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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 25 of 40. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by scratchpad on June 14, 2007, at 14:16:10
Feels like I've been slimed. Once a deputy, now a "former" deputy - so it's not ok to go off the rails like any other person with a mood disorder might?? Alright, I admit that I was stupid for ever even trying to do the job in the first place. Which I trained for not one, but two years. That's YEARS. Of babble-time. That's a big investment of time to be undermined and undone so easily. I backed out of being taken into consideration for the position of deputy once, wondering whether I could take the pressure of the responsibility. Guess I should have listened to that particular inner voice. Instead, I told myself that I was giving back to a valuable community that had given so much to me. And now look what that's done for me.
I still feel like a failure. Especially reading this week's installment on the Admin board. I'm being judged here, judged by my former position of deputy. Anyone want to guess how long I actually did that job? How about a couple of weeks. That's all it took for me to make myself into a giant bullseye and go down like a goober sliding down a window pane. Splat. Slither back down the drain into the sewer where I belong. Not suitable. Not suitable.
And now I read a suggestion that another deputy should consider taking a break. Let me tell you from my personal experience - people will not forget that you were once a deputy. They will never let you be a human with human problems again. Personally, I am not up to the scrutiny. Even changing my name didn't help.
sp
Posted by Dinah on June 14, 2007, at 15:52:29
In reply to The ex deputy stain, posted by scratchpad on June 14, 2007, at 14:16:10
You aren't a failure. If I had a grain of sense I'd have done what you did. You should consider yourself courageous for following your inner voice, and doing what was best for you.
You made one decision based on what you thought was the best thing to do, and another based on the same criteria with new information.
I certainly could not hope to do better. I think I hope to do as well.
Posted by AuntieMel on June 14, 2007, at 17:05:32
In reply to The ex deputy stain, posted by scratchpad on June 14, 2007, at 14:16:10
I know what you mean.
It's a big reason I've not been around much. I don't look good in "bulseye"
Posted by tofuemmy on June 14, 2007, at 17:21:54
In reply to Re: The ex deputy stain, posted by AuntieMel on June 14, 2007, at 17:05:32
I think all of you are wonderous examples to follow. You gave to this place. Most of us just take.
Hugs, emmy
Posted by Racer on June 14, 2007, at 18:18:09
In reply to The ex deputy stain, posted by scratchpad on June 14, 2007, at 14:16:10
If you're a failure, I've spent most of the past two years of therapy trying to learn to be your kind of failure! You successfully took care of yourself, you put your needs dead center and met them, you did what you had to do. According to my psychoterrorist, that's not called "failure," that's called "successful self-care."
And anyway, your only arguable failure, as far as I know, is that you live too far away from me... And that might just be that I have failed to live close enough to you...
xoxo
Posted by scratchpad on June 15, 2007, at 6:11:58
In reply to Re: The ex deputy stain, posted by Racer on June 14, 2007, at 18:18:09
Building and maintaining boundaries makes me feel uncomfortable. Makes me feel guilty. A failure. Like I don't deserve those boundaries, and have no business defending them.
I have to let some more time get between me and the experience to see the good side of this.
Having your replies here really, really helps.Thanks Dinah, AuntieMel (I miss you so much from here!), Tofuemmy, and Racer. Can I say that I can't do this without you all?
Scratchpad the staple puller
Posted by scratchpad on June 15, 2007, at 7:46:43
In reply to Re: The ex deputy stain, posted by Racer on June 14, 2007, at 18:18:09
I wish we lived closer to each other, too.
On the other hand, maybe another trip would be good.sp
Posted by gardenergirl on June 15, 2007, at 8:59:04
In reply to The ex deputy stain, posted by scratchpad on June 14, 2007, at 14:16:10
I know what you're talking about, and it's frustrating to say the least. And not fair. And you're right, it's about boundaries. They're important for us to construct and maintain or even "enforce" if necessary.
But I also think that there's another aspect to this. If one person expects something from another that the other never agreed to, and then that first person feels disappointed, let down, angry or some other reaction when the second person doesn't meet that expectation...well, I think the first person has some responsibility for that upset. I know it happens that we do expect more or different from people who have authority roles, are role models of some kind, or are looked up to for some reason (maybe teachers, celebrities, doctors, athletes, leaders, etc.) Anyone ever think their teacher never went to the bathroom? What about all the hoopla when an athlete does something "bad", and people chastise them for being a poor role model for kids. Did that athlete ever agree to be the role model? I think that's debatable. But still, that athlete is a human being, too, with all kinds of needs, drives, "issues", patterns of behavior, impulses, feelings, thoughts, etc. And put all that into a particular situation or context, and I think it's only realistic not to mention "fair" to view that person as a whole being and not place limitations, restrictions, ideals, and expectations on them that are not accepted and/or do not fit.
It's projection, frankly. It's not necessarily a bad thing, and it's not a bad thing for the role model type person to strive to set a good example if it's their goal. But if that projection leads to upset in the projector, what does that really mean about the projectee? Nothing negative, imo.
Okay, I would think I could pare this down from all the blathering. What I really mean is, you are you, scratchpad. And I happen to think you are a fabulous you. A gift to others. If anyone else reacts negatively to you or your actions based on their projection of expectations or ideals or some other "not really you" stuff, what is that really saying about you and about them?
You're so right about boundaries. They can be great teflon for what comes your way from others. And those semi-permeable ones, that let the wanted in and the unwanted out....those are the best. :)
I'm sorry this is so painful for you. And I think it's a great loss if it inhibits your posting here, because as I said, you and your words are a gift to us. Thank you for you.
((((((scratchpad)))))))
gg
Posted by zenhussy on June 15, 2007, at 9:08:57
In reply to The ex deputy stain, posted by scratchpad on June 14, 2007, at 14:16:10
Posted by Racer on June 15, 2007, at 13:00:20
In reply to Re: The ex deputy stain » Racer, posted by scratchpad on June 15, 2007, at 7:46:43
All I know is that you're good for my soul.
xoxo
Posted by 10derHeart on June 15, 2007, at 14:26:16
In reply to The ex deputy stain, posted by scratchpad on June 14, 2007, at 14:16:10
I'm sorry, sp. That you feel those things.
I don't know what else to say, but I'm glad you posted this.
I hope...no, I believe, time will allow this yuck to fade away.
Think on what zen said, too. Really you can, and do, define yourself. You don't have to accept the bullseye. Picture a slicker-than-Teflon back and slide the darn thing right off! Lame, I know, but I trust you get the sentiment underneath.
((sp))
Posted by NikkiT2 on June 15, 2007, at 15:51:21
In reply to The ex deputy stain, posted by scratchpad on June 14, 2007, at 14:16:10
*blinks*
Sorry.. I forgot about the name change. I was only thinking of you earlier and thnking I'd not seen you since the hacking..
I'm a bad friend.
I hate that you feel this stain.. I hope those of us that adore you can help hide it from you..
if that makes any sense!!
nxx
Posted by Deneb on June 16, 2007, at 15:47:30
In reply to The ex deputy stain, posted by scratchpad on June 14, 2007, at 14:16:10
Hey Scratchpad
(((((scratchpad)))))
Sorry you're having a hard time.
Deneb*
Posted by Phillipa on June 16, 2007, at 22:11:35
In reply to Re: The ex deputy stain » scratchpad, posted by Deneb on June 16, 2007, at 15:47:30
To all the deputies seriously I don't know how you do it. It's an overwhelming volunteer job. And Scatchpad believe when I say this no one at least not me thinks of you as a former deputy just as a wonderful person and you help when you post with your problems as it shows others are not the only ones. I've always found your personal posts very helpful. Love Phillipa
Posted by karen_kay on June 18, 2007, at 9:56:36
In reply to The ex deputy stain, posted by scratchpad on June 14, 2007, at 14:16:10
i'm on my way to get some, should i pick some up for you as well?
i see no stains on you darling sexie pie. from my view, all i see is a caring, wonderful, supportive, sexie, super-sweet, perfect and all around generous poster/person/friend/woman/smom. don't try to tell me any different. you simply won't convince me.
take very good care of yourself darling. your wonderful, super sexy self.
kk
Posted by kninelover on June 18, 2007, at 12:27:14
In reply to The ex deputy stain, posted by scratchpad on June 14, 2007, at 14:16:10
i am sorry ..
Posted by scratchpad on June 19, 2007, at 7:23:01
In reply to Re: The ex deputy stain » scratchpad, posted by kninelover on June 18, 2007, at 12:27:14
> i am sorry ..
It's OK, I think it is a complex issue with me. And it's better to have happened sooner rather than later. It's the "residue" that is upsetting me - that I used to be a deputy is held against me now, much later.
Just why I should still care so much about what others think about me is a mystery.
But thank you, kninelover. I do appreciate your apology.
sp
Posted by confuzyq on June 19, 2007, at 20:51:11
In reply to Re: The ex deputy stain » kninelover, posted by scratchpad on June 19, 2007, at 7:23:01
Hi, a mostly-lurker here (who posted for a spell a few years ago), but knows a lot of board history through the above and the archives...
Wanted to say, when you decided not to pursue deputy duties, I respected you for A] knowing yourself that well and being so decisive; and B] (to me) possibly seeming to indicate through that that you still see things very much through posters' eyes too, and that created conflicted feelings too often. And C] you did become much stronger in what you could subject yourself to on the board, without feeling entirely unsafe.
I respected all that... not that I'm "anyone" but I respected you even more after the deputy foray than before.
Hope you feel better soon!
Posted by Dr. Bob on June 20, 2007, at 1:33:26
In reply to Re: The ex deputy stain » kninelover, posted by scratchpad on June 19, 2007, at 7:23:01
> that I used to be a deputy is held against me now, much later.
I appreciated your contributions as a deputy, and I regret that giving back seems to have backfired. But it's still important not to post anything that could lead others to feel accused. Keeping that in mind, could you please rephrase the above?
But please don't take this personally, this doesn't mean I don't like you or think you're a bad person. Or a failure!
Thanks,
Bob
Posted by scratchpad on June 20, 2007, at 8:20:34
In reply to Re: please rephrase that » scratchpad, posted by Dr. Bob on June 20, 2007, at 1:33:26
> > that I used to be a deputy is held against me now, much later.
>let's see: I feel that my having been a deputy is sometimes perceived as allowing me to receive preferential treatment.
It's pretty clunky, but then so is my brain today. How's that?
sp
Posted by kninelover on June 20, 2007, at 8:28:00
In reply to Re: please rephrase that » scratchpad, posted by Dr. Bob on June 20, 2007, at 1:33:26
i am truely dumbfounded why dr bob posted this?
i feel it came across as being cruel..."But please don't take this personally, this doesn't mean I don't like you or think you're a bad person. Or a failure!"
dr bob,
really?
Posted by scratchpad on June 20, 2007, at 10:43:37
In reply to Re: please rephrase that » Dr. Bob, posted by kninelover on June 20, 2007, at 8:28:00
> i am truely dumbfounded why dr bob posted this?
> i feel it came across as being cruel...
>
> "But please don't take this personally, this doesn't mean I don't like you or think you're a bad person. Or a failure!"
>
> dr bob,
> really?Maybe Standard Operating Procedure? Also mustn't portray former or present deputies as receiving preferential treatment?
I don't really know. And I don't really know that I rephrased it any better. But I tried.sp
Posted by muffled on June 20, 2007, at 11:46:39
In reply to The ex deputy stain, posted by scratchpad on June 14, 2007, at 14:16:10
> Feels like I've been slimed. Once a deputy, now a "former" deputy - so it's not ok to go off the rails like any other person with a mood disorder might?? Alright, I admit that I was stupid for ever even trying to do the job in the first place.
**Not stupid. least you tried. I would not even try.
Which I trained for not one, but two years. That's YEARS. Of babble-time. That's a big investment of time to be undermined and undone so easily. I backed out of being taken into consideration for the position of deputy once, wondering whether I could take the pressure of the responsibility. Guess I should have listened to that particular inner voice. Instead, I told myself that I was giving back to a valuable community that had given so much to me. And now look what that's done for me.
**Thanks for trying SP. You got guts to try. And it was alot of work to train, but mebbe you learned some good stuff too? Its not all a waste....? Sounds like you had wonderful motives for trying, thats is so good.
>
> I still feel like a failure. Especially reading this week's installment on the Admin board. I'm being judged here, judged by my former position of deputy.**Dunno what this part is about, but hope you can get past this :-(
Anyone want to guess how long I actually did that job? How about a couple of weeks. That's all it took for me to make myself into a giant bullseye and go down like a goober sliding down a window pane. Splat. Slither back down the drain into the sewer where I belong. Not suitable. Not suitable.
**Sigh. Its kinda like me the pot, calling the kettle black....but you SO not a goober(its ME thats the goober....).
And who is to say that some time down the road you might be ready to give it a crack again? May seem impossible...but...who knows really???>
> And now I read a suggestion that another deputy should consider taking a break. Let me tell you from my personal experience - people will not forget that you were once a deputy. They will never let you be a human with human problems again. Personally, I am not up to the scrutiny. Even changing my name didn't help.**Oh sh*t. I feel so bad bout this, you got no idea. My chest hurts. I forget who is deputies, like I didn't know auntie mel was one. Duh. But I only got admiration for those who go out there and do what they can.
I am sorry if I said wrong things.
I meant noone no harm.
I'm sorry if I inadvertantly hurt you SP, cuz I would never ever want to hurt you.
Ever.
So I am sorry.
And know I hold you in good thots, and don't think no bad thots bout ya, cuz like my favorite saying, 'let he who is w/o sin cast the first stone....'.
Sorry SP, hope you can feel better soon.
Muffled
Posted by scratchpad on June 20, 2007, at 12:52:47
In reply to The babbler, the human being--SORRY » scratchpad, posted by muffled on June 20, 2007, at 11:46:39
I think I could only be useful in a deputy role again if it was anonymously. Or, if there was some other way to help the deps and Dr Bob (I try to use the "notify the administrators" button if I see a problem developing on the boards); but I think that being a poster and being a deputy were incompatible roles for me. Deputizing made me feel quite stifled as a poster. And posting made me feel quite vulnerable as a deputy.
I know that this is not the case for all deputies. And I suppose that I learned quite a bit about myself in finding out just how much of myself I have invested in Babble.Muffled, your post struck a deep chord in me, but I know, I know that your words are meant in the kindest of ways. Never doubt that. It's how they were received that was the issue (that would be on MY end).
Please don't go, OK? These hurts will pass, and we will all learn from them.
Scratchpad
Posted by muffled on June 20, 2007, at 13:20:48
In reply to Re: please rephrase that » Dr. Bob, posted by kninelover on June 20, 2007, at 8:28:00
> i am truely dumbfounded why dr bob posted this?
> i feel it came across as being cruel...
>
> "But please don't take this personally, this doesn't mean I don't like you or think you're a bad person. Or a failure!"
>
> dr bob,
> really?**Yeah, I kinda blinked at that too...Sometimes Bob says THE strangest things....but truly, I think he means well....I have encountered this too, many times. I think when he says stuff like that we just have to assume he's trying to be kind in his own hurrried way....thats what I say to myself anyways.....
Apparently I am feeling rather dotty today...............................
Muffled
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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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