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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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Posted by geri122 on December 3, 2003, at 18:10:59
In reply to How's it going? » geri122, posted by fallsfall on December 2, 2003, at 19:06:52
Turn to people you say.. Yeah well i can't because all of my friends are turning their backs on me. I have that oe friend that i told but that is it. I can't turn to them i am all alone
Posted by sfmom on December 3, 2003, at 18:16:24
In reply to Re: How's it going?, posted by geri122 on December 3, 2003, at 18:10:59
Sometimes one good friend is all it takes.
And I know you feel like you're in a hole right now and may not believe me, but we care about you SO MUCH and are very concerned and will do anything we can to help you! Please keep reaching out to us. Love, Lyssa
Posted by geri122 on December 3, 2003, at 18:25:39
In reply to You Are Not Alone, posted by sfmom on December 3, 2003, at 18:16:24
but their supposed to be here for me. They aren't
Posted by sfmom on December 3, 2003, at 19:20:33
In reply to Re: You Are Not Alone, posted by geri122 on December 3, 2003, at 18:25:39
Yes, friends are supposed to be there for you. And I imagine that they have been there for you in other ways and in other situations or they wouldn't be your friends. But sometimes people aren't capable, for whatever reasons, of dealing with a friend who is depressed. Maybe they are scared, maybe they just don't know what to say, and maybe they are just so caught up in their own lives and problems that they just can't be there for you in this. But there are people who are very well trained to deal with situations like yours. An example would be the crisis phone line that Lynne gave you. They might even be able to give you some insight into your friends' behavior. It's anonymous and if you are uncomfortable talking to them, you can just hang up. You obviously are very lonely and need some outside help. Please call them and find out what your options are. And please keep posting to us. I can't reiterate enough how much we all care about you. Good luck.
Posted by fallsfall on December 3, 2003, at 23:42:20
In reply to Re: You Are Not Alone, posted by geri122 on December 3, 2003, at 18:25:39
Geri,
I know how disappointing it is to finally get up the courage to talk to someone and find that they can't be there for you. Yes, your friends "should" be there, and your family should, too. But sometimes people can't do that. That's why you need to have more than one person to go to - because sometimes, the one you want the most won't be able to be there. I have a hard time realizing that just because someone has asked me to "be there" doesn't mean that I always have to say yes. You are right. It is very complicated and confusing.
But you have to keep trying. I think it is harder for people your age to deal with depression, just because you haven't had as much experience with it as us old fogies.
Maybe it is time to try your teacher. If you aren't comfortable talking about your depression with her, then talk about the fact that your friends seem to be turning away when you need them. Or talk to her about school, or one of your other teachers. Try her out, and see if she will give you her attention, see if she will care. You don't have to talk about the hard stuff right off the bat. If she asks, then you could even say that you aren't ready to talk about that yet, but that you do want to talk about other things with her. Or even stop in on the way to your bus (so you won't have time to talk) and tell her that you miss having her this year, and could you stop by sometime to talk with her even though she isn't your teacher? Just raise your hand a little bit and let her show you how she'll react.
Feeling like you have noone to turn to is so hard. I'm betting that she won't let you down.
Please keep posting here, you can turn to us (and if one of us doesn't get on the computer, there are others who will see your post - someone will see your post).
I know it is hard to keep reaching out, but it is so important to do. You have 3 of our email addresses. If you need us to help in more concrete ways, please email one of us. (Please ask for the email addresses again if you don't have them)
Please don't be alone.
Posted by geri122 on December 4, 2003, at 14:32:25
In reply to Re: You Are Not Alone » geri122, posted by sfmom on December 3, 2003, at 19:20:33
no you don't understand i never them I onlt told one person and they have been there but i have been there for everyone no matter what i am feeling or their situation. They just aren't for me
Posted by sfmom on December 4, 2003, at 15:38:51
In reply to Re: You Are Not Alone, posted by geri122 on December 4, 2003, at 14:32:25
I'm sorry that I misunderstood the situation. I am so glad that your one friend has been there for you. I can't begin to tell you how much I understand the place that you are in. But the truth is still that some people, even people you consider friends, will not be able to come through for you in all ways nor all the time. I have finally, at almost 30 years old, come to a place where I have a few truly wonderful friends that I can count on for most things. And among those friends there are even fewer who have been able to support me in my current depression and anxiety. The ones who have been able to help me are the ones who have been through it themselves.
I also know what it's like to always be the one who is giving and there for everybody else, even to my own detriment. I have always been the peacemaker and the one who spoke up for people who were too shy or uncomfortable to speak up for themselves. I've even gotten into a few fist fights for other people because that is what I thought a friend should do.
One thing that I am working on in therapy right now is being able to protect myself from that. To be able to let myself get angry at people who have hurt my feelings. It's been very hard for me, I don't want to ever hurt other people's feelings, even if it means I will suffer more. I'm working on it. But it's still hard. But I have been very lucky to find a wonderful therapist who is helping me a lot.
I've also been on medication for almost two months, and just yesterday switched to a different medication because the first one wasn't working. That was very frustrating for me.
But do you know what got me out of bed today? You did. I got up to see if you had posted and to see if there was anything I could do to help you. I really do know the place where you are right now, and I would really like to help you to find the help you need or just to be here to support you in any way that I can. I didn't know how to help myself when I was your age and my situation got worse than it had to be. I don't want that to happen to you too. So if I can help you even in the smallest way, that will make what I went through worth it.
I know I've said it many, many times, but you are not alone and I care very deeply about you. That may be hard for you to believe, but it's true. Please be in contact soon. Love, Lyssa
Posted by geri122 on December 4, 2003, at 17:39:11
In reply to Re: You Are Not Alone » geri122, posted by sfmom on December 4, 2003, at 15:38:51
the truth is you guys have all helped me in so many ways its undiscribable. Just knowing that someone is thinking about my well being means something. I mean, you guys don't even know me. I am a normal teenage girl on the outside and not so normal on the inside. But people always find a way to judge, you guys didn't. Hearing your stories, knowing you are still out there and supporting me through everything helps.
Everyday, when i get a chance, this is the first place i go. It means a lot, more then i can say. Thanks.
if you would like.. i have two poems that i wrote and i was wondering if you would like to hear them. (read)?
Posted by fallsfall on December 4, 2003, at 19:05:11
In reply to Re: You Are Not Alone, posted by geri122 on December 4, 2003, at 17:39:11
Yes!
Posted by sfmom on December 4, 2003, at 21:10:54
In reply to Re: You Are Not Alone, posted by geri122 on December 4, 2003, at 17:39:11
Yes, please! We would love to read them. And I am so glad that you're writing, it can be very theraputic. Please post them soon, I can't wait to read them!
Posted by LynneDa on December 5, 2003, at 11:15:13
In reply to Re: You Are Not Alone, posted by geri122 on December 4, 2003, at 17:39:11
Hi Geri -
I second and third everything sfmom and fallsfall wrote. I'm sorry that you are feeling rejected by so many people you felt were your friends, but there are very few people who are selfless enough to truly be there for you through all things. That's not to say they don't care, but more that they have their own concerns and they either don't have the emotional energy or the knowledge of how to help. If you have one or two really good friends, count yourself lucky!I've always been a giver, too, and as I've gone through the years, I've done less of that, unfortunately, as I realize how much it's depleted me of my emotional energy. Your emotional well-being is like a bank account. You can't expect to make a lot of withdrawals without making a few deposits! You have to find things within yourself that you value and love yourself for that. My self-worth was only as good as my value to other people. As Lyssa was saying, it's taken a lot of years of therapy to get out of that cycle. I'm 40 and still working on it!!
I hate that you feel so alone. What kinds of things make you happy? Things you like to do, things you value, etc. Do you have anything in common with your Mom in this area? Can you suggest an activity together? Sometimes spending time doing something inane like raking leaves or wrapping Christmas presents can open up conversation that is sorely needed.
Just know that you will get through this and we will be here for you! You can do this!! Just think about what you need and try to get it - do it for yourself! You are worth helping!
And a big, huge YES on the poetry. I used to write a lot when I was young and it was a great refuge and outlet for me. Send them to us or post them!
Have a good weekend! Try to get out and do something physical, even if it's just taking a walk. It will clear your head and give you some extra energy.
Your friend,
Lynne
Posted by geri122 on December 5, 2003, at 15:03:12
In reply to Re: You Are Not Alone » geri122, posted by sfmom on December 4, 2003, at 21:10:54
I wish, I wonder, and I wait.
For each breathe I take, a frown appears,The journey of life waits in the near.
Nothing good, will ever come,
I wish, I wonder, and I wait.
It’s back, its close, its all in reach.The mirror image, it’s so surreal,
The truth exists, what’s the deal?
I sit in wonder, what is next,
It’s back, its close, its all in reach.
Power, strength, the whole ideal.Never know what’s really real.
The laughter’s gone,
Will never appear,
The truth has spoken,
it’s real, it’s real!
I wish, I wonder, and I wait.Its back, its close, its all in reach.
Power, strength, the whole ideal.
The meaning of a single tear!
Posted by geri122 on December 5, 2003, at 15:03:49
In reply to Re: You Are Not Alone, posted by geri122 on December 5, 2003, at 15:03:12
The only person, with the power,
To help, to care, to make it work.To bring the laughter, and make the smile,
Support those down, except what’s wrong.
A guiding hand, to help me up.To laugh, to love, to always know.
When answered no, it means yes,
To know that difference from all the rest.
To know the truth and make that work.No matter if it really hurts.
No one knows the truth behind,
Except the one that’s on your side.
It may seem wrong, like it’s the end.To always make it bend and bend.
You stop the tears, you always know,
Now in return, I’ve let it show!
You’ve showed me different, did not betray.I care, I love, I will always stay.
I won’t forget those times you cared,
They meant a lot and that I swear.
Please don’t leave, I can’t not lie,
Without you, I seem to die!
Posted by geri122 on December 5, 2003, at 15:06:11
In reply to Re: You Are Not Alone, posted by LynneDa on December 5, 2003, at 11:15:13
well i am a cheerleader that keeps me active but even now i really don't want to do. I often get extremely frustrated and i don't. But i will keep active
Posted by LynneDa on December 5, 2003, at 15:13:11
In reply to Re: You Are Not Alone, posted by geri122 on December 5, 2003, at 15:03:49
Geri (I hope that's your name, that's what we keep calling you!), WOW - these are beautiful. They brought tears to my eyes!! You definitely have a way with the written word, even though you say you have a hard time expressing yourself in person. Keep up the writing, it is wonderful and I know it is therapeutic in some way. Thank you for sharing these beautiful pieces of you with us!!
~ Lynne
Posted by LynneDa on December 5, 2003, at 15:16:36
In reply to Re: You Are Not Alone, posted by geri122 on December 5, 2003, at 15:06:11
Hey, I was a cheerleader too! It does keep you active, but I guess the sports season is winding down, unless basketball has started. It's got to be hard to keep that smile on your face when you don't feel cheery, but sometimes forcing yourself to go through the motions helps you get outside of yourself for a bit.
What do you mean that you get frustrated and don't - don't cheer or don't work out? What is frustrating?
~ Lynne
Posted by sfmom on December 5, 2003, at 16:07:06
In reply to Re: You Are Not Alone, posted by geri122 on December 5, 2003, at 15:03:49
Geri,
Those are truly beautiful poems. This is the first time I've cried today, but they are tears of joy. Thank you so much for that and for sharing with us. You are an incredibly sensitive, strong and beautiful woman. Please keep writing and sharing with us. It means so much to me that you trust us with your deepest truths. And in return, below is a poem that I wrote when I was 21 and dealing with some sh*t of my own. Maybe it will help, maybe not, but I feel like sharing it.
What does it mean to be a woman?
Do you have to stop being a girl?
Will I know it when it happens?
Or did I already miss it while I was too caught
up in love songs and memories?And what does it mean to be a strong woman?
When we all have our moments of weakness when
faced with ourselves in the dead of a lonely night.
Is it in how we face the new day?
And just because we can get by without sinking,
does that make us independent?Or does it come in the knowledge that although we may never know these answers,
we will always be all of these things at once:
girl, daughter, sister, woman, mother, strong,
independent, and sometimes lonely.And yet by some miricle of God,
we also hold within us the power to give new life.
Is this then our purpose?And so then to my sisters, my dearest friends,
and most of all to my mother,
I thank you for your many gifts of love and strength that have made me the woman that I am
and the woman that I will continue to become.
You will always be a part of me just as I am a part of you.
For in moons, and in earth, and in blood,
these bonds that we share make us all One.11/20/95
Posted by sfmom on December 5, 2003, at 16:11:37
In reply to Re: You Are Not Alone, posted by LynneDa on December 5, 2003, at 15:13:11
Please excuse my spelling errors in the above poem. . . My eyes were still teary from Geri's poems!
Posted by LynneDa on December 5, 2003, at 16:16:16
In reply to Re: You Are Not Alone, posted by sfmom on December 5, 2003, at 16:07:06
Wow again! That is really poignant and definitely speaks to something we can all relate to! It is so hard to find your way and purpose sometimes; to figure out if you're on the right path and why you are faced with the dilemmas, crises and problems that come your way. But, we are all amazingly strong and we will persevere!! I have to trust that whatever I'm going through will make me stronger. I have to accept that there's a reason I'm being tested in this way. Some days I can do that and others it's a little harder!
Lyssa, I hope you are doing okay; it sounded like you were having a rough week. Hang in there!!!
~ Lynne
Posted by sfmom on December 5, 2003, at 16:35:10
In reply to Re: You Are Not Alone, posted by LynneDa on December 5, 2003, at 16:16:16
Thanks Lynne. Yes, it's been a rough week and my daughter's 2nd birthday party is tomorrow and I just don't want to deal with it! Isn't that terrible? In looking through an old notebook to find my poem, I came across some other things I had written down. I can't take credit for them, they are Richard Bach, but reading them after all these years helped me so I thought I'd share them with you all too.
There are no mistakes. The events we bring upon ourselves, no matter how unpleasant, are necessary in order to learn what we need to learn; whatever steps we take, they're necessary to reach the places we've chosen to go.I spent my whole life becoming the person I am now, was it worth it?
Every person, all the events of your life are there because you have drawn them there.
What you choose to do with them is up to you.
You're only obligation in any lifetime is to be true to yourself. Being true to anyone else or anything else is not only impossible, but the mark of a fake messiah.
Posted by LynneDa on December 5, 2003, at 16:45:30
In reply to Re: You Are Not Alone » LynneDa, posted by sfmom on December 5, 2003, at 16:35:10
Oh, I love those quotes. I know I have one of his books somewhere downstairs, in a box! I'll have to dig it out. It seems that no matter where life takes you and no matter how mature you seem to get, it's always helpful to be reminded of these simple truths!
It's certainly not terrible how you feel about tomorrow. Little kid parties are very exhausting! I'm sure you have it all planned out and just let your schedule carry the day. I am sure your daughter will be so wrapped up in the fun, she won't notice if you're a little less than enthusiastic!
Have a good weekend everyone . . . try to keep a positive thought in the front of your mind - there is a reason you are here and each one of us is so special. (((( HUGS )))) for you all!
Posted by fallsfall on December 5, 2003, at 21:40:56
In reply to Re: You Are Not Alone, posted by geri122 on December 5, 2003, at 15:06:11
Geri,
Thanks for sharing your poems with us. The person you talk about in the second one - have you talked to them about what is going on now?
I understood that your friends were not receptive to you, and you hadn't told them of your depression. One of the reasons that therapy is helpful for depression is that by the time you figure out that you have it, and get it under control (with meds or therapy or luck), you have probably messed up a good portion of your relationships. Depressed people aren't a whole lot of fun, usually. They can be negative and crabby and unreasonable (at least *I* can, when I'm depressed). To people on the outside, who don't know *why* the person has suddenly "changed", this can be a problem. So lots of times, but the time someone has figured out that they have depression, they have already alienated a bunch of their friends. Maybe this is what has happened with you and your friends. It is work to get the relationships back, but I find that if people know that I have a problem - BUT I'm working on it - that they are much more patient with me.
Please let us know how you are doing.
Posted by sfmom on December 5, 2003, at 21:44:38
In reply to Re: You Are Not Alone, posted by LynneDa on December 5, 2003, at 16:45:30
Lynne, thanks for the encouragement. I'm saving a Klonopin just for the party though!
Geri, I meant to ask you earlier, can you please tell us a little more about your poems? Does it make you feel better to write them? How does it feel to know that you have created something beautiful from that brain of yours that is also causing you so much pain? I don't know if you believe in a soul, but part of my healing has been that I have to embrace the good and the bad, the beautiful and the painful aspects of myself--or else I wouldn't be being true to myself. Just something for you to ponder. I can't read any more posts tonight because my daughter is going to bed and like an idiot, the computer is still in her room! But I'll check in first thing in the morning and would love to hear from you. Like I say to my daughter every night, "Good night, God bless, sweet dreams, you are loved."
Posted by fallsfall on December 5, 2003, at 21:48:09
In reply to Re: You Are Not Alone » LynneDa, posted by sfmom on December 5, 2003, at 16:35:10
Ah, 2 year old's birthday parties... Just don't expect them to pay attention or do anything together. If something does come together it's a miracle! If they can run around and scream, they'll be happy.
I hope you can enjoy the party.
Posted by geri122 on December 7, 2003, at 18:23:17
In reply to Re: You Are Not Alone, posted by sfmom on December 5, 2003, at 21:44:38
I write beacuse it lets me express myself. It helps me relxa you know, get my feelings on in a way where people won't judge me. I also write stories, sometimes about a life i want or a life i can't have or just a story to let me forget what is going on around me.
I get frustrateed at cheerleading because i don't seem to have patience any more. The littlest thing will put me off. You want to hear something sad. I don't want to lift, ( a mound where you throw the girl in the air) because i am afraid that i won't catch her. You see the girl that is thrown up is a friend, well someone that was supposed to be my friend, but caused a lot of pain. I feel guiltty not telling her but she will nevr undertstand. i know she won't.
I guess just being by myself is a lot better
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