In reply to Re: please be civil, posted by Jai Narayan on December 23, 2003, at 7:14:55
> As for my part in this sad and downward spiraling communication. I will gladly stop and ponder what I thought I was doing. I admit I lost sight of civility. This reminds me of a good luck/ bad luck story. Sorry to all and definately Larry Hoover and Tabitha. I will post no more about this topic and I must say I have to be very soul searching about my communication with Larry Hoover. I am amazed at how badly all that went.
> If I ever post to you Larry again it will *only* be supportive, I will *never* try to point anything out again....as I have failed miserably in this attempt. I only ended up hurting Larry which was not my wish.
> This is the first board I have ever posted to and I am afraid I am having to learn everything the hard way.
> Don't be too nice...don't be to critical....be in the middle. I am walking down that balance beam.
>
> Jai NarayanI'm thinking you still don't understand what got under my skin so much....
Look at each message again, please, those between us....
You will not see me saying anything about you, in the sense of you're doing this wrong or that wrong. I'm saying please don't use judgmental language on me.
The problems we have are the result of you saying, in so many words, what I'm doing wrong.
That is a boundary violation. I do not like having words put in my mouth, or being told my motives are not up to snuff, or generally being told how I don't measure up. And, I spent some time rejecting those ideas. But I did not label you in the process.
Frankly, I think the good doctor is off the mark in his determination of what is civil. I don't think mentioning an unpleasant topic is inherently incivil, e.g. using the word insult. However, I digress.....
It's fine to believe something very different from another poster, and to express that difference in belief or opinion, but it needs to come in the form of "I statements"....e.g. "When I see a posting like Tabitha's, I think she would be looking for empathy, not advice." Contrast that sentence with what you said to me.
Despite whatever you might think about me, I put a lot into every post I send (except those where I'm being goofy, and I think those are obvious). I carefully select every word, and sometimes I'm feeling literal fear when I hit the send button.....not because I'm afraid I'll be taken wrong, or might say the wrong thing, but because I've put so much of me into it. You used the phrase "pearls of wisdom"....just as a thematic concept.
I got this in an email yesterday.
"Oh, another thing - I can't imagine a greater gift than 'being told you give mixed messages and have mutually incompatible thought clusters coming from you.' How often does someone make the effort to invest that much thought in someone else? That's one thing I really appreciate about your posts. I don't know why you're giving it away, but I'm happy to receive."
If I didn't get messages like that once in a while, I just wouldn't bother any more.
To be replied to in a manner that directly or indirectly suggests I'm have not been e.g. empathetic in my reply....sorry. I will not accept that. Disagree with my thoughts all you want, but don't attack the person behind them. I welcome debate about my ideas, but I will not debate who I am, or what my motives are.
Use I statements. Give examples from your life. Let people take from your message what they wish to take.
I erroneously thought Tabitha was receptive to having ideas about her problem suggested to her. That's how I read her message. Apparently, she was not, and I would not otherwise have addressed ideas in her world. I'm sorry, Tab.
I am not adverse to having people comment about my personal realm. But you should wait for an invite to do so. I literally did that, in this thread. See: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20031217/msgs/292078.html
I'm not hypersensitive about my boundaries, but I am very clear on what they are. Sometimes I need to say things about them to make my point. With other people, I never have to say a thing.
I also tried to make the distinction between descriptive language and judgmental language. It's not a moot point to make. I appreciate people describing me and my interactions in descriptive language. That's feedback. But when the words have emotional content, when *I'm* being labelled, expect a reaction. Criticize my ideas, but don't criticize me.
Lar
Posted by Dr. Bob on December 23, 2003, at 9:39:49
In reply to Re: please be civil, posted by Jai Narayan on December 23, 2003, at 7:14:55
> As for my part in this sad and downward spiraling communication. I will gladly stop and ponder what I thought I was doing.
Thanks.
> If I ever post to you Larry again it will *only* be supportive
OK, but just to clarify, regarding:
> > Jai, if you cannot distinguish between advice and judgment, I would ask that you not speak to me or about me at all.
>
> You have no right to limit my speaking.I don't want people to feel harassed or pressured here, so they may in fact ask others not to post to them. Since his statement was conditional, however, I'm not considering him to have done that in this case.
But posting *about* someone is different than posting *to* them, and as long as the post is civil, I think I'd still consider that OK.
Bob
Posted by Dr. Bob on December 23, 2003, at 9:40:50
In reply to Re: the nature of the problem » Jai Narayan, posted by Larry Hoover on December 23, 2003, at 8:38:20
> The problems we have are the result of you saying, in so many words, what I'm doing wrong... That is a boundary violation.
>
> I erroneously thought Tabitha was receptive to having ideas about her problem suggested to her... Apparently, she was notPlease don't post anything that could lead others to feel accused or put down. Sorry, but I've already asked you to be civil, so now I'm going to block you from posting for a week.
Bob
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